| Author | Message | ||
| Steven Pham (Stevendp)
New member Username: Stevendp Post Number: 48 Registered: 11-2001 |
A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well- dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone. He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going tonight?" She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, "I'll screw anybody any time, any where, any place, it doesn't matter to me." The guy raises his eyebrows and says, "No kidding? What law firm do you work for?" | ||
| magoo (Magoo)
Intermediate Member Username: Magoo Post Number: 2271 Registered: 2-2001 |
Ok guys a joke to break the boredom. It is called "A mothers advice".....The teacher noticed that a little boy in the back of the class was squirming around,scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go the Principals office, phone his mother and ask her what he should do. He did and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was this commotion at the back of the room. The teacher went to the back of the room and she found the little boy sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mother!" she screamed. "I did," said the little boy, "and she told me to stick it out till noon and she'd pick me up from school." | ||
| Edward Gault (Irfgt)
Member Username: Irfgt Post Number: 963 Registered: 2-2001 |
I think Alan Greenspan and Bill Clinton totally destroyed our economy when he raised the interest rates before Clinton left office in order to make the Republicans look bad. This was done when the polls showed Bush had the lead prior to the election. He should have been fired two years ago. | ||
| Mark (Study)
Junior Member Username: Study Post Number: 208 Registered: 10-2001 |
speaking of Ferrari jokes... I agree that John Taylor looks like a good fit for replacing Greenspan (now 76 years old). We faced the same issue in the 80's when no one thought we could replace Mr Volcker, yet Alan rose to the expectations and did a wonderful job. What do you guys think? Damn thread Hijackers  | ||
| magoo (Magoo)
Intermediate Member Username: Magoo Post Number: 2247 Registered: 2-2001 |
Guys Paul is correct. I did bring this discussion into the wrong post. However the statement about If man came from ape why do we still have apes, is really a joke which I was going to add to later when I read all the comments. It was part of a George Carlin routine. I think this has gotten some good comment and it is time to close the post. Maybe I will comment later on the reason for asking the question. Thanks for your comments on the post. Magoo | ||
| Paul Sloan (Sloan83qv)
Member Username: Sloan83qv Post Number: 293 Registered: 3-2001 |
Martin, How did you know? | ||
| wm hart (Whart)
Junior Member Username: Whart Post Number: 191 Registered: 12-2001 |
Since we are already a little off topic here, let me add my .02. I often marvel at how little we have "evolved" regardless of where we really came from as a species. History is not that long ago. Much of what the world is contending with right now, whether it is cultural/religious, is stuff that carries over from 2000 years ago. However we explain past and current events through "rational" thought, as economic/political dynamics, etc. we are dealing with some pretty basic stuff today, that we, as a species, have not "evolved" beyond. Like killing each other over land, politics, religious belief, etc. I'm not picking any sides here, west v. east, muslim v. judeo-christian or darwinist v. creationist. Just wish to point out, that no matter what we believe, we don't seem to get beyond our selves. | ||
| Martin (Miami348ts)
Intermediate Member Username: Miami348ts Post Number: 1754 Registered: 5-2001 |
How do group sessions work? You sit in a circle and start talking about your problem and somebody else jumps up and tells something totally different in the middle of your speach? | ||
| Paul Sloan (Sloan83qv)
Member Username: Sloan83qv Post Number: 292 Registered: 3-2001 |
Tom, Several years ago I suffered my 1st thread hijacking, since then I have spent many hours in indiviual and group thread counseling and until now was making great progress. With this latest thread hijacking i have suffer a total relaspe and may have to commit myself to the Ferrari List a fate worse than death since I cannot figure out how their site works. ;-) | ||
| TomD (Tifosi)
Member Username: Tifosi Post Number: 473 Registered: 9-2001 |
thread hijacking is a problem | ||
| Paul Sloan (Sloan83qv)
Member Username: Sloan83qv Post Number: 291 Registered: 3-2001 |
This thread was titled "Ferrari jokes.....but....no lawyer ones... " Now it has become "Darwins debate", maybe when one decides to change a thread they open a new one rather then corupting an existing one. As I appreciate every one's view and believe they have a right to express themselves it still should be done in a thread that properly titled. This would be nothing more than a common courtsey for all FC users and may avoid some nasty comments. | ||
| Andrew (Enzo250gto)
New member Username: Enzo250gto Post Number: 30 Registered: 2-2002 |
Magoo, Time Magazine's I believe June or July issue of 2001 did an excellent story on the history of evolution. Just last year a scholar found a new bone which shows what they belive to be the seperation point to the modern homosapien. The bones found were to a hand and feet, some of the biggest differences in humans. Here is an excert of something I wrote on the subject. ...ry little evidence of proof. However, since his theory was developed science has made many discoveries to prove his theory. Time Magazine recently ran an article on the evolution of man with more evidence of evolution. The article, "One Giant Step for Mankind" speaks about a new discovery made by a student at the University of California Berkely of a bipedal ancestor. This discovery is so critical because scientist believe it to be evidence of when humans first began to walk uprigth and break away from chimpanzees.... We are only one chromozone(sp wrong) from Chimps. As someone else posted there are several different species that fall into the Ape category. So why aren't there chimps if that is what we came from? I would reason that a group of chimps living in climates that are changing may have caused this group to evolve to humans. This will take to long as there are 100s of books out there on the topic. Best thing is look at humans around the world. Climate, and environment play a major role, more than people think about, in the development of animals and humans. Why are people of the east shortter than the west? Why do people of Africa have more pigment in their skin than people in Siber. My suggestion is climate. Another example is if humans cultivate Mars it will not work. Why? Gravity. The Gravity over there will have an impact on humans, I belive it is greater, meaning it will be harder to walk as your legs will be heavier, your muscles and bones will wear faster as they are being pulled with greater force than what they are used to (ie in 1000 years people on Mars will be 2ft, just a guess). Wow I've gone off on a tanget, sorry. And this topic was about jokes so here is mine. What is endless love? Stevie Wonder & Ray Charles playing tennis. | ||
| magoo (Magoo)
Intermediate Member Username: Magoo Post Number: 2245 Registered: 2-2001 |
James, Thanks for your support but I really can not take credit for the prestigious position of a Lawyer. But I do take credit for being a successful entrepreneur. Thanks again for you comment. | ||
| magoo (Magoo)
Intermediate Member Username: Magoo Post Number: 2244 Registered: 2-2001 |
Harlan this is really not a religious issue unless you want to discuss religion and the Bible and how it relates to evolution. Brgds, | ||
| James Dixon (Omnadren250)
Junior Member Username: Omnadren250 Post Number: 136 Registered: 7-2001 |
Bruce, Magoo is a lawyer. What do you do for a living??? I hope it's not web design, as the URL for your company website does not work. James | ||
| magoo (Magoo)
Intermediate Member Username: Magoo Post Number: 2243 Registered: 2-2001 |
Thanks Nika, It is very nice to have a womans' touch on the F.C.. BRGDS, | ||
| magoo (Magoo)
Intermediate Member Username: Magoo Post Number: 2242 Registered: 2-2001 |
Bruce, First of all, Welcome to the sight. I see that you are new with WOW,10 posts? Obviously you haven't been on here long enough to know the guys and gals. Sometimes we like to throw out questions that stimulate our thinking. Obviously from your comment you are not into thinking. So if you don't like this discussion stick your head where the sun don't shine and get the hell off this post and this site. Maybe the next time you can learn some respect for those on this site before you make a fool of yourself. | ||
| Nika (Racernika)
Member Username: Racernika Post Number: 380 Registered: 12-2001 |
Bruce - Ferrari chat is a forum for the people that love the cars - yes but I do hope that we could always approach eachother for intelligent discussion and debate on all points. I for one - appreciate Magoos insight, expertise, humor and thoughts Nika www.racerchicks.com | ||
| Tim N (Timn88)
Member Username: Timn88 Post Number: 634 Registered: 6-2001 |
Thats gonna start problems. Bruce, there is alot more to this site than just ferraris. It is more Ferrari/Life chat. Ken is right, we arent decendents of apes. magoo, the things apes and humans decended from arent around any more. | ||
| bruce wellington (Bws88tr)
New member Username: Bws88tr Post Number: 10 Registered: 4-2002 |
I THOUGHT THIS WAS FERRARI CHAT..NOT DARWINS THEORY OF EVOLUTION OR PLANET OF THE APES, BTW, MAGOO GET A REAL JOB, YOU OBVIOUSLY HAVE WAY TOO MUCH TIME ON YOUR HANDS.... | ||
| Edward Gault (Irfgt)
Member Username: Irfgt Post Number: 951 Registered: 2-2001 |
If anyone should see the family that lives across from me you would know that Darwin was right. That family just isn't done yet. | ||
| Ken (Allyn)
Member Username: Allyn Post Number: 276 Registered: 10-2001 |
Chris, chimpanzees have worse traits than humans, or at least as bad. They're violent and kill for sport, just like humans. They subjugate the weak and use meat as money to buy favors from the females. Scary stuff; maybe a 3% difference isn't enough. | ||
| Erich Walz (Deleteall)
Junior Member Username: Deleteall Post Number: 77 Registered: 12-2001 |
Even if we are related to apes, we aren't related to a degree that satisfies Italian ergonomic design. | ||
| Harlan Mott (Hmott3)
Junior Member Username: Hmott3 Post Number: 91 Registered: 12-2001 |
I just wanted to say you people are all a bunch of goof balls. Also please note that this actually is a religous topic, at least to anyone that believes in creation. Just be mindful it can be a touchy subject to some. | ||
| Chris Richardson (Boozy)
Junior Member Username: Boozy Post Number: 126 Registered: 11-2001 |
The missing link is still missing. I don't really think there is one. I think you're thinking about chimpanzees when you're talking about shared DNA, not apes. Our DNA is only 2% different than chimpanzees. Considering the amount of negative traits we would have "evolved" from simians I doubt that we just evolved from them. I find it far more likely that chimpanzees were modified by aliens to create us. Before you laugh really think about it. | ||
| Ken (Allyn)
Member Username: Allyn Post Number: 274 Registered: 10-2001 |
Well, my physics is stronger than anthropology, but if memory serves, homo sapian's closest relative was homo erectus who may also be Neanderthal's ancestor; not quite sure. Then you go back through homo habillus and a few others. Apes branch off fairly far back; at least 2 or 3 species from us so even though we have 95% or so of ape chromosomes, we're fairly distant cousins. There is no 'missing link' for modern man and modern apes because we branch too far back. Although missing link sightings are common in SUV's! | ||
| magoo (Magoo)
Intermediate Member Username: Magoo Post Number: 2239 Registered: 2-2001 |
No Nev, To the contrary this has nothing to do with religion. Just seemed like a interesting statememt. I just wanted to hear comments of other guys. It is kinda a mystery that really does not have a answer but the statement causes one to think about man evolving from ape. ????? | ||
| magoo (Magoo)
Intermediate Member Username: Magoo Post Number: 2238 Registered: 2-2001 |
Ken, That is interesting, Can you give us some more info. on that? | ||
| Nika (Racernika)
Member Username: Racernika Post Number: 378 Registered: 12-2001 |
I dated the "Missing Link" - I'm sure of it | ||
| Ken (Allyn)
Member Username: Allyn Post Number: 271 Registered: 10-2001 |
Magoo, apes and man have a common ancestor that is neither 'man' nor 'ape'; strictly speaking we are NOT descended from apes. | ||
| Nika (Racernika)
Member Username: Racernika Post Number: 377 Registered: 12-2001 |
19 Things Not To Say To The Nice Police Officer 1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. 2. Sorry, I didn't realize that my radar detector wasn't on. 3. Aren't you the guy from the village people? 4. Hey you must have been going 125mph just to keep up with me. 5. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a cop. 6. Bad cop! No donut! 7. You're gonna check the trunk, aren't you? 8. I was going to be a cop, really, but I decided to finish high school. 9. I pay your salary. 10. That's terrific, the last guy only gave me a warning also. 11. Is that a 9mm? It's nothing compared to this .44 magnum! 12. What do you mean, have I been drinking? You're a trained specialist. 13. Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does. 14. That gut doesn't inspire too much confidence, bet I can outrun you. 15. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops? 16. Is it true people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds? 17. I was trying to keep up with traffic. 18. Yes, I know there are no other cars around- that's how far they are ahead of me. 19. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control. A penguin takes his 308 to the shop -- the mechanic "Guido" says it'll take a few minutes to check it over so the penguin sneeks out for a snack. Across the way he sees a Baskin Robbins and orders himself up a double scoop of vanilla. He saunters back to the mechanics shop where Guido looks up from the engine of the the 308 and says "Looks like you've blown a seal".......Penguin wipes his mouth and says "Naaaaw - it's just ice cream" | ||
| bruce wellington (Bws88tr)
New member Username: Bws88tr Post Number: 9 Registered: 4-2002 |
hers one-dont take it wrong..because im jewish why do all jewish woman have wrinkles on their faces? they walk around the house saying " suck what"?? | ||
| Neville Pugh (Nevpugh68)
New member Username: Nevpugh68 Post Number: 30 Registered: 7-2001 |
Aw Magoo, you're not going all religious on us now are you ? :-) There are many different, very diverse types of apes : marmosettes, chimps, orangatangs, gorillas (excuse spelling !) ..... we probably diversified from some other variant of ape. But we'll never know for sure, will we ? Unless someone invents a time machine :-) | ||
| magoo (Magoo)
Intermediate Member Username: Magoo Post Number: 2227 Registered: 2-2001 |
Hey guys, This is no joke but a head scratcher. I have always believed that somewhere along the way of evolution man evolved from the Ape. But think of this. If man evolved from the Ape how come we still have Apes today? Any thoughts???? | ||
| magoo (Magoo)
Intermediate Member Username: Magoo Post Number: 2219 Registered: 2-2001 |
The Harvard School of Medicine did a study why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that "Wonton" spelled backwards is "Not Now." | ||
| Paul Sloan (Sloan83qv)
Member Username: Sloan83qv Post Number: 289 Registered: 3-2001 |
Whats the difference between a Nympho, a hooker and a Princess? A Nympho says " your done already ?" A hooker says " aren't you done yet ?" A Princess says " Honey, the ceiling needs painting" | ||
| magoo (Magoo)
Intermediate Member Username: Magoo Post Number: 2208 Registered: 2-2001 |
What's a Jewish American Princess' favorite position? Ans. Facing Bloomingdales. | ||
| magoo (Magoo)
Intermediate Member Username: Magoo Post Number: 2207 Registered: 2-2001 |
I just thought of something after I posted the last joke. Don't anybody start, because my wife is Jewish and no harm is intended here. | ||
| magoo (Magoo)
Intermediate Member Username: Magoo Post Number: 2206 Registered: 2-2001 |
What's the difference in a Jewish mother and a Rottweiler. The Rottweiler eventually lets go. | ||
| Patrick S. Perry (Psp1)
Junior Member Username: Psp1 Post Number: 65 Registered: 3-2001 |
What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish? One is a scum sucking, garbage eating, bottom dweller. The other one is a fish. | ||
| Paul Sloan (Sloan83qv)
Member Username: Sloan83qv Post Number: 287 Registered: 3-2001 |
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? A lawyer takes off his wingtips at night. | ||
| Edward Gault (Irfgt)
Member Username: Irfgt Post Number: 946 Registered: 2-2001 |
What is the difference between a dog barking on the back porch and a woman yelling on the front porch? If you let them both in, the dog will shut up. | ||
| magoo (Magoo)
Intermediate Member Username: Magoo Post Number: 2195 Registered: 2-2001 |
Same LOL Jay. It seems the fly wasn't used to stopping that quick either. BRGDS, Magoo | ||
| J. Grande (Jay)
Member Username: Jay Post Number: 274 Registered: 10-2001 |
Magoo LOL What's the last thing to go through a flies mind when it hits a Ferraris windshield? It's A$$ Hole! | ||
| magoo (Magoo)
Intermediate Member Username: Magoo Post Number: 2192 Registered: 2-2001 |
There are 2 guys in a bar talking. One guy says"My dog can out run your Ferrari." The next thing both of them are in the Ferrari and the dog is alongside the car. The Ferrari owner floors it and is doing 80 mph, he asks "Where is your Dog?" The other guy says,"He's running here beside your Rt. door." The Ferrari owner speeds up to 100mph,He asks "Where is your dog now?" The other guy says "He's out there running on 3 legs pissing on your Rt rear wheel." So the Ferrari owner nails it to the floor then he loses it and rolls the car. The two of them are lying there and the Ferrari owner asks, "Now where is your damn dog?" The guy says, "He's standing over there by that tree." The Ferrari owner grinned and said "That's not your dog he has a collar around his neck" The guy says, "That's not a collar that's his as-hole, he ain't used to stopping that quick." | ||
| Ken Thomas (Future328driver)
Junior Member Username: Future328driver Post Number: 56 Registered: 12-2001 |
Well, I am 4 weeks from graduating from law school, so I feel the need to chime in and make fun of my future profession.... Taken from the "Lawyer Joke Book" Two little girls are having a playground argument: One says to the other, "My daddy is better. He is an important carpenter. He makes buildings." The other girl replied, "Oh Yeah? Well, my daddy is a lawyer. He makes loopholes." | ||
| Don Norton (Litig8r)
Junior Member Username: Litig8r Post Number: 53 Registered: 6-2001 |
Whenever somebody tells one of these lawyer jokes, I always remind them that while Doctors were bleeding George Washington with leeches, the lawyers were writing the Constitution. -DN | ||
| Sanjiv Menezes (Simplysanj)
New member Username: Simplysanj Post Number: 3 Registered: 2-2002 |
Courtesy of Maxim: A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a Ferrari F50. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light. An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, �What kind of car ya� got there sonny?� The young man replies, �A Ferrari. It cost half a million dollars!� �That�s a lot of money,� says the old man. � Why does it cost so much?� �Because this car can do up to 350 kilometers an hour!� states the young dude proudly. The moped driver asks, �Mind if I take a look inside?� �No problem,� replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, �That�s a pretty nice car, all right � but I�ll stick with my moped!� Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 10 seconds, the speedometer reads 160 kph! Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be, and suddenly, WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH! Something whips by him, going much faster! �What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?� the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 200 kph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it�s the old man on the moped! Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275 kph. He�s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again! Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 kph. Not ten seconds later he sees the moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there�s nothing he can do! Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The young man stops and jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive! He runs up to the mangled old man and says, �Oh, my word! Is there anything I can do for you?� The old man whispers with his dying breath, �Unhook�my�suspenders�from�your�side-view mirror.� �Danielle Konopka <!--> | ||
| Ken (Allyn)
Member Username: Allyn Post Number: 267 Registered: 10-2001 |
My Dad and sister are both lawyers; as told by my Dad (but not original to him): What's the difference between a dead skunk and a dead lawyer in the road? There are skid marks in front of the skunk. | ||
| BretM (Bretm)
Intermediate Member Username: Bretm Post Number: 2092 Registered: 2-2001 |
That's a classy quote Dave. Nice. | ||
| J. Grande (Jay)
Member Username: Jay Post Number: 273 Registered: 10-2001 |
C. Smith I heard that one but with a different punch line and instead of a lawyer it was a mother-in-law On the third wish... "The man thought for a minute and said...I want you to beat me half to death!" | ||
| Dave328GTB (Hardtop)
Junior Member Username: Hardtop Post Number: 59 Registered: 1-2002 |
Here is an obvious ploy for sympathy: I am married to a lawyer. My brother is a lawyer. But I get to do something to a lawyer everyone wants to do, but few can.......screw one. Dave | ||
| arthur chambers (Art355)
Member Username: Art355 Post Number: 335 Registered: 6-2001 |
Everyone hates lawyers, but not there own, unless he "loses" their case. Being both a Ferrari owner and a lawyer, I find these jokes funny (we do have to be able to laugh at ourselves). Art | ||
| Chris Coleman (Dmc4cc)
New member Username: Dmc4cc Post Number: 11 Registered: 2-2001 |
Whats the difference between a Ferrari and Porcupine? WIth the porcupine the pricks are on the outside!!! (Don't take personally) | ||
| Frank Parker (Parkerfe)
Member Username: Parkerfe Post Number: 749 Registered: 9-2001 |
Ha Ha Ha, very funny.(said in a sarcasic tone). Remember, everyone needs a lawyer sooner or later! | ||
| C. Smith (Italianauto)
Junior Member Username: Italianauto Post Number: 61 Registered: 10-2001 |
A man walking on the beach came across an odd-looking bottle. Not being one to ignore tradition, he rubbed it and, much to his surprise, a genie actually appeared. "For releasing me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes," said the genie. "But there's a catch," the genie continued. "For each of your wishes, every lawyer in the world will receive double what you asked for." First, the man wished for a Ferrari. POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of him. "Now, every lawyer in the world has been given two Ferraris," said the genie. "What is your next wish?" "I could really use a million dollars." replied the man, and POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet. "Now, every lawyer in the world is two million dollars richer," the genie reminded the man, and then asked him for his third wish. The man thought for a minute and said, "Well, I�ve always wanted to donate a kidney." |