Joke.

go to your room

 

hahaha...good stuffs Steve!

 

A very naive British sailor is in a bar in London. He meets a wild girl, and she takes him upstairs. She takes off her pants and her panties and motions for him to get closer.
He looks between her legs, and he says, "What's that?"
She says, "It's me lower mouth."
He says, "What do you mean, 'your lower mouth?'"
She says, "Just what I said, it's me lower mouth. It's got
a mustache...it's got lips..."
He says, "Has it got a tongue in it?"
She says, "Not always."

 

So this guys walks into a bar right? Everybody knows him there as Jo Jo, the town drunk. So Jo Jo walks over to the bar and orders an entire bottle of whiskey then leaves. On the way home the next morning, the bartender walks by Jo Jo's farm where he hears this huge calamitous commotion coming from the barn. The concerned bartender walks over to see what was going on just in time to see Jo Jo drunk off his tail humping all the cows! "Now Jo Jo," the bartender warns, "If you don't stop getting drunk and staying up all night humping farm animals you're gonna have a heart attack and die one day!" Jo Jo promptly waved him off and went over to the horses for some more fun. The next day Jo Jo comes back into the bar and orders the same old bottle of whiskey then leaves. Once again on the way home the next morning, the bartender walks by Jo Jo's farm and hears the pigs squeaking and squealing for their lives. The bartender walks over and sees Jo Jo drunk off his tail screwing the pigs! "Now Jo Jo," the bartender warns again, "If you don't stop getting drunk and staying up all night screwing farm animals you're gonna die from a heart attack!" Jo Jo again shrugs off the warning and grabs the donkey. Well the next night, of course, in comes Jo Jo to order his bottle of whiskey. Well the next morning as the bartender walked by Jo Jo's farm he didn't hear anything so he walked around to the back of the barn to see Jo Jo laying in the middle of the field motionless. "Poor Jo Jo," the bartender says to himself, "Stayed up all night screwing farm animals and now he's dead from a heart attack." Just then Jo Jo looks up and points to the sky then says, "SHH, there's buzzards!"

 

A panda spent the night in bed with a prostitute. The following morning as he is about ready to leave, the prostitute yells after him, "Hey, aren't you going to pay me?" The panda appears confused, so she throws a dictionary at him and tells him to look up 'prostitute.' The definition reads: 'A woman who engages in promiscuous sexual activity for pay. 'The panda throws the dictionary back at the prostitute and tells her to look up 'panda.' The definition reads: 'An animal that eats bushes, shoots, and leaves.'

 

Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball. Suddenly, a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head and passes the three women. He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband," she says. He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband either," she says, also not recognizing the unit. He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her. "Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a member of this club."

 

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why, of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks, "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds, "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of course," says the second. Curious, the first asks, "Where in Ireland?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it, me too! Lets have another round of drinks to Dublin." "Of course." The second man can't help himself so he asks, "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's", replies the first man. "I graduated in '62." "This is becoming unbelievable!!!" the second man said. About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's up?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replied the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again!"

 

My wife asked me to go to the video store and get 'Scent of a Woman' the other day. She hit me when I came back with a 'Fish Called Wanda'.

 

Three oil company executives and one city employee were discussing the mentality of their dogs. The man with Exxon called his dog sliderule, and told sliderule go get one dozen cookies, bring them back, and place them in three equal stacks which sliderule proceeded to do. The man with Texaco called his dog tri-square, and told tri-
square to take the chalk and draw a circle, a square, and a triangle on the board, which he proceeded to do. the man with Conoco. called his dog Computer, and told him to go get 10 ounces of milk, and to pour 6 ounces into a bowl, which computer proceeded to do. They then asked the city employee what his dog could do. The city man said his dog was named coffee break, and told him to show the men what he could do. Coffee Break ran over ate the cookies, drank the milk, pissed on the blackboard, humped the other dogs, claimed he hurt his
back, put in for sick leave, and applied for workman's compensation

 

A 13 year-old boy comes home from school and his mom asks how his day was. He replies, "I had sex with my
teacher today." "Oh my god! You get to your room! Wait till your father comes home!!!", says the mom. Awhile later the father comes home and the mom says,
"Go up to your son's room and talk to him. He's been really bad today." Dad goes up to the son's room and asks why mom is so mad. "I told her I had sex with my teacher today," replied the boy. "Alright! That's my boy!", says dad. "Ya know son, women just don't think like men. But I'm proud of you. What are you now, about thirteen, right? Wow. That's my son! Ya know what? I'm so proud of you I'm gonna take you out and buy you that new shiny bike you've been wanting!" So the dad and his son go out and buy the nicest, reddest, shiniest bike in the whole town. "You gonna ride it home son?" asks dad. The boy replied, "Nah, my a$$ is still sore."

 

A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being watched by a midget. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range. "Wow!" comments the midget. "Those are the nicest b*lls I have ever seen!" Surprised and flattered-the man thanks the midget and starts to move away. "Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them?" Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request. The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's b*lls, and says, "Okay, hand over your wallet or I'll jump!"

 

The young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should have it. His grandfather told him that when you first get married, you want it all the time ... and maybe do it several times a day. Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year ... maybe on your anniversary. The young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well how about you and Grandma now?" His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now." "What's oral sex?" the young fellow asked. "Well," Grandpa said, "she goes to bed in her bedroom, and I
go to bed in my bedroom. She yells, 'Screw You,' and I holler back, 'Screw You too.'"

 

A man is driving late one Saturday night when a cop pulls him over. The policeman walked up to the man and asks, "Have you been drinking, sir?" "Why? Was I weaving?" "No," replies the policeman, "you were driving fine. It's the ugly fat chick in the passenger seat that gave you away."

 

Justin and Jason are in a bar getting drunk. Justin says, "you know why I drink so much? Because my wife is so ugly." Jason says, "yeah, you think your wife's ugly? you should see my wife. She's a pig." They decide that the only way to see who has the ugliest wife is to see both. They first go to Justin's house, and knock on the door, and his wife answers. Jason says, "WOW!" "You have a point. She's a show stopper for sure. That face could send a train down a dirt road. But we still gotta see my wife." When they get to Jason's house, they go into the living room, he pushes the couch, the chairs and the table up against the wall, and then rolls up the rug. In the middle of the floor is a huge trap door. He lifts it open and yells down, "Hey, Danielle! Come on up here! She says, "all right. Should I put the bag over my head?" Jason says, "No, I don't want to have sex. I just want to show you off."

 

There's this old college instructor, and at the beginning of every class he begins with a vulgar joke. the girls in his class get tired of it, and they decide that next time he says one they will get up and leave. The teacher gets wind of their plan, and the next class he walks in and says: "Did you hear about the shortage of whores in Australia?"
All the girls get up to leave and the teacher says: "Wait! The boat doesn't leave till tomorrow!"

 

There was a bar with a sign that read "Pianist Wanted." So this guy walks in there and says I'm here for the pianist job. The owner says well play us a tune and if you're good enough then you've got the job. So he sits down and plays a song that nearly puts the owner in tears. "Oh, what a great song! What's it called?" the manager asks. "It's
called, the dog with 2 dicks and my wife's doin my brother!" "Um, that's strange but, play us one more tune." So the man plays another tune and this time the manager breaks down with tears. "What do you call that song?" he sheepishly asks. "The frog takin a **** and the camel with 3 humps!" he replies. The manager told him that he had the job on one condition. He must not tell the customers the names of the songs he is playing. He started playing that night. After every song he would get a standing ovation. After about 2 hours he stood up and said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm going to take a quick break ad I will return in a few moments." So he ducked into the toilets to take a slash. On his way out a man passing said " Hey man, do you know your zippers undone and your c*cks hangin out." "know it, I wrote it!"

 

As the woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you doing?" The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone." The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad, I'm thirty-
five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone." A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the family room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked, "What the hell are you doing?" The husband replied, "I'm watching the ball game with my son-in-law."

 

Two orthodox Jews went to Pincus the tailor for new suits. "Listen, Pincus," one said, "the last suits you made for us were sort of gray. We need black suits, the darkest black cloth that we can get." "See this cloth?" Pincus said, fingering a bolt of fabric. "This is the stuff they make nuns' habits from. There ain't no blacker cloth." A few weeks later, the two men were walking down the street in their new suits when they passed two nuns. Impulsively,
one of the men went up to the nuns and matched his suit against their habits. Becoming angry, he muttered something to his friend and they both walked off. "What did that man want?" one nun asked the other. "I don't know," she replied, "He looked at my garment, said something in Latin and left." "Well, I know a little Latin. What did he say?" "He said, 'Pincus F*cktus'.