Aussie joke thread

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and
pass a flower shop where the redhead sees her boyfriend buying her flowers.
The Redhead sighs and says: "Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me
flowers again"
The blonde looks quizzically at her and says: "You don't like
getting flowers from your boyfriend?"
The redhead replies: "I love getting flowers, but he always has
expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending
the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."
The blonde says: "Don't you have a vase?"

 

Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton, on an airliner bound for
Texas, finds herself seated next to an older, weathered man in
a western snap shirt, faded jeans, and a cowboy hat. Thinking
herself above the old cowboy, she decides to make sport of him.

"You know," she says, "I've heard these flights go much more
quickly if you strike up a conversation with a fellow
passenger. So, let's talk."

The cowboy looks at her wryly and says, "Well I s'pose that'd
be all right, m'am. What'd ya like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," says Hillary with a slight hint of
sarcasm. "How
about Iraq?"

"Hmm," says the cowboy, sensing an attempt to perhaps
belittle him, "That could be an interesting topic. But let me
ask you a question first: Horses, cows, and deer all eat the
same stuff--grass.
Yet a deer passes little pellets, a cow turns out a flat
patty, and a horse makes muffins of dried poop. Why do you
suppose that is?"

Dumbfounded, Senator Clinton replies, "I haven't the
slightest idea."

"So tell me, then," says the cowboy with a smile. "How is it
that you feel qualified to discuss Iraq when you don't know
sh*t?"

 

Nah, Avatar stays until it is deleted or changed. No subscribed users don't have reuqired database permissions to add an avatar. Once you've subscribed, it stays until someone deletes it.

 

where is your new thread?

 

Who cares.........

 

A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her va****l lips reduced in size because they were loose and flapping.

Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor.
"I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?" she asked.
"Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burns unit. He just wanted to thank you for his new ears."

 

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Husband and wife sitting having dinner in a fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says that she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replied the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw, I've had enough of this, I want a divorce", says the wife.

"I can understand that says the husband, but remember if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infinity or Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club, but the decision is yours"

Just then a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

 

Man walks into a psychiatrists office and says, 'Doctor you got to help me, all my friends think I'm a horse.'

'Yes - but why the long face.'










Boom Boom

 

Husband and Wife

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Husband and wife sitting having dinner in a fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says that she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replied the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw, I've had enough of this, I want a divorce", says the wife.

"I can understand that says the husband, but remember if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infinity or Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club, but the decision is yours"

Just then a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

 

i'm glad you added that... i read it before and wondered if i'm just too sober

still crap.

 

Yeah

 

An award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney some
weeks ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when
confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. A
crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been
withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".

The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help
you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared
At the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "**** You!" Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, but you'll have to fly QANTAS for that service."

 

repost from 1996... when did Virgin Airlines start...?

---> http://groups.google.com.au/group/comp.org.cpsr.talk/browse_thread/thread/69ae5ab309639bac/a0697a7c685bc7b9?lnk=st&rnum=279&hl=en#a0697a7c685bc7b9

 

Give us time....we're backwerd down here.

 

PS How the **** did you find that so quickly? You geeks amaze me.

Anyway, can you play a banjo?

 

fwiw i have nothing against reposting old jokes, i'm happy to hear them again and have a chuckle. what really spoils it for me is the jokes that have been changed for context, you read/hear it knowing you've heard it before except it was different and better before and so no longer funny.

like all the songs that come out that are just rip-offs of older songs, impossible to enjoy for it's own merit.

of course! i did the theme music to this...
---> http://aussieexotics.com/videos/tasmania-the-deliverance-state-10590

 

Yeah, know what you mean.
The outlaws arrived today for a 10 day stay with us. Had a nice 16yo bottle of plonk with dinner. Enough impressing, back to clean skins tomorrow.

Might get them into my office in a min and show them the deliverance clip.
They're from sadelaide, so they'll appreciate it.

 

hate to brag but i've already polished off a $6.90 bottle of Angus Brut.

livin the high life man.

 

Sounds like an aftershave from the 60's

 

probably getting stuck into the old spice now!

 

well, let me tell you it's not many places you can go where you can get a bottle of champers and a six pack of bavarian lager for less than the price of a steak... but that place is Ash's.

btw, here's the steak i just had.

one awesome rib-eye.
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Looked like a nice steak before you burnt it
Or was that just a bad pic?
Btw, had one of those rib eyes recently at the place we went when you guys were down here...bloody good!

 

burnt? have a look at that 2nd pic again! the outside is char-grilled, there's a few mm of cooked meat, and the inside is basically raw.

perrrrrrfect!

glad you like, it really was one of the best steaks i've had.

 

Probably not a great pic and my glasses being fogged up wouldn't help.

 

dont know if this has been posted b4,


bloke walks into bedroom with a sheep under his arm and looks at wife who is in bed reading..."this is the pig that i sleep with when u have a headache"

the wife says..."but that is not a pig its a sheep"

the bloke says......"I was talking to the sheep"