What to do with my 14-year old daughter when I have her for the weekend......?

Here's my situation;

I have a 14-year old daughter who lives about 500 miles away from me. Currently, I fly in every 3rd weekend to spend the weekend with her. While there, her and I stay with my parents. Ever since she became a teenager, her interests are more towards hanging out with her friends. When we are together, she spends a lot of time listening to her I-Pod, and texting or IMing her friends. I told her that I don't want it to be a chore for her to spend time with me. I asked her to think of things she'd like to do together. When she told me she couldn't think of anything, I told her that we don't necessarily have to be doing something, but I would like to talk and share what is going on in her life, just be a part of her life. We do get into good conversations, however she will always reach a point in the conversation where she doesn't want to tak anymore, and then she just clams up. It can be a little frustrating.

Things that we still do often are going to the movies, and we always go out for dinner.

I have anticipated this time in her life for a while, knowing that teenage-hood changes kids. I knew the time would come where spending time with dad wasn't going to be as desirable as spending time with her friends. One thing I am probably going to end up doing is going from a 3-week gap to a 4-week gap.

I know many of you have probably been in similar situations. Any suggestions?

 

Fire up the Bong.

 

Lol lol lol!!

 

You have a tricky problem. 14 year olds really have little reason to be around "old people" unless you are buying them stuff or actively entertaining them some how. Movies and dinner are good choices but obviously not enough. Some "outside the box" thinking might be in order. Where does she live? Could she occasionally travel to your location? What are your common interests (if any)?

 

She's in Montreal.

She loves to go snowboarding, however my knee can't take that. In the summer, I used to love biking or rollerblading in Old Montreal, however she has no interest in that anymore. I used to like to take her to the Botanical Gardens, walk on Mount Royal, and just basically do things outside. She has no interest in any of those things anymore.

She comes down to visit us for 10 days every summer. We are on a lake, and have a ski boat, but she has little interest in that anymore either.

 

Take her to the zoo!

 

Maybe it would ease the awkwardness if she brought along one of her friends?

Neil

 

Used to do that. No interest in that anymore.

I am basically at the point where I accept she is showing typical teenage behavior and interests, and I don't expect to be able to change that. I guess I am just trying to get some input on how some of you may have dealt with a similar situation. It's hard to step back and accept seeing my daughter less, however as I said, I don't want it to feel like a chore or a punishment for her to see me.

I guess some things I wonder is if some of you did step back, and maybe allow your son/daughter to ask to see you rather than have a set schedule. Or did a reduction in the schedule make time together more desirable. Or, did you maintain a schedule against your teenagers will, and it ended up being better for the teenager.........stuff like that............

 

Sounds like a typical 14 year old. What about a camping trip? No cell phones or IMing. Bring a card game or Monopoly.

 

I'm a product of a divorced household where I would only see my dad once a month or so. It is hard to think back that far(even though I'm only 28, it seems like a lifetime ago).

I've actually always enjoyed spending time with my dad, even when I was a teen. Of course it is different being a guy because we shared a lot of similar interests. We enjoyed fishing, golf, cards, playing dominoes, etc. As bad as this is to say, I enjoyed visiting my dad because he was the polar opposite of my mother and stepdad. They were fairly strict and by the book where as my dad was very lenient and we would drink together(even when I was only 18..so going to visit dad and him letting me drink was a treat) and then go out to dinner and then back again for some cards or dominoes at night. We've also always shared a very similar humor...and we like to heckle one another so back and forth banter was always a good time.

One thing that always kept our relationship interesting is that my dad's brother died at 36 and left a son and a daughter(my cousins). I view the male cousin as a brother, and my dad views him as a son. We all 3 get together all of the time and really enjoy one another's company and I don't see this ending anytime soon.

So, I actually agree with the suggestion of letting her bring a friend maybe every other time. Yes, it will take away from your one on one time and catching up, but you can feed off of the conversation and energy that they create since they have a lot more in common than you and her do at this age.

And I know that I got caught up in the teenage life and then college, but it seems like once I reached about 22 my interests in family started to take hold again and now it is a very important aspect of my life.

 

This is tricky.

It is likely she will spend the whole week-end with ther head down in a prayerful posture. She will be texting. 14 year olds can do this for hours.

Don't take it as an insult, it is virtually genetic at this point.

What can you do?

See if a movie might catch her interest. Or maybe some outdoor activity, depending on the weather.

If she is 14 and does not have her permit yet, you'll be a real hero letting her drive around a parking lot or maybe country roads.

 

Dan....Welcome to the club! Chelsea (my 15 yr old) is similar to your daughter. Text-text-Text...Hang at Starbucks with their friends and do everything without adults around......Go to the mall and buy clothes! You will have to learn to live with this for 3-4 years! Is it fun? Not always, BUT Chelsea has no problem doing things with me that we did when she was younger, just don;t take all day to do it! Go to B&R for an ice cream....Hit the quarter car wash for a half an hour.....Take the dog for a walk....Lounge around and watch a favorite TV show.....Bake a batch of cookies, etc., etc. What all these things have in common is that the activities are no longer than an hour. Being cool with that, it allows me to spend time with her without being intrusive on the majority of the time that she allocates with her friends!

Maybe when you see her next, do a few 'quickie things' together while being cognisant of the time she wants to do her thing. Chelsea for example likes the fact that I'm there for her to cart her around, give her friends rides to and from the house and pop for things like pizza with her friends. Just remember that just because both of your priorities are different, it does not mean that she does not love you any less!

 

when you want your kid to hate you, go ahead.

Go to a theme park of some sort if she likes rollercoasters or so. That always works.

 

Don't have kids, but do associate with them. My friend's daughter (15 year old) likes to just talk to me because I treat her like a person and actually listen.

As a Dad, you probably can't quite do that - your daughter cares too much about you to just talk about WHATEVER is on her mind and without worrying about being judged.

But one thing maybe you can do is ask her what SHE would like to do. Let her know openly and honestly that you'd prefer the time spent together to be meaningful instead of frivolous.

Something I enjoy with my friend's children is letting THEM cook something with only enough guidance to keep them on track. Great way for them to explore/experiment and at the same time you can share in that sense of discovery.

 

How about snow tubing? It's not snowboarding, but it's outdoors and it's loads of fun. Take my family all the time.

How about video games? I play Rock Band with my family (wife and 2 daughters) all the time and it's a blast! In fact, we often have our nieces / nephews over (many in the same age as your daughter), and we all have a good time.

Try shopping at a mall...it's hell on you, but she'll love it. Daughters, like wives, love shoes - I'm sure she'd get a kick and a laugh out of it.

Go get a manicure or pedicure...don't laugh, it's a lot of fun and relaxing. Some places even provide refreshments.

Have any go-kart tracks or amusement parks by you? That's always a good time and you can spend a whole day doing that.

Take a photo album out and reminisce or talk about things when she (and you) were younger.

There's plenty to do, the challenge is finding something that both of you can enjoy together. At 14, I am sure she's more hard headed than you, so you'll likely have to bend a little.

I think you should be commended for asking this question. It shows that you care enough about her to make the time together special. To a child, that means a lot, even if she doesn't show it.

 

How about flying? You can get a discovery flight in a Cessna for not a lot, and it's something different. It's about an hour, tack in lunch at the airport diner and move on.

Is she an adrenaline junkie? Bungie Jumping/skydiving

 

Well since she likes snowboarding what about having her invite a few friends, you drive them up to St Saveur for night riding or Tremblant for a day trip. You may have to sit at the lodge or walk around the ski village while the girls do their runs. But if you spend a whole day with her friends (B/w the drive time and having lunch together) by the end of it have them come up with a new adventure for the whole crew the next time you visit in 4 weeks.

Also in the summer you can take her to track days in Tremblant Then next winter do an ice driving course since she'll have her learners and a little road driving experience.

 

I think a parent can step back, as long as there is still constant contact with the child, like living in the same house, on the same street etc. If you're going to make the move to a visit every 4 weeks, then stepping back in her life might equate to stepping out of her life. Perhaps if there were a lot of phone calls, even if they were 15 minutes in length, then the constant contact would be there. My sister basically ignored her parents for years while growing up except for cash when needed and presents on the holidays and she lived under the same roof with them.

I've "had it out" with my father a dozen times and cut off communication for a couple of years when I was 20. Since then we've rebuilt the relationship strictly as adults and we hardly ever mention my childhood, or the problems we had because we're at a stalemate. While you're not in that situation, you may be facing the same foundation for your future relationship when she becomes an adult. If you think she bad mouths you while you're away "what dad?" "we barely see each other" "he doesn't know who I am" "I bet he doesn't know my middle name" etc.. then you could be facing the Grand Canyon, with you on one side trying to build a bridge and her on the other not wanting to put posts in the ground. I've seen that a lot too, military dads, divorces, illness, work that pulls one parent from the home, there are many ways this can happen and a teenager won't want to resolve it, friends are the whole world to her and "repairing/ maintaining relationships" isn't a possibility for a 14 year old.

 

It is a cliche, but this is a very crucial time in her life where she can easily get in with the bad crowd. My stepdaughter is 21 and didn't have a very good relationship with her dad in those years. While I don't blame him entirely for the train wreck she is now, his attitude has always been that he didn't really value his relationship with her. Even though they saw each other regularly, the appearance that he could take a few weeks off from visitation (more Nascar races to go to!) IMO helped to damage her in some way. That he remarried and was raising three other kids didn't help either, but that is another story.

It leaves a hole in their life that they will fill with....something. It might be another good influence of a father figure if you are lucky, or maybe boyfriends who only want in their pants, or substance abuse. But rest assured it will be something.

When we adopted our little girl two years ago I vowed not to make the same mistakes I observed they had made with my SD. One thing I did was read this book, it definitely stresses the father/daughter relationship http://www.amazon.com/Strong-Fathers-Daughters-Secrets-Father/dp/159698012

 

That could be a tough one. I specifically remember around the age of 14 was when I hated my parents and wanted to rebel. I actually liked my dad more than my mom though for some reason. I think sometimes he used to take me shopping and I was okay with that. The good thing is that she won't be 14 forever.

 

I come from a divorced family as well and I used to see my dad once a month, now I see him twice a year. I think you should try adding her on msn or whatever instant messaging service she uses, chatting with my dad online really improved previously non-existent relationship with him.

Try taking her to eat at nice places or bring her shopping? I think what really matters is that you spend time with her and that you talk to her. She may not appreciate it or understand what you are doing now, but she will grow up and look back and realise that you really tried your best to be a good father. I don't think what you do with her is really important, I mean part of being a family is just generally doing nothing with each other all the time, like watching tv and other normal things like that. I remember resenting my dad's intrusions into my life because he always wanted to do something special when he visited me but all I really wanted to do was just play games on my computer.

Perhaps you should talk to your daughter and just let you know how much you care about her and love her and bring her to visit her relatives or grandparents. The bottom line is that she's 14 and she's probably not going to want to be around you too much though.

 

Rock Band or Guitar Hero is fun to do with teenagers. Also, the driving in a parking lot can be fun. Maybe ask her to have a friend over and cook up some fun food. A tandem bike ride (or a quad if they are available) is fun for an afternoon. Hanging out at a fair or the mall is fun so you can do some people watching / commenting. She is too young to be exposed to Lifetime or any of the endless downer entertainment venues for women. In the fall, I'd go to football games.
Maybe take her to a concert or just see some live music anywhere? Something related to her interests would be best.

If she is like one of the kids from "The Hills" then you better grow out your bangs and get some crappy jeans to be able to talk to her.
But don't really talk to her.
Just stare aimlessly and say things like
"Uh,"
"You know"
"It's like..."
"nobody cares, you know..."
Drink some Starbucks between each half sentence...
She will relate, like, totally, you know???

BT

 

Shopping.

 

IDK my BFF Jill.

 

Texting ...................... Texting?

I must be outta touch. I catch my son texting and his A$$ is Grass and I am the lawnmore.

Get her head into REAL LIFE.


Jeepers guys, it worked for us (real life) and we did not turn out so bad............................ it WILL WORK FOR THEM.

Lots of good ideas here (flying, scuba, etc.)