| Author | Message | ||
| Hubert Leung (Morbid)
New member Username: Morbid Post Number: 12 Registered: 10-2001 |
Real life Grand Theft Auto: http://www.tuvok3of11.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/gta4real.mpg | ||
| Jim E (Jimpo1)
Intermediate Member Username: Jimpo1 Post Number: 1516 Registered: 7-2001 |
An economic joke:  | ||
| DES (Sickspeed)
Advanced Member Username: Sickspeed Post Number: 2964 Registered: 8-2002 |
BWAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAA...! These are hilarious... Sunny, that's the funniest friggin' thing i've ever read...! | ||
| Paul Hill (348paul)
Junior Member Username: 348paul Post Number: 172 Registered: 12-2002 |
HOW TO TELL THE SEX OF A FLY! A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh. Killing any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?" He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."  | ||
| ken rentiers (Rentiers)
Junior Member Username: Rentiers Post Number: 147 Registered: 2-2003 |
This guy walks into a bar with a frog on his head. "I'll have a beer" he says. "I'll have one too" says the frog. "Where did you get that?" says the bartender. "I think it started off as a wart on my ass," says the frog.  | ||
| Mark (Study)
Member Username: Study Post Number: 439 Registered: 10-2001 |
m   | ||
| Martin - Cavallino Motors (Miami348ts)
Advanced Member Username: Miami348ts Post Number: 4019 Registered: 5-2001 |
Sunny, LMAO | ||
| Martin - Cavallino Motors (Miami348ts)
Advanced Member Username: Miami348ts Post Number: 4018 Registered: 5-2001 |
For all the gun lovers out there: Guns for Tods http://www.comedycentral.com/player/mediaplayer.jhtml?reposid=47902257&player=realplayer&quality=low&type=v | ||
| Jason Williams (Pristines4)
Junior Member Username: Pristines4 Post Number: 166 Registered: 12-2002 |
So this guy walks into a bar and says "ouch." | ||
| L. Wayne Ausbrooks (Lwausbrooks)
Intermediate Member Username: Lwausbrooks Post Number: 1223 Registered: 8-2002 |
"the night was split with the sound of seven screaming cylinders..." ROTFLMFAO!!!!!!!!! | ||
| Sunny Garofalo (Jaguarxj6)
Junior Member Username: Jaguarxj6 Post Number: 151 Registered: 2-2003 |
I borrowed my wife's Geo Metro last night. One liter of raw power, 3 cylinders of asphalt-tearing terror on thirteen-inch rims. It's stock, alright, nothing done to it, but it pushes the barely 2000 pounds of metro around with AUTHORITY. I'm always catching mopeds and 18-wheelers by surprise... I was headed back from Baskin Robbins with my manly triple-latte cappuccino blast ("No Cinnamon, ma'am, I take it BLACK"), when I stopped at a streetlight. As the Metro throbbed its throaty idle around me, I sipped my bold beverage and wiped the white froth my stiff upper lip. I was minding my own business, but then I heard a rev from the next lane. I turned, made eye contact, then let my eyes trace over the competition. Ford Festiva -- a late model, could be trouble. Low profile tires, curb feelers, and schoolbus-yellow paint. Yep, a hot rod, for sure. The howl of his motor snapped my reverie, and I looked back into the driver's eyes, nodded, then blipped my own throttle. As I tugged on my driving gloves and slipped on my sunglasses (gotta look cool to be fast, and I am ****** cool, hence...), the night was split with the sound of seven screaming cylinders... Then the light turned... I almost had him out of the hole, my three pounding cylinders thrusting me at least a millimeter back into my seat, as smoke pouring from my front right tire... my unlimited slip differential was letting me down! I saw in the corner of my eyes, a yellow snout gaining, and I heard the roar of his four cylinders. He slung by me, right front wheel juddering against the pavement, and he flashed me a smile as his .7 extra liters of motor stretched its legs. I kept my foot gamely in it, though, waiting for the CHECK ENGINE light to blink on in the one-gauge (no tachometer here!) instrument panel. I saw a glimpse of chrome under his bumper, and knew the ugly truth... He was running a custom exhaust -- probably a 2-into-1 dual exhaust...maybe event cutouts! **** his hot-rod soul! The old lady passing us on the crosswalk cast a dirty look in our boy-racer direction... Yet still I persisted, with my three pumping pistons singing a heady high-pitched song, wound fully out. Though only a few handfuls of seconds had passed, we were nearing the crosswalk at the other side of the intersection, and I heard the note of his engine change as he made his shift to second, and I saw his grin in his rearview mirror fade as he missed the shift! I rocketed by, shifting, and nursed the clutch gently in to keep from bogging, keeping my motor spinning hot and pulling me ahead, now trailing a cloud of stinking clutch smoke. Not ready to give up so easily, he left his foot in it, revving, and I heard one wheel *almost* chirp as he finally found second and dropped the clutch. We careened over the crosswalk, now going at least 15 miles per hour. A bicyclist passed us, but intent on the race as we were, neither of us batted an eye. He pulled slowly abreast of me, and neck and neck, we made the shift to third, the scream of motors deafening all pedestrians within a five foot circle. He nosed ahead as we passed 30 miles an hour, then eased in front of me, taunting, as we shifted into fourth. I was staring up the dual 6" chrome tips of his exhaust, snarling, my cappuccino forgotten, as he lifted a little to take the next corner. I saw my opportunity, and counting on the innate agility of my trusty steed, I pulled wide into the number two lane and kept my foot buried in carpet. Slowly, I inched around him, feeling my Metro roll slowly to the left as I came abreast in the midst of this gradual sweeping turn. I felt the Geo ease onto its suspension stops, and felt the right rear wheel slowly leave the ground - no matter, though, because my drive wheels, up front, were pulling me through the corner, and around the Festiva ... The Ford driver beat his wheel in rage as my wife's car eased past him on the outside, my P165/54R13's screaming in protest, as we raced to the next light. We coasted down, neck-and neck, to the red light. I tightened my driving gloves, ready for another round, when this WIMP in the next car meekly flipped his turn signal and made a right. Chevy (Suzuki) superiority reigns! I drove off sipping my masculine drink, awash in my sheer virility, looking for other unwitting targets.... Perhaps a Yugo, or maybe even a Volkswagon Van! DISCLAIMER: None of the speeds quoted in this shirt were acheived on public roadways and DEFINITELY not while participating in any FCA or FOC sponsored events! | ||
| Mark (Study)
Member Username: Study Post Number: 438 Registered: 10-2001 |
speed freaks  | ||
| ken rentiers (Rentiers)
Junior Member Username: Rentiers Post Number: 144 Registered: 2-2003 |
What do you call a guy who comes first and third in a masturbation contest? An aggressive competitor! Then there was the guy who was so aggressive he jogged home after his vasectomy! Thank you, thank you...I'll be here through Thursday! | ||
| Ming Cheng (Onlinesys)
Junior Member Username: Onlinesys Post Number: 235 Registered: 5-2002 |
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| Ming Cheng (Onlinesys)
Junior Member Username: Onlinesys Post Number: 234 Registered: 5-2002 |
Subject: Meaning of Car Names AUDI: Another Ugly Deutsche Invention BMW: Bought My Wife Brings Me Women Brings More Women but Broke My Wallet CHEVROLET: Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips FERRARI: ??????? FIAT: Failure in Italian Automotive Technology FORD: Fast Only Rolling Downhill GM: Garbage Motors Gluteus Maximus HONDA: Hallmark Of Non-Destructable Automobiles HYUNDAI: Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive... SAAB: Shape Appears Ass-Backwards SUBARU: Screwed Up Beyond All Repair Usually TOYOTA: Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto VOLVO: Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object PORSCHE: Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything | ||
| Sunny Garofalo (Jaguarxj6)
Junior Member Username: Jaguarxj6 Post Number: 144 Registered: 2-2003 |
Signs you need a new car... - Your door locks don't work, but you're not concerned because not even a desperate starving thief would want your car. - The sanitation department started to load it into their truck before they realized it was a car. - Then they kept loading it in the truck anyway. - Your morning starting routine involves reattaching parts that fell off overnight. - Your morning routine starts with a prayer to multiple car gods. - Sometimes the car gods answer by striking your car with a thunderbolt in an attempt to eradicate it. - AAA has blacklisted you because you use their towing services on a daily basis. - First generation Hyundai Excel drivers turn up their noses and sneer at you. - The local parts store sends a truck by your house every morning with a selection of parts for your car. - AutoZone just opened up a new location next door to you based on your purchasing patterns. And named the store after you. - The CEOs of the major parts chains send you Christmas cards. - Your car's manufacturer offers to buy the car back from you to get it off the street. - Instead of sleeping on the hood, your cat fluffs up, hisses, and runs away when it sees your car. - You used to thrill at the VROOM of the engine, now you're just happy if the tailpipe isn't dragging on the highway. - Your repair budget for the year exceeds the GDP of some smaller Western European coutries. - You and your car are listed in the Kyoto treaty. By name and VIN number. - Your VIN number is "1". - The fire department keeps following you, because people keep calling in and reporting your plume of smoke as a vehicle fire. - Your car is keeping three separate towing companies in business. - Your car is a constant-loss system: It constantly loses gas, water, oil, transmission fluid, differential fluid, battery acid, electrical power because there's no acid in the battery... - Your stereo system consists of two evenly spaced but massive exhaust leaks whose noise resonates in your head. - Your local government has posted minimum speed limit signs on the highway, and you're mentioned on them. "Minimum Speed 45. [insert name], your heap can't do it, get off the road." - (GM diesels) Forget about mixing the fuel and motor oil together. You just pour engine oil directly into the gas tank and skip the diesel, because otherwise oil will leak out of it too fast to be replaced. - Your car's nickname: "Exxon Valdez" - A tanker truck containing motor oil follows you around everywhere. And you always have to fill up from the tanker when you get where you're going and before you leave again. - You're not worried about getting there. You're not worried about it starting. You *are* worried about whether it will disintegrate into a pile of rust flakes when you insert the key into the door. - You're the chairman of the Duct Tape Council's Automotive section. - None of your body panels colors match. Some of them come off cars that weren't made by your car's manufacturer. Some of them don't even come from other cars. - Much of your car's bodywork is made up of cardboard and duct tape. - You don't care if your car's in a hailstorm. Nobody will notice the new dents. - You and your car made the FBI's Most Wanted List - biggest polluters in the US. - You can't drive your car to another country, as it is illegal to take a mass chemical weapon factory to another country. - You've replaced the oil companies and manufacturing interests as Greenpeace Public Offender Number One. - Speaking of Greenpeace, they demonstrate outside of your house every day, and use human chains to try to stop you from starting your car. - The amount of oil your car consumes determines the price of oil on the commodities exchange. - You get a whopping 0.3 miles per gallon. On a good day. - You are financing the entire government of Kuwait with your petroleum product purchases. - The president of Kuwait sends you Christmas cards. - OPEC is thinking of naming you an honorary member for being their best customer. - You don't bother changing the oil filter any more. There's no oil to filter, it leaks out before it gets that far. - You have no smoking signs around your car. Not because you're concerned about lung cancer, but because the swiss-cheese you call your gas tank might explode. - Murphy's Law Time: Everything that can possibly go wrong with a car has happened to yours. - Murphy's Law no longer affects your car, because everything that could go wrong already has. - Your startup sequence involves extinguishing at least one inevitable fuel, oil, or electrical fire. - Your car's motto: "Spark plugs? We don't need no steenkin' spark plugs!" <ptui><spits> - Your car is a V8 that runs on four cylinders. It wasn't designed to run on four cylinders, and it's never the same four cylinders at any given time. - Your car is a 1959 Plymouth Fury named Christine. - Your Cadillac's tailfins are *functional* and steer the car, because your steering rack is frozen. - A terrorist bomb destroyed your car, and when they apprehended the guilty party, they congratulated him and gave him the keys to the city. - You can't get carjacked. You've tried, but the carjackers keep laughing themselves silly. - Other cars run screaming into the darkness when they hear your car is coming. They think it might be contagious. - Someone steals your car. The next night, you come home to discover that the car has been returned with a full tank of gas, freshly washed, and with an apology from the thief in the front seat, along with a money order for $500. - Rent-A-Wreck has demanded that you take off the "I love my Rent-A-Wreck" licence plate holder and bumper sticker off of the car. - CATS won't take your base, because your car is in it. All your base are *not* belong to him because of it. (Zero Wing joke.) - The Army mistakenly used your car for tank target practice. You can't tell the difference. | ||
| DES (Sickspeed)
Advanced Member Username: Sickspeed Post Number: 2781 Registered: 8-2002 |
LMAO, Steve...! | ||
| Steve (V10_nut)
Junior Member Username: V10_nut Post Number: 63 Registered: 3-2002 |
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-•••••" Jack Nicholson | ||
| DES (Sickspeed)
Advanced Member Username: Sickspeed Post Number: 2773 Registered: 8-2002 |
MARKETING 101 People often ask for an explanation of "Marketing." Here it is: ... You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising. You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend. That's a Sales Rep. Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you. That's Tech Support. You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" That's Spam. | ||
| DES (Sickspeed)
Advanced Member Username: Sickspeed Post Number: 2772 Registered: 8-2002 |
An Israeli doctor says "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks." A German doctor says "That is nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks." A Russian doctor says "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks." The Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says "You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House for 2 years, and now half the country is looking for work." |