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Message |
Adam Goldman '86 TR (Icnsltmfg)
Member
Username: Icnsltmfg
Post Number: 508
Registered: 8-2001
| | Posted on Tuesday, December 17, 2002 - 8:47 pm: | |
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Plato: For the greater good.
Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.
Timothy Leary: Because that�s the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.
Oliver North: National Security was at stake.
Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.
Jack Nicholson: �Cause it (@#$%) wanted to. That�s the (@#%#) reason.
Ronald Reagan: I forget.
Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
An IBM Business Consulting Services Consultant:
Deregulation of the chicken�s side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. IBM, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM) IBM helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge capital and experiences to align the chicken�s people, processes and technology in support of it�s overall strategy within a Program Management framework. IBM convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with IBM consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tactic and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park like setting enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken�s mission, vision, and core values. This was conductive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. IBM helped the chicken change to become more successful.
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BobD (Bobd)
Member
Username: Bobd
Post Number: 860
Registered: 3-2001
| | Posted on Tuesday, December 17, 2002 - 7:02 pm: | |
Better get ready for Christmas.... time is ticking away:
http://yugop.com/ver3/stuff/03/fla.html
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Rob Lay (Rob328gts)
Board Administrator
Username: Rob328gts
Post Number: 3016
Registered: 12-2000
| | Posted on Tuesday, December 17, 2002 - 4:53 pm: | |
Very funny and I like the Babson plug too! |
Adam Goldman '86 TR (Icnsltmfg)
Member
Username: Icnsltmfg
Post Number: 507
Registered: 8-2001
| | Posted on Tuesday, December 17, 2002 - 11:04 am: | |
I wrote it last year before the holidays. It is a shameless plug for IBM also....I also have to dig up the way IBM helped the Chicken Cross the road...I will post tonight. |
DES (Sickspeed)
Member
Username: Sickspeed
Post Number: 260
Registered: 8-2002
| | Posted on Tuesday, December 17, 2002 - 10:05 am: | |
Forget all that "lol" or "lmao" crap, this is just hilarious...!
Adam, did you write this yourself or did you find it, somewhere...? |
Adam Goldman '86 TR (Icnsltmfg)
Member
Username: Icnsltmfg
Post Number: 506
Registered: 8-2001
| | Posted on Tuesday, December 17, 2002 - 8:55 am: | |
From: HR Manager; North Pole Operations
To: All employees
Date: December 17, 2002
Greetings to all,
After our dismal performance during the 2001 Christmas season, Santa, with pressure from both the Board of Directors and Stockholders, retained the services of IBM and specifically their Global Business Consulting Services Group. Over the last 12 months, IBM has met with every division here at the North Pole, and our regional centers around the world to review current operating procedures, and current / future corporate initiatives.
The areas IBM was specifically tasked to review were as follows;
� Global supply chain
� A new CRM system (after the whole naughty / nice foul-up last year)
� Accenture�s inability to successfully launch SAP after two years
� Fiscal instability after the hostel take-over attempts by Amazon and Ebay
� The introduction of the Euro in FY�02
� The new FAA flight standards over the US
� Union contract negotiations (Elves are still without a contract)
Below, you find in detail several specific recommendations that IBM has proposed and the Board has either accepted or is in the process of deliberations about.
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the
early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern
about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.
Streamlining is due to the North Pole's loss of dominance of the season's
gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order
catalogues have diminished Santa's market share. He could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late
model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from
Dasher and Dancer, who summered at Babson�s Executive Education Centre, is
anticipated. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental
emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavorable press.
I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed.
Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies,
In the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got
that way, not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a
lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was
an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.
As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North
Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective
immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the
"Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
- The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be
the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant,
providing considerable savings in maintenance;
- The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost
effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be
condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated;
- The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the
French;
- The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system,
with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the
birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;
- The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors.
Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative
implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other
precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks
appear to be in order;
- The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be
afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per
goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese
will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will
assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one;
- The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times.
The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The
current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore
enhance their outplacement;
- As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy
scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being
sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no
upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;
- Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be
phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;
- Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense
of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest
replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping
ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;
- Eleven pipers piping and Twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the
band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on
new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to
the bottom line;
We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and
other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching
deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one
day, service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion
to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing") action is
pending.
Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in
the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request
management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is
the optimum number.
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