| Author | Message | ||
| Lee Hamner (Tennlee)
Junior Member Username: Tennlee Post Number: 95 Registered: 2-2002 |
Steven that's great! | ||
| Tom Bakowsky (Tbakowsky)
Member Username: Tbakowsky Post Number: 459 Registered: 9-2002 |
ROTFLMAOFF | ||
| Steven R. Rochlin (Enjoythemusic)
Member Username: Enjoythemusic Post Number: 516 Registered: 4-2002 |
As the owner of an Italian vehicle, you have undoubtedly found that, from time to time, the thing defies all known laws of Physics. Distinguished researchers from all over the world have spent entire lives trying to understand such phenomena. Recently, the Six Laws of Italian Sports Cars were discovered, thus reducing most owners' dependency on sorcerers and prayer, to keep such cars running. Careless application of these laws to any individual auto may fix the problems of the moment, but cause hives or allergies in said owners. 1) THE LAW OF PLEASING DESIGN WHERE IT REALLY DOESN'T MATTER "The inside of cam covers or other relatively innocuous areas, shall be laced with buttresses, cross-bracing and all manner of esoteric stiffness-with-lightness design, while something like connecting rods shall self-destruct at redline plus 1.0 rpm due to a basic lack of strength." An example of this Law is the stunningly beautiful Lamborghini or Ferrari V-12's of the late '60's. They were famous for wearing out all four camshafts in 10,000 miles or less. The cam's metal appeared to be recycled coat hangers, which coincidentally are still in short supply in Italy. 2) THE LAW OF NON-FUNCTIONAL APPARATUS "All Italian Sports Cars, regardless of age, shall have at least one system or component which does not work, and cannot be repaired. Such a part shall never be mentioned in the Official Shop Manual, although there may be an out-of-focus picture shown." It goes without saying that such parts should never under any circumstances be removed, lest the natural balance of the car be upset. 3)THE LAW OF ELECTRICAL CHAOS "All Italian Sports Cars shall be wired at the Factory by a cross-eyed, color-blind worker, using whatever supplies are within reach. All wires shall change color-code at least once between energy source and component. all grounds shall be partially insulated." This tends to guarantee that the owner of such vehicles will eventually be intimately familiar with its electrical system, since he will need to trace out each wire, then rewrite his Official Schematic, which will differ from all others in at least one area. 4)THE LAW OF PERSONAL ABUSE "The more an Italian auto breaks down, the more endearing it becomes to its increasingly irrational owner." For example, you purchase an Italian Sports car, for all the money you ever hoped to earn, and receive a ticket for air pollution on the way home from the dealer due to the vast clouds of smoke that follow you. Several return trips to said dealer, accompanied by your rapidly dwindling cash reserves, cures the smoking. But now, the engine sounds like a food processor full of ball-bearings. After replacing every component in the car, including the radio speakers, the noise vanishes and is replaced by an odor reminiscent of a major fire in a goat-hair mattress factory. You still keep trying, God help you. 5)THE LAW OF UNAVAILABLE PARTS "All parts of an Italian sports car shall be made of a material that is available in inverse proportion to its operating half-life." Thus, the speedometer hold-down screws are made of grade 8 cold rolled steel, while the valves are of fabricated Unobtanium, made only at midnight by an old man with a pointy hat covered with moons and stars. Such parts will be backordered during the design phase of the car, and will remain so forever. Bribes, pleading and threats will be ignored. 6)THE LAW OF CRYPTIC INSTRUCTIONS "Any official publications dealing with repair, maintenance or operations of an Italian sports car, shall be written such that every fourth word is incomprehensible to the average American. In the event that a random sentence is understandable, its information shall be wrong." This is also known as flat-tire English, where a sentence flows along nicely, then-Kaboom! | ||
| William Henderson (Billh)
Junior Member Username: Billh Post Number: 55 Registered: 5-2002 |
The Italian & The Bank An Italian man walks into a bank in downtown Manhattan and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to Italy on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Italian hands over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Italian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the Italian returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The Italian replies, "Where else in Manhattan can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?" | ||
| Izel K. (Ferrarist)
Member Username: Ferrarist Post Number: 260 Registered: 3-2001 |
I was gonna post that one but you are quicker  Very funny Rijk. | ||
| Rijk Rietveld (Rijk365gtb4)
Junior Member Username: Rijk365gtb4 Post Number: 234 Registered: 1-2002 |
Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian Customs agent stops them and tells them: "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro." "Vot do you mean it'z illegal?" asks the German driver. "Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official. "Qvattro is just ze name of ze automobile", the Germans retort unbelievingly. "Look at ze papers: zis car is designt to kerry 5 persons." "You can'ta pulla thata one on me!", replies the Italian customs agent. "Quattro meansa four. You hava fivea people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking the law." The German driver replies angrily, - "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over, I vant to speak to somevone viz more intelligence!" "Sorry", responds the Italian official, "he can'ta come. He'sa busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno. | ||
| Frank Foster (Sparta49)
Member Username: Sparta49 Post Number: 384 Registered: 3-2001 |
UH, I believe that would be a French tank. It compliments the Fighter plane with two holes in the canopy so they can raise their hands in surrender | ||
| Nebula Class (Nebulaclass)
New member Username: Nebulaclass Post Number: 38 Registered: 11-2002 |
How do you sink an italian ship? Put it in the water. How many gears does an italian tank have? 5 - 1 forward, 4 reverse. | ||
| Erik R. K. Jonsson (Gamester)
Junior Member Username: Gamester Post Number: 218 Registered: 11-2000 |
What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment. | ||
| John A. Suarez (Futureowner)
Junior Member Username: Futureowner Post Number: 138 Registered: 3-2002 |
Here is my last one before I go out of control and offend a lot of people with baseball bats! Please know this is meant to be a friendly ribbing and that I apologize if you are offended. How is the Italian version of Christmas different? One Mary, one Jesus, and 32 Wise guys. | ||
| John A. Suarez (Futureowner)
Junior Member Username: Futureowner Post Number: 137 Registered: 3-2002 |
What happens when an Italian falls down some stairs? Daego WOP!!! | ||
| Erik R. Jonsson (Gamester)
New member Username: Gamester Post Number: 43 Registered: 3-2002 |
Italian Divorce Angelina and Giuseppe were standing before the judge in divorce court. Angelina says: "Your honour, we benna marry 25 years ana Giuseppe he'always picka his nose ana when we maka love he's a never letsa me on top. I just canna taka dis anymore." The judge listens solemnly then addresses Giuseppe. "Giuseppe, isa dis true? You always a picka your nose and you never let Angelina on top? What you gotta say fora yourself?" Giuseppe says, "Well your honor, itsa true. I picka my nose a lot and, yeah, Angelina, I tella her she'sa gotta be on da bottom. It all go'sa back to whena' I'm a young boy. My poppa, he's a very smarta man. I always follow ev'ryting he say. My poppa one day he says, "Giuseppe, I gotta tella youda two main secrets ofa having a successful life. Number one, you always keepa' your nose clean. Ana' number two, don't f*uck up." |