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William Huber (Solipsist)
Member
Username: Solipsist

Post Number: 919
Registered: 9-2001
Posted on Saturday, May 10, 2003 - 12:05 am:   

I don�t call him Doubting Thomas. I call him realistic Thomas.

State of mind is all mental.

Half of all people act fake and the other half is fake.

I wonder if it is a sin not to capitalize God.

They used to tell me I could be anything I wanted. Now they tell me I could
have been anything I wanted. I guess 30 is the cutoff for career exploration.

I was reading about the colonization of Mars yesterday. These scientists
were coming up with a way to combat overpopulation. I think it would be
A lot easier just to slaughter all the stupid people. It would be painful though
because I would lose a good majority of my family and friends.

If you ever feel like nobody likes you then you are probably an a$$hole.

One of the greatest qualities in a person is the ability to take a joke.

Why do dog food commercials advertise their product on tv like I�m going to eat it?

A casket is the biggest waste of money in the world.

I hate people who tattoo their whole body and say � This is who I am�.

I wonder if anyone in Hitler�s army ever thought �This just doesn�t seem right�

I am not afraid to die, but I�d rather not.

If I was a preacher, I would declare polka music as the devil�s music.

I have invented several things only to find out later that they already existed.
That does not, however, take away from the fact that I invented them.

My ability to capture thoughts with a keen use of the English language is
directly related to how long it takes me to find a pen.

A psychiatrist is sort of like the person who says �where did you leave them
Last� when I say I�ve lost my keys.

They said that God created everything in 6 days and rested on the 7th,
but that one day to God may be a million years to us. So I am treating
the next million years as the Sabbath day and am not going to work.

The main difference between men and women is that women are psychotic.

The main thing we learn as grade-schoolers is how to lie well.

Robin Hood was a heroic kleptomaniac.

-Scott Copeland Ft Worth, TX :-O
Robin Overcash (Robin)
Junior Member
Username: Robin

Post Number: 75
Registered: 1-2003
Posted on Friday, May 09, 2003 - 11:59 pm:   

Actually, the quote is:

There are 10 types of people in this world, those who understand binary, and those who don't.

:-)

My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally--but I didn't want to upset him.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is 'God is crying.' And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is 'Probably because of something you did.'
-Jack Handy

-R
stu cordova (Balataboy)
Member
Username: Balataboy

Post Number: 445
Registered: 4-2001
Posted on Friday, May 09, 2003 - 11:20 pm:   

Did you hear about the guy who took Viagra and ex-lax at the same time?

He didn't know whether he was coming or going!

-Robin Williams
Nebula Class (Nebulaclass)
Member
Username: Nebulaclass

Post Number: 337
Registered: 11-2002
Posted on Friday, May 09, 2003 - 9:24 pm:   

"Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of the day.
Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life."


"The dumber somebody thinks you are, the more surprised he'll be when you kill him."


"There are three types of people in this world - those who understand binary, and those who don't."
Pistons of fury (Massimo)
New member
Username: Massimo

Post Number: 20
Registered: 11-2002
Posted on Friday, May 09, 2003 - 9:17 pm:   

A good friend will bail you out of jail.
A best friend will be the one sitting next to you saying, "That was awesome, dude!"

The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.
- Hubert H. Humphrey

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, �It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.'"

Politics is not an exact science.
- Otto Von Bismarck, 1863

How a Guy Can Impress a Woman: Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, hug her, love her, comfort her, protect her, wine and dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.

How a Woman Can Impress a Guy: Show up naked
Jordan Witherspoon (Jordan747_400)
Member
Username: Jordan747_400

Post Number: 964
Registered: 12-2002
Posted on Friday, May 09, 2003 - 6:09 pm:   

I love funny quotes...Here are a few of my favorites, please add your own! I want nobody to leave this thread without a smile :-)

---------------------------------------------
"We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture."
Robin Williams.

"I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?"
Paul Merton.

"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is."
Ellen DeGeners.

"If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it."
W.C.Fields

"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"
Steven Wright.

"There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that."
Steve Martin.

"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."
David Letterman.

"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets."
Dave Edison.

"You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest."
Rowan Atkinson.

"I have nothing to declare except my genuis."
Oscar Wilde

"If you cannot read this, please ask the flight attendant for assistance."
United Airlines Flight Safety Brochure

"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight."
George Gobol

"When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity."
Albert Einstein

"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society."
Mark Twain

"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
Richard Jeni

"A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often."
Oliver Herford

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"
Arnold Schwarzenegger

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-."
Jack Nicholson

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." Robin Williams

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams

So I said, 'Where do you want to go for your anniversary?'
She said: 'I want to go somewhere I've never been before.'
I said, 'Try the kitchen.'
-- Henry Youngman (Goodfellas, 1990)

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.
-- Soren Aabye Kierkegaard

Afterism (n) - A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late.
-- John Alexander Thom

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
-- Groucho Marx

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.
-- Sam Levenson

I had lunch with a chess champion the other day. I knew he was a chess champion because it took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.
-- Eric Sykes

Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
-- Carl Zwanzig

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
-- Jimmy Carter

I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'
-- Tommy Cooper

I ain't saying the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance...she leaned over and pushed me.
-- Anonymous

A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, "Did you miss a step?"

"No," he answers, "I hit every one of them!"
-- Milton Berle

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? ...He's a mile away and you've got his shoes.
-- Billy Connolly

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog?
-- Anonymous

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough."
-- Les Dawson

Foot: A special device for finding furniture in the dark.
-- Unknown

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
-- Tim Vine

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
-- W.C. Fields

What is a movie star? A movie star is many things. They can be tall, short, thin, or skinny. They can be democrats...or skinny.
-- Steve Martin (at the 2003 Oscars�)

As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two...
-- Sir Norman Wisdom

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
-- Jay Leno

Gentlemen, you can't fight in here...This is the War Room!
-- Peter Sellers (Dr. Strangelove, 1964)

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