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Joke.

Discussion in 'Other Off Topic Forum' started by Fan512bbi, Jan 15, 2005.

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  1. Remy Zero

    Remy Zero Two Time F1 World Champ

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    your bloody killing me Steve! :D :D

    good ones! :D
     
  2. Schatten

    Schatten F1 World Champ
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    What do Keith Ledger and Britney Spears have in common?

















    They'll never see their kids again.
     
  3. Fan512bbi

    Fan512bbi Two Time F1 World Champ
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    :D
    :eek:
     
  4. Fan512bbi

    Fan512bbi Two Time F1 World Champ
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    A young fellow ran into an old man who was carring a bag.

    "What's in the bag?" the youngster asked.

    "magic apples", the old man replied.

    "Prove it", said the young man.

    "Well, besides apples, what is your favorite two fruits?" asked the old man.

    "Watermelon and peaches", he answered.

    The man handed him an apple and told him to try it out. The boy took a bite and said that it tasted like a watermelon. "Ok, turn it over", he said.

    The boy did and took another bite and said that it tasted like a peach.

    The youngster still wasn't convinced that they were magic.

    The old fellow told him to name something else that he liked to eat.

    "I like to eat pus*y." he snapped.

    The man handed him another apple and told him to try it.

    He took a big bite, spit it out, wipped his mouth and esclaimed, "That tasted like sh*t".

    The old man looked at him, smiled and said, "Turn it over."
     
  5. Fan512bbi

    Fan512bbi Two Time F1 World Champ
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    This guy is walking along a dirt road when he stubbles upon an redneck lying on the ground with his ear in the dirt.


    "Are you alright? What are you doing?" the man asks but gets no answer at all.

    The redneck doesn't even acknowledge that he is there.

    So after a while of silence the man asks again, "Can I help you sir?"

    The redneck replies this time. "Ford pick-up truck, blue, 18 inch rims, two passengers, female driver."

    "Wow! You can tell all that by listening to the ground!" the man says.

    "NO" The redneck replies with a shocked look on his face "The bit*h ran over me 10 minutes ago!"
     
  6. Fan512bbi

    Fan512bbi Two Time F1 World Champ
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    Three men went to hell.

    The devil said to them "You have come to hell, and you must now choose whether to spend eternity in room 1, 2 or 3"

    He then opened the doors to the three rooms.

    Room 1 was filled with men standing on their heads, on a hard wooden floor.

    Room 2 was filled with men standing on the heads, on a cement floor.

    Finally, room 3 had just a few men, standing in sh*t up to their knees and drinking coffee.

    The men thought for a while, and decided to go with room 3, as it was less crowded and they could drink coffee.

    They entered the door to room 3 and just as it was closing behind them, the devil said "OK men, coffee break's over. Back on your heads."
     
  7. Fan512bbi

    Fan512bbi Two Time F1 World Champ
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    #3007 Fan512bbi, Jan 24, 2008
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 7, 2017
  8. Fan512bbi

    Fan512bbi Two Time F1 World Champ
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    This guy goes to a super market and goes to isle 12 and asks for a box of condoms.

    The lady askes "what size" and the guy says "I don't know" so the lady askes him to pull down his pants.

    The lady tugs a few times and says "you need a box of x-large condoms".

    So this guy hears behind him and he asks for a box of condom's, and the lady says "what size" and the guy says I don't know.

    So the lady asks him to pull down his pants.

    The lady tugs a few time and says "get a box of medium condoms"

    So this teenager in isle 11 hears and wants some of the action.

    So he goes to isle 12 and asks "can I have a box of condoms"

    The lady asks "what size" and the teenage says "I don't know"

    So the lady asks him to pull down his pants .

    When he does, the lady tugs a few times, stands up and announces "Clean up in isle 12"
     
  9. Remy Zero

    Remy Zero Two Time F1 World Champ

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  10. Modenafan

    Modenafan F1 World Champ
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    The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.

    Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
    Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
    One student, however, wrote the following:
    First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
    Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. < /P>
    This gives two possibilities:
    1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
    2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
    So which is it?
    If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

    THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
     
  11. amenasce

    amenasce Three Time F1 World Champ
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    :D :D :D , excellent /
     
  12. Fan512bbi

    Fan512bbi Two Time F1 World Champ
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    :)

    A guy is sitting in a bar with his friends bitc*ing about going home to his wife.

    His friends ask him why he doesn't want to go home to such a fine looking woman and he replies...

    "Well, the problem is that she has Gonnorrhea"

    So what say the friends, flip her over.

    "Well, she also has diarrhea" the guy says.

    "Yuck, but what about her mouth." The friends chime in.

    "Halitosis" the man says.

    "Damn, Why would you stay with her?" The friends say.

    "Well," the guy replies "She also has worms, and you guys know how I like to fish."
     
  13. Fan512bbi

    Fan512bbi Two Time F1 World Champ
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    One afternoon a little girl excitedly approached her mother, and announced that she had learned where babies come from at school that day. Amused, her mother replied, "Really, sweetie? Why don't you tell me all about it?"

    The little girl explained, "Well... OK... the mommy and daddy take off all of their clothes, and the daddy's thing sort of stands up, and the mommy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and that's where babies come from."

    Her mom shook her head, leaned over to meet her eye to eye, and said, "Oh, honey, that's sweet, but that's not where babies come from. That's where jewelry comes from."
     
  14. Fan512bbi

    Fan512bbi Two Time F1 World Champ
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    There was this lady and she really wanted to have sex, but she was to scared to ask her husband so she went to a jipsy and told her her problem.

    The jipsy rummaged around in a chest and pulled out a pickle jar with a penis in it, and said "All you have to do is open the jar and say 'Pickle penis my vigina' and it will start having sex with you".

    So later she tries out the pickle penis and it works great. That is until her husband walks in and he shouts "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT" and the woman says "It's a pickled penis"

    Unfortunately her husband replied "PICKLE PENIS MY ASS"
     
  15. Fan512bbi

    Fan512bbi Two Time F1 World Champ
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    #3015 Fan512bbi, Jan 25, 2008
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 7, 2017
  16. Modenafan

    Modenafan F1 World Champ
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    A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The Wal-Mart greeter said pleasantly, "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart Nice children you have there. Are they twins?" The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no, they ain't. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?" "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."
     
  17. Fan512bbi

    Fan512bbi Two Time F1 World Champ
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    LMAO :D brilliant.
     
  18. Zupra

    Zupra F1 Rookie

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  19. Fan512bbi

    Fan512bbi Two Time F1 World Champ
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    Hey mate :) how you doing?
     
  20. Zupra

    Zupra F1 Rookie

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    Pretty fine, and you?
     
  21. Fan512bbi

    Fan512bbi Two Time F1 World Champ
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    Ok thanks mate :)
     
  22. Fan512bbi

    Fan512bbi Two Time F1 World Champ
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    A young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first ever physical exam.

    After checking all of her vitals and running the usual tests, the doctor said, 'Well, Running Doe, you are in fine health. I could find no problems. I did notice one abnormality however.'

    'Oh, what is that, Doctor?'

    'Well, you have no nipples.'

    'None of the people in my tribe have nipples' she replied.

    'That is amazing,' said the doctor, 'I'd like to write this up for The South Dakota Journal of Medicine if you don't mind.

    She said , 'OK.'

    'First of all' asked the doctor, 'how many people are in your tribe?'

    She answered, 'Approximately 500.'

    'And what is the name of your tribe?' asked the doctor. *

    Running Doe replied, 'We're called ...... ;

    (I really do hate to do this to you; I love it!)



    scroll down


    scroll down


    scroll down


    scroll down


    scroll down

    'The Indiannippleless Five Hundred'
     
  23. Fan512bbi

    Fan512bbi Two Time F1 World Champ
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    A teacher is explaining biology to her 1st grade students.
    'Human beings are the only animals that stutter', she says.
    A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered', she volunteered.
    The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could come, asked the girl to describe the incident.

    'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty, and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!

    'That must've been scary', said the teacher.

    'It sure was', said the little girl. 'My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff,
    Fffff'... And before he could say 'fu*k', the Rottweiler ate him
     
  24. Fan512bbi

    Fan512bbi Two Time F1 World Champ
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    was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating
    for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

    There was only one little thing bothering me... It was her beautiful
    younger sister.

    My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts,
    and generally was bra-less.

    She would regularly bend down when she was near me and I always got more
    than a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when
    she was near anyone else.

    One day this 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check
    the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she
    whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she
    couldn't overcome.

    She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and
    committed my life to her sister.
    Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

    She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one, last
    wild fling, just come up and get me.'

    I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

    I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to
    the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

    Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all
    clapping!

    With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are
    very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a
    better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

    And the moral of this story is:












    Always keep your condoms in your car.
     
  25. Fan512bbi

    Fan512bbi Two Time F1 World Champ
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    Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

    The first hunter says " Wow, that's some hole, I can't even see the bottom, I wonder how deep it is?"

    The second hunter says" I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

    The first hunter says " There's this old transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see". So they pick it up and carry it over,and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole. They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole with no hesitation, and jump in headfirst.

    While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. "Say there", says the farmer, "you
    fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

    The first hunter says " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hundred miles an hour and jumped
    headfirst into this hole here!"

    And the old farmer said " Why that's impossible, I had him chained to a transmission! "
     

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