Aussie joke thread

err... the canadian bit went right over my head mate...

 

That makes two of us!

 

WHO SAYS MEN DON'T REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES?

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee, "I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is almost reduced to tears herself, just thinking how caring and sensitive her husband is.
"Yes, I do" she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that, too" she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says..."I would have got out today."

 

A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious".


Roland the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious." "Well done, Roland," says the teacher.

"Can anyone else try?"

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious." "Well done, Katie," says the teacher.

"Anyone else?"

Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious."

 

Hehehe!

 

lol horse i like it

 

stolen from an old HSRCA Oily Rag news letter
Image Unavailable, Please Login

 

for all the married men...
Image Unavailable, Please Login

 

A woman brought a very limp duck into a vet. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your duck has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm quite sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean,you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat.

The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.

"$150!", she cried. "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry."

"If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

 

A man and his wife are awakened, at 3 o'clock in the morning by loud
pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing
in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push,"he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out
there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember,
about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding

rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband

The drunk replied,
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.


"Over here on the swing!"

 

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise . Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.



Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.



Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!




Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.




Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!




Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening.... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?



Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.



Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable. It's the best feel-good food around! !



Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.



Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! !




Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"

 

Don't laugh!" said the patient, Ron.

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm

a professional. In over twenty years I've never

laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Ron said, & proceeded to drop his

trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whooha' the doctor

had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than

the size of a AAA battery.

unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling,

then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was

able to struggle to his feet & regain his composure.

"I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't

know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor

& a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now

what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Ron replied...

 

Americans...
Image Unavailable, Please Login

 

A lady approaches a priest and says to him, "Father I have a problem. I
have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing".
What do they say?" the priest inquired.
They only know how to say ..... Hi, we're prostitutes, D'ya wanna have
some fun?"


"That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest, "but I have a solution to your
problem, bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put
them with my two male parrots who I have taught to pray and read the bible.


My parrots will teach yours to stop saying that terrible phrase and will
learn to praise and worship instead."
"Thank you" the woman responded.


The next day the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and praying in their
cage.

The woman put her two female parrots in with the two male parrots and
the females immediately said "Hi, we're prostitutes, D'ya wanna have some
fun?"

One male parrot looks at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put
the f***ing beads down Frank, our prayers have been answered!!"

 

Who said they are dumb?

Subject: Lawyer V Blonde - Clever!



A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long
flight.



The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is
tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and
tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a
question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask
me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."


This catches the blonde's attention; and, to keep him quiet, she agrees
to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the
distance from the earth to the moon?"



The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a $5
note, and hands it to the lawyer.


Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill
with three legs, and comes down with four?"



The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the
Airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He
sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.



After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde

and hands her $500.



The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep.



The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and
asks,"Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with
four?"



The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to
sleep

 

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very
faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on
the Bacardi Breezers.Incredibly drunk & walking home, they needed to
pee, so they stopped in a nearby cemetery. One of them had nothing to
wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and used them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and
did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a
grave that had a wreath with a big wide ribbon on it, so she proceeded
to use that. After the girls finished their business they proceeded to
go home.The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his
normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he
phoned the other husband and said, "These darn girls nights out have got
to stop. I'm starting to suspect the worst . My wife came home with no
panties!" "That's nothing" said the other husband. "Mine came back with
a card stuck in the crack of her butt that said, "From all the boys at
the Fire Station. We'll never forget you."

 

IS THIS STORY SPOOKY OR WHAT?

A True Australian ghost story

This story happened a while ago in Sydney, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.

John Bradford, a Sydney University student, was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door, just to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched how the hand repeatedly came through the window but never harmed him.

Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub down the road so, gathering strength, jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just experienced.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying and wasn't drunk.

Suddenly two other people walked into the same pub. They, like John, were also wet and out of breath.

Looking around and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other, "Look, Bruce ?? there's that f*cking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it."

 

it's all about priorities...
Image Unavailable, Please Login

 

This morning on the way to work I rear-ended a car at some lights whilst not really paying attention.

Anyway, the fella who was driving got out.

And he was a dwarf!

He said "I'm not happy"

I said "Well, which one are you then?"

 

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.



She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.



After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.



She repeats this gesture about five more times.



When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourselves?'.



'We can't chew them because we have no teeth', she replied.



The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'









(scroll down)





















The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'

 

A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to

rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal

fluid."

 

A man went to a psychiatrist and said, "Doctor, I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You have to help me, I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the psychiatrist. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
"I'll sleep on it," said the man.
Six months later the doctor met the man on the street.
"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."
"Is that so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

 

Thank you Tommy Cooper......


Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was brilliant.

------------------------------------------------------------

Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

------------------------------------------------------------

"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "
"Is it common? "
"It's not unusual."

------------------------------------------------------------

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

------------------------------------------------------------

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. My dog's cross-eyed, is there
anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"

------------------------------------------------------------

"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
"Well you can't say fairer than that then"

------------------------------------------------------------

Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

------------------------------------------------------------

What's brown and sounds like a bell?
DUNG

------------------------------------------------------------


What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.

------------------------------------------------------------

"So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah."
I said "Why?"
He said "My dog's died.'"

------------------------------------------------------------

"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said 'You are.'"

------------------------------------------------------------

"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local
swimming baths?'
He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"

------------------------------------------------------------

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my
house.'
He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

------------------------------------------------------------

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think
it's Colin.

------------------------------------------------------------

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up,
and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.'
And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I
went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?'
And I said 'I careered off the road.

------------------------------------------------------------

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'.
And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.'

------------------------------------------------------------

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

------------------------------------------------------------

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round."
The other one says "so are you, you fat bast**d!"

------------------------------------------------------------

Two cannibals were eating a clown.
One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"

------------------------------------------------------------

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and then let the other one off.

------------------------------------------------------------

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen.
It said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

------------------------------------------------------------

A man walked into the doctors.
The doctor said "I haven't seen you in a long time"
The man replied "I know I've been ill"

------------------------------------------------------------

A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several places"
The doctor said "well don't go there any more"

------------------------------------------------------------

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

------------------------------------------------------------

My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.

------------------------------------------------------------

I was driving down the motorway with my bird the other day when we both got a bit frisky and decided to do something about it. So we decided we'd take the next exit, but it was a turn-off.

------------------------------------------------------------

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

------------------------------------------------------------

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

 

*groan*

what a shocker

 

betcha laughed at a couple.