I saw my friend standing outside the doctors looking very glum. Whats up mate, I said. Ive got the big C, he replied Cancer? I said No, Dyslexia, he replied
Three Cheerleaders walked into the doctors office to get an exam. The first one was called into the doctors room, and sat down. The doctor comes in and asks her to take of her top. After she did, the doctor noticed a mark on her chest. "what happened to you, It looks like a big S is burnt into your chest" the doctor asked. "well my boyfriend likes it a little ruff. "explain" says the doctor. "well during sex he likes me to put on his letterman's sweater. Then we have mad passionate sex and he's from Stanford". After the doctor was done with the first cheerleader, he call's in the second one. "Take off your top" asked the doctor, sure enough there was a mark on her chest as well, but of an H. "What happened to you", the doctor asked. "well my boyfriend likes it a little ruff. "explain" says the doctor. "well during sex he likes me to put on his letterman's sweater. Then we have mad passionate sex and he's from Harvard". When they were finished the doctor calls in the third cheerleader and asks her to take off her top, so she does. On her chest is a big M, so the doctor says, "Let me guess you got this mark from your boyfriend in Minnesota". "No" says the girl, "My girlfriend in Wisconsin".
A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him cold. Passersby pulled him from the wreck and revived him. He began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics. Later, when he was calm, they asked him why he struggled so. He said, "I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a concrete slab in front of a huge, flashing 'Shell' sign...and somebody was standing in front of the S!..."
One day two drunks are standing on the corner of a busy street. One of them is bent over and the other has his finger up the other drunk's ass. A cop sees the two of them and runs over to stop what they're doing. "What the hell are you doing with your finger up his a$$?" yells the cop. "I'm trying to make him puke!" says the drunk. "Well, you won't make him puke by sticking your finger up his a$$!" the cop says. "I will when I stick it in his mouth", says the drunk.
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground, and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow." "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?" To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
This guy is really into blow up dolls and rings his mail order supplier and says he wants something absolutely realistic. The supplier says, "I have just the thing, 'Life-like Tina', So realistic you can't tell the difference!" The guy orders one. Meanwhile the supplier is looking at the box and cannot believe how realistic 'Life-like Tina' looks, so he decides to blow it up. Once inflated he gets really turned on and thinks, "What the hell!" and has sex with the doll. Washing it afterwards, he neatly packages it and sends it out to the guy. A month later the guy calls up and says, "You know that 'Life-like Tina' blow up doll you sent me? I cannot tell you how happy I am." "Yeah, it's a totally believable experience." Then the supplier says, "Realistic then?" The Guy says, "So realistic...I got syphilis."
A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night... 5% said it was to get a glass of water 12% said it was to go to the toilet... 83% said it was to go home
A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a brand new Ferrari 550. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light. An old man on a moped (about 75 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car yaw' got there, sonny?" The young man replies, "A Ferrari 550. It cost half a million dollars!" "That's a lot of money, "says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly. The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?" "No problem," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right...but I'll stick with my moped!" Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!!!! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped. Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari he gives it some more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. Whoooooosh! He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again. Astounded by the speed of this old guy he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later he sees the moped bearing down on him again. The Ferrari is flat out and there's nothing he can do. Suddenly the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear. The young man jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive!!! He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my God! Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man whispers with his dying breath, "Unhook...my suspenders from your side-view mirror.
Condom slogans 1) Cover your stump before you hump 2) Before you attack her, wrap your whacker 3) Don't be silly, protect your Willie 4) When in doubt shroud you spout 5) Don't be a loner, cover your boner 6) You can't go wrong, if you shield your dong 7) If your not going to sack it, go home and whack it 8) If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey 9) It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter 10) If you slip between her thighs, condomize 11) She won't get sick if you wrap your dick 12) If you go into heat, package your meat 13) While your undressing Venus, dress up your penis 14) When you take off her pants and blouse, suit up your mouse 15) Especially in December, gift wrap your member 16) Never ever deck her, with an unwrapped pecker 17) Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool 18) The right selection, is to protect your erection 19) Wrap it in foil, before you check her oil 20) A crank with armor, will never harm her 21) If you really love her, wear a cover 22) Don't make a mistake, cover your snake 23) Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener 24) If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket 25) No glove, no love 26) If you think she'll sigh, cover old one eye 27) Even If she's eager, protect her beaver 28) No one likes a horses ass, protect yourself at climax 29) Shield her from the hunt until you shoot her in the **** 30) Avoid a frown, contain your clown 31) Harness the pygmy man before entering the bearded clam 32) Constrain the little head before you stick it in the shed 33) Put a condom on your dink before you dart it in her sink 34) The weasel you must surround before you please her on the ground 35) Cloak the joker before you poke her 36) Encase that torch before you paint her porch 37) Cape your throbber before you bob her 38) After detection sheath your erection 39) Before you penetrate hide your magistrate 40) Don't surprise her plug your Geyser 41) Cover that lumber before you pump her 42) Protect her wrinkle before you sprinkle 43) She won't bristle if you wrap your whistle 44) House your noodle then release your strudel 45) Put your dog in the pound and make her yelp like a hound 46) Shelter your jerky then nab that turkey 47) Cage that snake then shake and bake 48) Cover your peter it will be much neater 49) Coat that Labrador then allow him to explore 50) It's always funky to cage your monkey 51) It won't be funny with a coatless dummy 52) It won't be fun with an unwrapped thumb 53) It's not much money to catch your honey 54) Don't be a fool cover your tool 55) Hood that match then scratch that thatch 56) Stitch that switch then itch her niche 57) Wrap that tool to catch the drool 58) It ain't no jibe to protect her hive 59) Contain that sputum before you use him 60) Restrain your log then plow her bog 61) Glove your pecker before you check her 62) Coat that slimmer before you prime her 63) Condomize then womanize (or sodomize) 64) Cover old pete then grind her meat 65) Guard your peter before you meet her 66) Check your list before you tryst 67) Wrap your bate before you mate 68) Can your worm before you squirm 69) Cover your pipe you dumb ass wipe 70) Contain your lizard then tickle her gizzard 71) Bag the mole then do her hole 72) Cuff your carrot before you share it 73) Jail your number then call the plumber 74) Cover your vein then drive her insane 75) Wrap that pickle then slip her a tickle 76) Protect your dink then fluff her mink 77) Restrain your lantern then stick it in her cavern 78) Hide ole harry then take her cherry 79) Wrap that spout then bore her out 80) Conceal your train don't cause her pain 81) Guard your bridge then do her ridge 82) Shroud your trout then make her shout 83) To make her squat like a turkey, cover your Jerky 84) Box your blister then poke her in the whiskers 85) Wrap your spout to catch the trout 86) Plug your funnel then enter the tunnel 87) Cover your steamer before you ream her 88) Protect that fish then dip it in the dish 89) Contain that bass for a swim in her glass 90) Be sure to wear it to feed her ferret 91) Clothe the boner before you hone her 92) Got no protection? Can't use your erection! 93) Cork your pump or you don't hump 94) No unwrapped stags get between my legs 95) Dress that erection to make a deflection 96) Contain that shanker before you spank her 97) Cap that seeder before you breed her 98) Stop the stream before you cream 99) Secure that ladder then drain your bladder 100) Protect your screw to catch that glue 101) Package your meat for a real neat treat 102) Holster your gun then shootings more fun 103) Canvas that trailer before you nail her 104) Garage the tractor then attack her 105) Net that grass hopper before you pop her 106) Sock that wanger before you bang her 107) Pen that rooster, she'll be much looser 108) Trim your hardwood then do her real good 109) Garnish your oak then give her a poke 110) Pouch your associate then go fornicate 111) Smother your affiliate before you ejaculate 112) Confine your fascinate before it regurgitates 113) Catch that goat before it bloats 114) Ensnare that barbarian then do her abdomen 115) Restrain your hammer then wam bam her 116) Prune that stalk then make her squawk 117) Wrap that rod then please her bod 118) Sheath that knife she ain't your wife 119) House that bottle then mash her throttle 120) Sash that hash then thrash that gash 121) Cover your diddle then fiddle her middle 122) Can your knob then throb her swab 123) Contain old Doug then clean her rug 124) Cover your limb before you swim 125) Retain your bailer then impail her 126) Rope your dope then make some soap 127) Net your salamander then make salad in her 128) Cap your flapper then sniff her snapper 129) Wrap that Steed then trample her weeds 130) Hat that chef then scramble her cleft 131) Cover your stone before you bone 132) House your hose then curl her toes 133) Saddle your penis then straddle her mean ass 134) Blanket your twitch then hump that ***** 135) Shield your rocks then pond her box 136) Cover old sly then do her dry 137) Wrap your rail then fill her pail 138) Glove your chimney before you come in me 139) If your nude tube your dude 140) Cloak your hitter then go split her 141) Wrap your nipper before you dip her 142) Can your spam then bam that mam 143) Corral your ram then slice her ham 144) Sheath your sliver then jab her liver 145) Twist your wick then stick that prick 146) Cover old Bart then dart her tart 147) Shed old spot then do her slot 148) Drawer your pip then split her lips 149) Contain that leach then mash her peach 150) Bag your elm then take the helm 151) Constrain your gem to catch the flem 152) Catch that head cheese or I won't spread these 153) Constrain that agate you ain't no ***got 154) Survey your land then plant her stand 155) Before you drive her protect that diver 156) Sack that slimy smelt then tan her beaver pelt 157) Wrap that stiffer then let him sniff her 158) Cover you post then slice her roast 159) Blanket old juicy then plug old loosey 160) Balloon your baboon the moon tune her poon 161) Contain that viper before you pipe her 162) Wrap your whopper, then go bop her 163) Protect your cock with the sock. 164) Slip it on before you slip it in. 165) Don't leave it to God, cover your rod. 164) Do a good deed, don't spill your seed. 165) Tub that sub then rub her hub 166) Wrap Mr. Clean then introduce her spleen 167) Dam your giver then fill her quiver
Did you hear about the blonde virgin who wasn't upset about losing her cherry? She figured she could always get a new one, since she still had the box it came in. What's the difference between a blonde and a washing machine? If you throw a load in a washing machine, it doesn't follow you around for 3 days. Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach? So her male would get delivered to the right box. Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper? So she could lip read. What do a blonde and an instant lottery ticket have in common? All you have to do is scratch the box to win.
What did the blonde's mother say when she asked if she could lick the bowl? "Just flush it like everybody else does." What does a blonde have in common with the United States Army? They're open to any man between the ages of eighteen and thirty-five. What do you call a group of blondes on roller skates? A mobile sperm bank. What do you call a blonde touching her toes? A brunette with bad breath. Why can't a blondes water ski? Because when they get wet between their legs, they end up on their back.
What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme? Humpme Dumpme. What is the difference between a blonde and the local football team? The blonde has the higher sperm count. Why is a blonde like a door knob? 'Cause everyone gets a turn. What's the difference between a blonde and the Atlantic Coast? The Atlantic Coast would never have that many crabs. What do blondes put behind their ears to attract men? Their ankles.
Two Farmers! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two Farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite Bar, drinking Beer. Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without and education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college, and sign up for some classes." Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave. The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic. "Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?" The Dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weed eater?" "Yeah." "Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard." "That's true, I do have a yard." "I'm not done," the Dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house." "Yes, I do have a house." "And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family." "I have a family." "I'm not done yet." Because you have a family, then logically you must have a Wife." "Yes, I do have a Wife." "And because you have a Wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual." "I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater." Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the Bar. He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic. "Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?" Jim says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weed eater?" "No." "Then you're a queer."
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man. The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'. "His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work." The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the agent said, "Watch this." He told Sniffer to "search". Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm. The agent said, "Good boy", and he turned to the man and said, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land. "Say, that's pretty neat," replied the first man. Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm. The agent said, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police." "I like it!" said his seat mate. The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to s**t all over the place. The first man was really grossed out by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the agent "What's going on?" The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb."
A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the extremely prim librarian, "Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?" To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says, "Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!
A Texas senior citizen drove his brand new F430 Spider out Of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 100 mph, Enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. 'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-45, pushing the pedal even More. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, Blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 120 mph, then 130, then 140. Suddenly he thought, 'What am I doing? I'm too old For this,' and pulled over to await the Trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the Ferrari, looked At his watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 20 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard Before, I'll let you go.' The old gentleman paused. Then said, 'Years ago, my wife ran off with A Texas State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.' 'Have a good day, Sir,' replied the Trooper.
A bear and a rabbit are enjoying a nice afternoon in the forest. The bear asks the Rabbit; Mr. Rabbit, sorry to ask such a silly question.....but do you have a problem with **** sticking to your fur? The rabbit answers; No Mr. Bear, my **** never sticks to my fur. So the Bear grabs the rabbit and wipes his ass with him.
An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office for his annual physical. After the physical, the Doctor asked him to get some sperm for testing.. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this home and bring back some semen tomorrow." The Old Man went home and tried with his right and left hand with no results. The Old man than called his wife in to help him. She tried and tried with the same results. The Wife then suggested they ask the Young/Pretty lady that lived next door. They both went next Door and asked the young girl, who said she would be happy to help. She also tried and tried with the same results. The next day the 85-year-old man went back to the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the young lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" to help you get Sperm. The old man replied, No we asked her to help us open the damn Jar. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open.
