| Author | Message | ||
| DL (Darth550)
Member Username: Darth550 Post Number: 324 Registered: 7-2003 |
These three rats are in a bar, bragging about which is the toughest. Rat 1. "I'm so tough, when dey put out a rat trap for me...I do chin-ups on the da bar while I eat da cheese!" Rat 2. "Yeah? Dat ain't nuttin. When Dey put out rat poison for me, I chop it up and snort it!" Rat 3. Gets up and just walks away. The other two yell after him, "Hey where you goin?" He turns by the door, "EHHHH, I'm goin' home to fu(k da cat!" DL | ||
| ShanB (Shanb)
Junior Member Username: Shanb Post Number: 53 Registered: 7-2003 |
Darth - no offense was intended or percieved on my part. I simply and honestly usually don't get ethnic humor because I find the stereotypes hard to follow. :-) Andrew - no offense, but I humbly disagree about there being nothing funnier than self-effacing humor. As an African-American, I have no particular use for ebonics, gangster rap or the perpetuation of archane stereotypes through joke-telling. Like I said, I'm a little odd in that regard. Having said that, I think laughter keeps you sane so if you find humor in something, then so be it. Just my .02 Have a great day guys, & keep the humor coming! Shan | ||
| Andrew Menasce (Amenasce)
Intermediate Member Username: Amenasce Post Number: 1343 Registered: 10-2001 |
Darth , Great joke , i love jewish jokes ( Im one ). Nothings funnier than self derision ( is that correct in english ?). | ||
| DL (Darth550)
Member Username: Darth550 Post Number: 318 Registered: 7-2003 |
Shanb, Oh GAWD!....and for the record, I happen to be ALL THREE. Laugh a little. DL | ||
| ShanB (Shanb)
Junior Member Username: Shanb Post Number: 52 Registered: 7-2003 |
Sorry Darth550, I just don't get the joke. Then again, I never see any humor in ethnic jokes so maybe it's just me. Shan | ||
| DL (Darth550)
Member Username: Darth550 Post Number: 317 Registered: 7-2003 |
3 guys walking down the street. A Polish guy An Italian guy A Jewish guy They come across a hooker who waves them over to an alley. "Hey guys, this is your lucky day! I will do ANYTHING YOU WANT ME TO DO FOR $15.00. The only catch is that you have to tell me what it is in three words." The Italian guy thinks for a second and says, "Lets have sex." She complies in the alley. The Polish guy thinks for a minute and says (slowly, while counting in his mind), "Screw me now." She says, "OK" and the do it. They all look at the Jew who says, PAINT MY HOUSE!" DL | ||
| ShanB (Shanb)
New member Username: Shanb Post Number: 50 Registered: 7-2003 |
A Hallmark card idea gone bad...  | ||
| tony hopkins (Tonyh)
Junior Member Username: Tonyh Post Number: 78 Registered: 12-2002 |
don't envy your geographical position ... stay safe. tony | ||
| Bruce Wellington (Bws88tr)
Advanced Member Username: Bws88tr Post Number: 2899 Registered: 4-2002 |
WHAT DOES THE PHIL EAGLES PRO FOOTBALL TEAM AND REV BILLY GRAMHAM HAVE IN COMMON??? 1 2 3 4 OK.. THEY BOTH HAVE THE POWER TO HAVE 70,OOO PEOPLE STAND UP AND SAY "JESUS CHRIST" | ||
| ShanB (Shanb)
New member Username: Shanb Post Number: 48 Registered: 7-2003 |
Thanks Tony - I'm having a slow day at work myself. I just (barely) got back from Louisville KY on business and was supposed to fly to Baltimore tonight for a meeting in Arlington, VA tommorrow but due to the hurricane it looks like that's on hold. So... here I sit, surfing F-Chat on taxpayer's time. (Shhhh...our little secret) | ||
| tony hopkins (Tonyh)
Junior Member Username: Tonyh Post Number: 77 Registered: 12-2002 |
Shanb, like it! keep 'em coming | ||
| ShanB (Shanb)
New member Username: Shanb Post Number: 47 Registered: 7-2003 |
Tony - that is HILARIOUS! How about this one... A general store owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or general lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says politely. The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would. Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves as he is having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what was going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view! With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down. After many trips she is tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try the bread herself. Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin too?" "No," croaks the old man, "but it's a-quiverin'." | ||
| tony hopkins (Tonyh)
Junior Member Username: Tonyh Post Number: 76 Registered: 12-2002 |
DES, as you've probably gathered, i've had a slow day at work today! | ||
| DES (Sickspeed)
Senior Member Username: Sickspeed Post Number: 6465 Registered: 8-2002 |
Tony, by far, that's the best one here... i'm trying to stifle intense laughter...! LMAO...! | ||
| tony hopkins (Tonyh)
Junior Member Username: Tonyh Post Number: 75 Registered: 12-2002 |
two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their > local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do > you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up." > "Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed > the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one > of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?" "I'm > a hit man," was the reply. "You're joking!" was the response. > "No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a > beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are > my tools." > "That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take > a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he > picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of > his house. > "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see > right in the window." > "Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! > What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with > her.......He's naked as well! The b!tch!" He turned to the hitman, > "How much do you charge for a hit?" "I do a flat rate, for you, one > thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger." > "Can you do two for me now?" > "Sure, what do you want?" > "First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the > mouth. Then the neighbour, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just > shoot his d!ck off to teach him a lesson." > The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few > minutes. > "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently. "Just > wait a moment, be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can > save you a grand here....." | ||
| tony hopkins (Tonyh)
Junior Member Username: Tonyh Post Number: 74 Registered: 12-2002 |
This chain letter was developed by virile men in order to make their sex life even more fantastic. As opposed to normal chain letters, this one costs nothing, and you can only win. Simply send this e-mail to 9 fellas who are just as virile as you. Then anaesthetise your wife/girlfriend, put her in a large carton (don't forget some ventilation holes), and send it to the person who is at the top of your list. Soon, your name will be at the top of the list, and you will receive 823,542 women through the post. Statistically, among those women, will be at least: 0.5 miss worlds 2.5 models 463 wild nymphos 3,234 good-looking nymphos 20,198 who enjoy multiple orgasms 40,198 bi-sexual women In total, that is 64,294 women who are simply hornier, less inhibited, and tastier than the grumpy old bag you posted off. And, best of all, your original package is guaranteed not to be one of those that come back to you. DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN LETTER One bloke for example who sent the letter to only 5 instead of 9 of his friends got his original bird back, still in the old dressing gown he sent her off in, with the same old migraine attack, and the accusatorial expression on her face. On the same day, the international supermodel he'd been living with since he sent off his old girlfriend moved out to live with his best friend (to whom he had not sent the chain letter.) While I am sending this letter, the bloke that is in 6th place above me has already received 837 women and is lying in hospital suffering from exhaustion. Outside his ward are 452 more packages. YOU MUST BELIEVE THIS E-MAIL This is a unique opportunity to achieve a totally satisfying sex life. No expensive meals out, no lengthy conversations about trivialities (that only interest women) just so that you can screw her. No obligations, no grumpy mother-in-law, and no unpleasant surprises like marriage or engagement. Do not hesitate: send this letter today to 9 of your best friends. PS Even when you have no girlfriend, you can send your vacuum cleaner. PS This letter can also be copied to women you know so that they can prepare themselves for the great adventure that they may soon undertake. | ||
| tony hopkins (Tonyh)
Junior Member Username: Tonyh Post Number: 72 Registered: 12-2002 |
> > >A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and > >everyone inside dies. > > > >They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have > >experienced; he decides to grant them one wish > >each, before they enter Paradise. > > > >They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. > > > >"I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. > > > >The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." > > > >Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. > > > >This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the > >last > >guy in line starts laughing. > > > >When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, > >laughing his ass off. > > > >Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. > > > >The guy calms down and says:.......................... > > > > > > > > > > > > > >"Make 'em all ugly again". > > | ||
| Gordo A. (Gordo)
Junior Member Username: Gordo Post Number: 74 Registered: 2-2003 |
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." What? Because he's cross-eyed?" No, because he's really heavy" | ||
| MarkPDX (Markpdx)
Member Username: Markpdx Post Number: 503 Registered: 4-2003 |
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training. One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA people: "What are these guys in the big suits doing?" One of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip to the moon. When his son relayed this comment the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon. Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder. The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate. So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon. Finally, an official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing the translator relayed the message: "Watch out for these assholes. They have come to steal your land." | ||
| Gordo A. (Gordo)
Junior Member Username: Gordo Post Number: 73 Registered: 2-2003 |
Very funny! Another variation on the control theme:  | ||
| tony hopkins (Tonyh)
Junior Member Username: Tonyh Post Number: 71 Registered: 12-2002 |
> >A guy walks into a bar and notices a very large jar on the counter > >and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills... The man guesses > >there must be thousands of dollars in it! He approaches the bartender > >and asks, "What's up with the jar?" "Well... you pay ten dollars... > >and IF you pass three tests you get all the money!!!" > > > >The man certainly isn't going to pass this up! "What are the three > >tests?" "Pay FIRST..." says the bartender... "Those are the rules." > >So the man give him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the > >jar... "OK," the bartender says, "here's what you need to do... > > > >FIRST: You have to drink that ENTIRE GALLON of pepper tequila... the > >WHOLE thing, all at ONCE... and you CAN'T make a face while doing > >it... > > > >SECOND: There's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth... > >You have to REMOVE the tooth with your BARE HANDS... > > > >THIRD: There's a 90 year-old woman upstairs who has NEVER reached > >orgasm during intercourse... You've gotta MAKE THINGS RIGHT for her." > > > >The man is stunned... "I KNOW I paid my 10 bucks... but I'm not an > >IDIOT! I WON'T DO IT!!! You have to be NUTS to drink a gallon of > >pepper tequila, and then do those OTHER THINGS!!!" "Your call," says the > >bartender, "but your MONEY stays where it is..." The man has a few > >drinks... then a few more...Finally...he asks, "WHERRRRE'S ZAAAT > >TEQUIIIILA?!" He > >grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp... Tears are > >streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face... Next... he > >staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up... The people > >inside the bar hear a HUGE, NOISY SCUFFLE going on outside... They > >hear the pit bull barking... the guy screaming... the pit bull yelping . > >and then SILENCE . > > > >Just when they think the man SURELY must be dead, he staggers back > >into the bar ... with his shirt ripped... and large, bloody > >scratches all over his body... "NOW........" he says...... "WHERES THE OLD > >WOMAN WITH THE SORE TOOTH?!?!?!" > > > > | ||
| tony hopkins (Tonyh)
Junior Member Username: Tonyh Post Number: 70 Registered: 12-2002 |
 WHAT EVERY WOMAN WANTS | ||
| DGS (Dgs)
Member Username: Dgs Post Number: 332 Registered: 5-2003 |
Yes, Darth. We saw it. (LOL). Sign at the Babylon 5 convention: We come to Rodden Bury, not to praise him. | ||
| DL (Darth550)
Member Username: Darth550 Post Number: 314 Registered: 7-2003 |
Ill try again here.... A blonde gets pulled over for speeding. The cop (another blonde) asks her for her drivers license. After a minute of madly fumbling through her purse the cop says, "You know, that thing with your picture on it?" The blonde in the car says. Oh here it is", as she pulls out her compact, opens it and hands it to the cop. The cop looks at it, blushes and says, "Im so sorry. If I knew you were a cop too, I would never have pulled you over!" DL | ||
| tony hopkins (Tonyh)
Junior Member Username: Tonyh Post Number: 69 Registered: 12-2002 |
>>WHAT MEN REALLY WANT >> >> >> A tall well-built woman with good >> reputation, who can cook frog >> legs, who appreciates a good fuc- >> schia garden, classic music and tal- >> king without getting too serious. >> . >> . >> . >> . >> Oh, wait, you misread it... >> >> >> please only read lines 1,3 and 5 |