Cinderella wanted to go to the ball but wasn't allowed by the wicked stepmother. She finally convinced the wicked stepmother to let her go to the ball. The wicked stepmother told Cinderella before she left that if she did not return by midnight that her ****** would turn into a "pumpkin". While at the ball Cinderella met the man of her dreams, but all the while remembering her stepmothers spell. Cinderella finally returned to her house at 2 am where she was met by her very angry stepmother. Cinderella's stepmother, furious with Cinderella, demanded to know where she had been. Cinderella explained that she had been in the park for the past two hours. And with whom? the stepmother demanded Cinderella responded, I can't remember his name, but it was something like Peter Peter..........eater. Dan
hehe...here are some math jokes from MIT. Image Unavailable, Please Login Image Unavailable, Please Login Image Unavailable, Please Login Image Unavailable, Please Login Image Unavailable, Please Login
Here are some great quotes "Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." -- Robin Williams "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." -- Roseanne "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." -- Billy Crystal "According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." -- Robert DE Niro "There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" -- Dustin Hoffman "There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked." -- Jerry Seinfeld "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." -- Rod Stewart "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." -- Robin Williams
More quotes. Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." -- Sharon Stone "My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading." -- Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers) "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?" -- Arnold Schwarzenegger "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." -- Tiger Woods "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-Bit*h." -- Jack Nicholson "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." - Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)
A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year." The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bull*****in' me!" The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it."
Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally naked, while a beautiful, big-breasted nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis. They were told that anyone whose bell rang when the nude model danced in front of them would not be ordained, because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground. Embarrassed, he took a few steps forward and bent over to pick up the bell... Then all the other bells started to ring.
A blonde was sitting on the train reading the newspaper. The headline blared, "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed". She shook her head at the sad news, then turned to the stranger sitting next to her and asked,...... "Wow that is really sad, how many is a Brazilian?"
A shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively. "Would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO, I WON'T SLEEP WITH YOU TONIGHT!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a journalist and I've got an assignment to study how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN $200?"
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criteria is that defines whether a patient should be institutionalized or not. "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub with water, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask the patient to empty the water out of the tub." Okay, here's your test: 1. Would you use the spoon? 2. Would you use the teacup? 3. Would you use the bucket? "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the bucket since it is larger than the teacup or spoon." "No," answered the Director. "A normal person would pull out the stopper."
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."
Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techo-geek. "Hey, bud, how are ya?" "I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!" "Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot! "No way, how could that be?" "Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex, too!" "Holy ****! You're kidding, right?" "No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her" So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!" The guy says, "****! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!"
While on a car trip, an old couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. The old woman unfortunately left her glasses on the table, but didn't miss them until they were back on the highway. By then, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around. The old man fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant. When they finally arrived, as the old woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses, the old man said, "While you're in there, you may as well get my hat, too."
A man asked his wife, "What would you like most for your birthday?" She said, "I'd love to be ten again." On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early, and off they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park, the "Death Slide," the "Screaming Loop," the "Wall of Fear"... She had a go on every ride there was. She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head spinning and her stomach upside-down. Into McDonald's they went, where she was given a Double Big Mac with extra fries and a strawberry shake. Then off to a theater they went to see Star Wars and eat hot dogs, popcorn, cola, and sweets. At last, she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed. Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?" One eye opened, she groaned, "Actually, I meant my dress size."
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said, "It really works!"
As was common, they got into a nasty quarrel at breakfast. "You're not good in bed, either!" yelled the husband as he stormed out to work. Around lunch time, he had cooled off and decided to apologize, so he called home. After many rings, his wife answered. "What took you so long?" he yelled as his temperate began to rise again. "I was in bed." "What were you doing in bed?" "Getting a second opinion."
A man yells to his wife, "Pack your bags. I've won the lottery!" The wife excitedly asks, "Should I pack clothes for cold or warm weather?" He says, "Pack them all, you're leaving!"
An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?" He replied, "To the kitchen." She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replied, "Sure." She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He said, "No, I can remember that." She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that." He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down." With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"
