Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said,"You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates". The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?" v v v v v v The man replied, "These are Carols." And So The Christmas Season Begins......
1. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your pop across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying. 2. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "SH**!!!" 3. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age. 4. PLIERS: Used to round off hexagonal bolt heads. 5. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle: It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. 6. VISE GRIP PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. 7. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a wheel hub you're trying to get the bearing race out of. 8. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes. 9. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper. 10. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 4X4: Used to attempt to lever an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle. 11. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing splinters of wood, especially Douglas fir. 12. TELEPHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack. 13. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for removing dog feces from your boots. 14. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit. 15. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of bolts and fuel lines you forgot to disconnect. 16. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle. 17. AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw. 18. TROUBLE LIGHT: The home builder's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading. 19. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and squirt oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off the interiors of Phillips screw heads. 20. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 70 years ago by someone at Ford, and rounds them off. 21. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part. 22. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short. 23. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer now-a-days is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit. 24. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing upholstered items, chrome-plated metal, and plastic parts.
* 1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear? * 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are * 3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas * 4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me * 5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and..... * 6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me * 7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire * 8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why * 9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away? * 10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder -- - Jingle Bells,! Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells , Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
One for Smudgey, Kazza et al - A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident in his 360C and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever at the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital... She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate slice which was complimentary from the last shop. She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take because for the rest of his life he will require round the clock care! And now you'll be his carer!' The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed. The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. What'd you buy?'
A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table. The wife asks, "Do you know her?" "Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-girlfriend before I met you. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since." "Good heavens!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
Hopelessly romantic Woman says to her hopelessly unromantic Man: "Say something soft and mushy to me." 'Shiiiiiiit.'
We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed: GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask, "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?" BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say, "You're next." I hope this clears up any confusion. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death
No, it was purely a joke. I wouldn't offer advise on marriage as I see it as a very personal decision. It is too easy to generalise.
difference between man vs women a woman goes home 7 in the morning, tells the husband that she stayed over at her best friend's place. if the husband call 10 of the her best friend to double check, 10 of her best friends will say "No she didn't sleep here last night" a man goes home 7 in the morning, tells the wife that he stayed over at his best friend's place. if the wife call 10 of the his best mates to double check, 8 will say "Yeah he did!", the other 2 will say "I'll get him to call you back, because he's in the toilet right now!"
An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists the Top End On their way to Doomagee, he was describing the abilities of the Australian Aborigine to track man or beast over land....through the air.....under the sea. The Americans were incredulous. Then later in the day, the tour rounded a bend on the highway and discovered, lying in the middle of the road, an Aborigine. He had one ear pressed to the white line whilst his left leg was held high in the air. The tour stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate Aborigine. "Jacky," said the tour guide, "what are you tracking and what are you listening for?" The aborigine replied, "Down the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Ford Ute. It's red. The left front tyre is bald. The front end is out of whack and it has dents in every panel. There are 9 blackfellas in the back, all drinking warm VB. There are 3 kangaroos on the roof rack and 6 dogs on the front seat." The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and detailed knowledge. "Goddammit man! How do you know all that?" asked one. The Aborigine replied, "I fell out of the f**kin' thing about half an hour ago!"
There has been a monthly average of 160,000 troops in the Iraq theatre of operations during the last 22 months, and a total of 2,112 deaths. That gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000 soldiers. The firearm death rate in Washington D.C. is 80.6 per 100,000 persons for the same period. That means that you are about 25% more likely to be shot and killed in the U.S. Capital than you are in Iraq. Conclusion: The U.S. should pull out of Washington.
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.' The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns.' 'Do you mean a rose?' 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
Why do blondes wear knickers? Occupational Health and safety regulations require that all man holes must be covered when not in use.
A blokes standing outside a brothel and tells his mate he can tell the race of each of the clients. His mate says I bet you can't. He goes OK. See the guy who just walked in? Him a "Rush in". The guy inside is "Him a Layin". And see the guy who just left. "Him a Finnish"
you guys have to read this. FF at his lunatic best! http://aussieexotics.com/forum/ferrari/testarossa-lap-times-with-ss-t1159.0.html
