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What up, Pizzentizzity Houuuuzze?

I ****ed a chick last night.

And man, was that **** was so damn GOOD! I mean, we were at the club, right, and she was with a bunch of homos or something so I just took that sick techno cue to roll up on her and said, “Hey, baby? Are we gonna **** or WHAT?!”

She kicked me in the nutsac. I’d never had a footjob before, but I guess it was all right. Not really my thing.

Once the club closed, I found this little hottie crying on the sidewalk, talking on her cellphone. I’m all up in that smeared mascara, so I said, “Hey, baby? Are we gonna **** or WHAT?”

We went back to my place and totally ****ED!

I guess that’s my story, dawg.

Eric Nies,
Patterson, N.J.

 

Paper,

Grog like put dick in *****. Grog like best when dick hard and ***** wet.

Grog make drawing of hard dick and wet ***** on cave wall with color stick.

Grog,
Tucson, Ariz.

 

Dear Penthouse Forum,

I figured you don’t get a lot of letters from women, maybe I’m wrong, but I thought I would write just to say, ‘Hey.’

I’ve been doing well, I’m out of rehab and back in school. I just wanted to say that I hope you’re not still hurt, because you’re one of the most important people in the world to me and I really want us to be friends. Maybe sometime we can go back to that Afghan restaurant you liked so much!

Give me a call if you get a chance and give my best to your family! How is auditioning going?

Always there for You Sorta … But We’re Still Friends, Right?,
Houston, Tex.

 

Dear Penthouse,

Your magazine sucks!!! I going back to reading Playboy.

Warmest regards,

Horned out in Des Moines.

 

House of Pent,

The bank was filled with the skewed, prying eyes of jealous moneylenders.

Nowhere is safe for my LaWonda.

I have placed the burden of her safekeeping upon myself solely (should it be any other way?), and she now rests with me perpetually and lovingly ensconced, nestled in the right-hand pocket of my tattered trench coat.

I have lost my flat due to lack of payment (accursed encroaching capitalism!) but I care not even a drop of dew on the sleeping eyelash of an unsullied newborn Moor. Though I can perceive the harbingers of a harsh winter, I shall walk until the city is my home, and the internal fires of my passion shall keep me warm. For when LaWonda and I disappear into the misty embankment that with the creeping dawn, envelopes the Old Bridge … I become united with her. I become Her. She becomes Me.

And We become We.

Latex Mouth ****er,
Prague, Czech Republic

 

Dear Penthouse,

I met a woman at a party recently and we ended up making love with such fervor that we knocked items off of the table near my bed. And to think I had never considered the possibility of something like this even happening in the small town where I'm attending college!

Name and Address Withheld

 

Dear Penthouse,

Me again. I'll make this quick, but last weekend at a car-wash fundraiser for the small liberal-arts college I'm attending, I ended up making love to one of the cute coeds working with me. Arguably, as a result of her T-shirt getting wet during a playful water fight the two of us engaged in. I am on fire this year! Maybe it's the tan?

More from me soon.

 

Dear Penthouse,

Can't get into details for obvious reasons, but my roommate's girlfriend and I ended up making love. I'm still kind of freaking out over the potential and obvious complications, but aside from feeling weird emotionally I have to say, things have changed for me. It was never this way with girls. Anyway, I certainly got more than I bargained for from a simple afternoon study session.

Mr. K

 

Dear Penthouse,

Oh. My. God. I was back home recently for summer break and so was a girl I dated before heading off to college. All I can really tell you is this: She is bisexual now and I found myself in a situation that involved making love to her and—get this—also a beautiful mutual friend of ours at the same time. All right, that's enough out of me, as the three of us are from a small enough town that it wouldn't take a rocket scientist to figure out who I'm talking about.

I'm as stunned as you are, trust me.

d

 

She's marriage material!!!

 

Tales of Erotica: Chuck Norris and Me.

Everyone loves getting turned on. Everyone loves high-kicking martial-arts action.

So I'm going to recount for you the very first heavy-petting session I engaged in with my first girlfriend when I was 16. But because I'm not sure that this girlfriend would appreciate me sharing these events, instead of using her real name, I'm going to refer to her as action star Chuck Norris. Likewise, any personal details about my ex-girlfriend that might implicate her directly will be changed to indicate achievements earned by Mr. Norris.

For example, instead of referring to Madeline as a junior-varsity-basketball cheerleader, I will refer to her as an international karate champion. And when I say "star of TV's Walker: Texas Ranger" I'll really mean "supporting cast member in a 1996 high-school production of Jesus Christ: Superstar."

Any references to sexual activities we engaged in will be disguised as martial-arts maneuvers or maybe wrestling holds. I won't say Maddie was the first girl I ever French-kissed, I'll say something to the effect of, "Chuck Norris kicked me so hard in the mouth I had to have my jaw wired shut."

When mentioning details that still embarrass me, I will go on and on with analogies that—if you really think about them—make sense, but are pretty difficult to follow. I won't sheepishly admit that even at 15 she was more experienced than I was. I'll ask you to imagine a younger Chuck Norris, not yet a master of his art, but perhaps an intermediate student, leading one of the newer karate students in basic "block, step, kick" exercises during the warm-up time before class, while the teacher is stretching. I won't tell you that before that afternoon on my parents' couch I had kissed only one other girl—awkwardly—on the cheek, and was quickly, but gently rebuffed. Instead, I'll casually share an anecdote about the time I sparred with Steven Seagal, who let me take a couple swings at him, but quickly got bored, and didn't even waste the energy it would take to break a few of my bones.

The thing about Chuck Norris is that he is not the least bit pretentious. He is not without moments of gracelessness—sometimes overextending a kick, or putting too much of his upper body behind a punch. His form is not nearly as fun to watch as Jet Li's exhausting acrobatics, and it is not quite as pretty as the phony grace of Jean-Claude Van Damme, whose elegance belies technique that is beautiful to look at but entirely useless in a real combat situation. More than anything, Chuck Norris is effective, and he is not self-conscious. I, on the other hand, was deathly afraid of getting a hickey.

I ran into Chuck three years after we stopped fighting regularly. We were both home from our respective colleges during a holiday break. We went to a movie one night, out to coffee another. Finally, the night before I was to return to school, our mutual animosity got the best of us and a fight broke out in the guest bedroom of my parents' house, where we had been watching Saturday Night Live. We had both trained hard in the previous years and were eager to demonstrate the new moves we had learned. In our eagerness, of course, we disregarded technique and the bout quickly turned into a brawl, our limbs flailing wildly, a mess. In this way, this battle was much like our first, but not nearly as sweet.

Afterward, I walked Chuck out to his car, feeling defeated. I leaned in close to the star of the box-office flop Firewalker and asked if he was sure that this was OK. He smiled at me tenderly, placed a hand on my cheek—a hand that had smashed pine boards and bricks, had shattered giant blocks of ice—and then he leapt into the air and delivered a devastating flying roundhouse kick to my skull.

 

TURKEY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Q: A caller just said she forgot to baste every 10 minutes. I advised her to serve the turkey anyway. Was I correct?
A: Not at all. The turkey is merely the vehicle for the basting. In a recent poll, nine out of 10 people would rather sit down at the table and suck on the end of a baster full of buttery juices than gnaw at some dry old wing. Bad call.

Q: I just overheard my co-worker advising a home cook to truss the bird. I arrived late at the "Talk Turkey" seminar last week and missed the trussing segment. Can you advise?
A: Trussing, while not the chef's best friend, is that pleasant acquaintance you see about once a year and always have a compliment for. Trussing is legal in every state. Trussing comes from the word "truss," which means to truss, or tie string or put pins in a turkey to help it stay in a pretty poultrylike shape that is pleasing to the eye. Cooks must remove pins and string before consuming. If a caller wants to know if she should truss, you should tell her you only go around this crazy world once. Trust truss.

Q: Cinnamon or nutmeg?
A: Cinnamon is a nice spice people are comfortable consuming throughout the year, sprinkled either on toast or in a delicious coffee beverage. Nutmeg is a nasty, gritty substance that wants nothing to do with us in the spring or summer but demands our favor come November, only to disappear to the back of the shelf for another year. Why do we continue to accommodate this so-called seasoning? Nutmeg is a stupid jerk.

Q: I just hung up with a caller with the words "gobble gobble" instead of "goodbye"—was this appropriate?
A: No. Make sure you note that in your report to your supervisor on Monday.

Q: The vending machine on the second floor is broken and we're starved. Should we call maintenance?
A: Maintenance is home eating a proper dinner with family and friends. Go to the office kitchen and look in the cupboard behind the fridge. There will be a half-eaten box of Triscuits there, because every office kitchen in existence contains a half-eaten box of Triscuits in the cupboard behind the fridge. Triscuit dust is an acceptable snack when poured into a small paper cup and drunk in the manner of water. Do not use a straw.

Q: My boyfriend didn't care if I worked the holiday. Is our relationship in trouble?
A: Perhaps your boyfriend wanted to watch football unencumbered and without you fussing around with gravy boats and miniature marshmallows. If your boyfriend is a fresh-faced soap star who wants to move up to Broadway, look for him tap dancing his heart out in front of Macy's around 10:35 a.m.

Q: I've been answering calls from perplexed home cooks all day and I still don't know why we bother, really.
A: Everyone talks about the bickering relatives and the burnt yams, but few talk about taking a weekday to eat and nap and gossip with a sibling about another sibling. No one owns it. No focus group studies it. Just you and a mostly empty bowl of stuffing and no clean utensils, so use your fingers already.

 

I wanted to write a letter to The Forum to describe a unique Valentine’s Day experience I had. It was February 14th and some unattached friends and I were at a local bar. We were sharing a few drinks when I noticed an attractive blond woman at the bar. I am a fairly good looking guy and have had my share of eye contact in these types of situations. This woman was looking at me with a special kind of look.

I had enough liquid courage in me to introduce myself. It turns out Michelle was at the bar all alone. Wouldn’t I like to join her? Michelle looked to be in her mid twenties, with a slim figure and a firm chest. She was fair skinned and blond. She might even have been a real blond but I never care.

We found a table away from my drinking buddies. As soon as I sat down Michelle began with that casual contact that is so arousing. First she placed her hand on my knee, then touched my arm, then my face. Before I knew it, we were sharing a long passionate kiss. It was time to leave.

At her apartment, Michelle left me to open a bottle of wine while she slipped into something more comfortable. When she returned she was wearing a red teddy and thong. She looked fantastic! I couldn’t believe my luck. I held her firm, warm body against mine while we kissed. In a passionate embrace we made our way to the bedroom.

In the bedroom I laid her lithe frame on the bed while I removed my clothes. I was a little nervous while disrobing in front of her. She encouraged me by telling me how strong I looked. As I removed my shirt she told me she was eager to feel the heat of me on top of her. It was turning me on. I removed my shoes and socks, then my pants.

As I stood there in my boxer shorts, Michelle could see my manhood bulging away. I was as hard as I could be. I pulled down my underwear to expose my penis. As Michelle reached for it, my heart raced. Soon her warm hand touched its shaft. I ejaculated. My man juice coated the back of her wrist. Some even shot wildly forward and landed on her disappointed face.

 

I live in Hollywood where I am one of the many out of work actors trying for his big break. Work is hard to come by out here. Without a good job, ***** is too.

One time I took a job cleaning pools. It was a good way to keep my tan and to see how the truly wealthy lived. Most of the time the people weren’t even home. I doubt they swam in the damn pool either but my paycheck cashed and I had free time for auditions.

One time I was cleaning a pool in the hills and the owner was around. She was an older woman, probably in her early 40’s. She looked pretty good for her age in a way that money helps. It was a hot day and I wasn’t wearing a shirt while I worked. She sat inside the house watching me. I first noticed her looking while I was getting chlorine she was in the kitchen looking out the window. Later when I was cleaning the bugs out of the filter I spotted her looking at me from the sun room.

After I had finished and before I left, she asked me if I wanted something cold to drink. I wanted something to drink alright. I agreed. I asked her if her husband was around. She said she was not married. She lived alone. I should have known, the place was as tidy as could be. It looked like Martha Stewart’s place.

My host asked if a number of clients come on to me. I told her that I had just started and that she was the first. “I am not coming onto you!” she stammered. She was embarrassed.

“I am sorry, I can go” I said.

“No, please stay.” She continued with “I am all alone”

I began to feel bad for her. She had obviously found success enough to afford this home yet she was still alone. I introduced myself as Jim. Her name was Tina.

Tina looked like an attractive woman. She was wearing white cotton pants, a long sleeve shirt, and white sneakers. She was very preppy and not really my type.

“It has been a long time since I have been with a man” She said. I didn’t know if it there had been women in the meantime or if she was trying to talk about her dry spell. I think she was alluding to a long bout of bad luck. I didn’t know what to say so I sat there silently.

“Do you think I am attractive Jim?” She asked.

“I do. I think you look very nice in your outfit” I said. Where the **** did I come up with that? Outfit? What was I thinking? Tina leaned over and started kissing me. It was a little awkward like a fifth grade spin the bottle kiss. She didn’t seem to know what she was doing. Soon though she opened her mouth a little and we explored each other with our tongues.

As we went down the hall to the bedroom Tina again said something about not being with someone in a long time. I didn’t know what to say so I just kept my mouth shut. Didn’t Ben Franklin once say it is better to keep your mouth shut and to be thought an idiot than to open it and not get laid? Either way I followed Tina to the bedroom.

I was already shirtless so I began to take off my shoes, socks, and pants. I was free-balling that day and I was very quickly naked. Tina gasped at my naked body. She was really staring at my penis.

I moved closer to her and started to remove her top. I tried to do this in a sensual way but it was a little clumsy. The neck of her top got stuck on her chin and for a while she looked like the loser in a hockey fight. While she was struggling to remove her top I noticed the wrinkled skin of her upper chest. I had only been with younger women at this point and this excess skin did not strike me as attractive. Soon her top was off and we were kissing again. I removed her bra. Fortunately, that went more smoothly. It wasn’t an Arthur Fonzarelli one-hander but it was close. Her breasts were small and fairly firm. I was very excited to touch them and she reacted positively.

I bent down to remove her pants. I gently nudged her to lay down on the bed while I wrestled her chinos off of her hips. I grabbed her panties at the same time and off it all went. I looked down to see what appeared to be 40 years worth of pubic hair growth. It looked as if a man with an afro had beat me to the cunnilingus portion of today’s event. I couldn’t believe the size of her bush. Damn, I thought, she needs to sleep with the guy that trims the ****ing hedges.

Regardless, I figured a woman like this was used to the best so I went down. It was a little uncomfortable with all of that hair but I managed to go under it and do my thing. She was very appreciative. So I guess it was worth it. Despite all of the strange things that I was experiencing my unit was ready to go. I slowly got on top of Tina and inserted my cock into her *****. She cooed and moaned that it felt so good. It did feel good. I did my best to make love to her in a sensual way despite the fact that I didn’t know a thing about her. I wondered if this is how gigolos feel. Eventually, it seemed that Tina had enough. I thought of something erotic and got myself off.

When I was done Tina told me “That was great” but not in a very convincing fashion. I left the house soon afterward and drove home. The next week the boss told me I was fired. He said it just wasn’t working out.

Signed,

Pool boy.

 

I'm twenty-five years old with black hair, brown eyes, a dark complexion and a 5" dick. I recently had a wild sexual experience that I would like to share with you. My girlfriend's friend was having a birthday party for her son. The friend knew that I owned a video camera and wanted to know if I would videotape the party. My girlfriend's friend Lori is thirty five years old and pretty good-looking, with a nice, large ass on her. That ass always gets me hard.

While my girlfriend was at work, I went to Lori's apartment to get paid. when I got there, she asked me to come into the bedroom so she could get the money for me. She sat on the edge of the bed and motioned for me to come closer. That's when Lori told me she didn't have the money but would be willing to compensate me in other ways. I asked, "In what other ways?" even though I already knew the answer to the question.

Lori smiled and pulled my shorts down-my cock popped out right in front of her face. She put my dick in her mouth and caressed my balls with her hand. As she sucked my dick, she took her clothes off while I removed my own.

Lori pulled my dick out of her mouth and said "I want you to **** my ***** from behind". She got on all fours and I started pumping her *****. Large asses like Lori's have always turned me on and seeing my cock disappear into her was great. She then surprised me by saying she wanted my dick up her ass. I asked if she had any lubricant and she said "Forget that ****. Just ram me with all you've got."

So into her ******* my cock slid. Lori squeezed my cock with her inner muscles. It felt wonderful. After some more humping she told me to tell her when I was ready to come. I told her it wasn't going to be long. I felt her start to rub her ***** so that she would come too. In a moment I could feel her body convulse with an orgasm. That was enough for me and I came as well.

After we lay on the bed for a while, I decided to head to the bathroom to clean up. My dick was covered with our love juices and it was time to clean them off. Boy did I regret that trip. It smelled like someone died in that ****house. Man, I can't believe the paint wasn't peeling off the walls. She must have taken a massive dump right before I arrived. Even the toilet was plugged with a wads of crap-stained toilet paper on the surface and possibly a huge turd underneath.

I started to breath out of my mouth so that I could last long enough to get out of there but I started to taste the wretched filth. I was trying to wash the funk off of my member when it all started to become too much. I wanted to puke. Actually, I didn't want to puke, the puke wanted to well up within me and spurt out of my mouth. I started to panic. Where was I going to hurl? I couldn't get any closer to that ****-can. It was the root of the problem. I had my dick hanging over the edge of the sink and I didn't want to puke on that. I grabbed for the waste basket. Immediately the vomit was looking for an exit and it found it.

I started to puke out of my mouth and nose. It was mostly the taco bell tacos I had eaten for lunch. I could feel the hard shells up in my sinuses as the vomit flowed into the waste bin. To make matters worse there was a wrapper for preparation-h suppositories in the basket. It is no wonder that chick didn't need lube.

I wiped off my face and dick and then left.

Signed, Quick Getaway in Haddaway, NJ.

 

As a young girl I had a wild first sexual experience. I was a horny teen. I didn't know much about men but I knew that I wanted sex. I wanted it badly.

As early as I can remember I had been masturbating. I would take all sorts of items and insert them inside my *****. I had a vast assortment of items that I would use. Mostly, they were smoothly textured bottles from various cosmetics and toiletries. Looking back, it seemed amazing that some of these product packages made it past the censors. They had bumps, ridges, and bulbous tips just like what I imagine a penis would look like.

When I reached high school, I joined the cheerleading squad. It was fun. We talked about boys and we got to see all of the guys in their uniforms. I was boy crazy and this was the place for me. After practice I would head home and go right to my room. When I was upstairs I would drop my lollipop pants and grab one of my bottles. I would screw myself silly thinking about the guys on the football squad. Sometimes I would imagine that they were sticking the football or a baseball bat inside me. I would fill myself up and rub my clit in a frenzy. I would come and come and come.

One day I tried to sneak into the boys locker room so that I could see some of the boys naked. I managed to get halfway into the locker room before I was caught. The athletic director happened to be leaving the side exit at the time. He knew exactly what I was trying to do. "Come with me young lady" he said. He dragged me to his office. "You have been very bad. I know exactly what you were trying to do".

"If you want to see a naked man, I'll show you a naked man" he explained. I knew that what he was going to do was very wrong but I didn't care. "I wanted to see a cock and I didn't care who it belonged to.". The athletic director was an older man and he wasn't very attractive but he seemed willing to show me his tool. I sat quietly thinking about what was happening while he angrily took off his pants. I couldn't believe it.

When he pulled down his boxer shorts I gasped. "Yeah! he explained. This cock is bigger than anything those little boys are packing". Now I have learned that indeed he did have a fairly large penis. My mistake is that I had been masturbating with much, much larger devices. Even the small deodorant can that I had been using was much larger than a man's penis. The full size shampoo bottle that I had been eagerly thrusting into my ***** was even bigger still.

I have spent my entire adult life disappointed.

 

Tim.

Where are the Xaviera Hollander stories?

 

rofl, I'll dig those up we need to make a trip to Xaviera's Happy House. (Jen scratches her head perplexed)

Xaviera Hollander quotes:
“Actually, if my business was legitimate, I would deduct a substantial percentage for depreciation of my body.”
“You just can't be good in bed anymore. You have to be good at the keyboard too.”
“In America you can get away with murder, but not with sex.”

 

Damn, Test Shoot is trying to roar ahead!!!!

Got to play this on you!!!!
Image Unavailable, Please Login

 

sorry i am so distracted and not psting more bs, i just got a pm from Olivia (from my signature) to meet in NY in a few weeks for a little "Holiday Cheer"

 

Yea, but how is the stock doing..???

 

Well, DOWN, of course!

It touched .15 this AM.

 

"I know more about money and trading then you will in 10 years". Digging into that guys behind shows you guys know what you are talking about and dont fall easly for the BS. With that said, would you care to enlighten or give some solid advice to someone looking to become more active in the stock market than just investing in some blue-chips? Any help to increase my knowledge base is more than appreciated. Trying to get to that glorious day when I can buy my own Ferrari and go cruise with my uncle in San Jose. He has 1995 355 spyder.

 

cant believe this thread is still going

 

Seriously.