Joke.

I was a big fan of the Simpson’s, can you believe how long the show has been around? Everyone has their favorite characters, but mine is definately Homer. This guy says the funniest (and often completely true) things. Here is a list of the all time best Homer Simpson quotes ever.

1. Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose: it’s how drunk you get.
2. Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you’d step over your own mother just to Home Simpsonget one! But you can’t stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!
3. What’s the point of going out? We’re just going to wind up back here anyway.
4. I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me, Superman.
5. Fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug were the drugs.
6. Books are useless! I only ever read one book, “To Kill A Mockingbird,” and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin… but what good does that do me?
7. I hope I didn’t brain my damage.
8. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals… except the weasel.
9. Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
10. How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
11. Old people don’t need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.
12. Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that’s even remotely true!
13. How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Makes sound effects and laughs. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze.
14. You don’t like your job, you don’t strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.
15. Oh, I’m in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don’t have to listen to myself. I’m drunk.

 

Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. It was an interesting conversation.

* The first surgeon said, “I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered.”
* The second replied, “I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded.”
* The third added, “I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. you open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order.”
* The fourth one boasted, “I like to operate on lawyers. They’re heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable.”
* Fifth surgeon said, “I like Engineers. . . they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end…”

 

A professor at Auburn University is giving a seminar on the supernatural. Getting a feel for his students, he asks “How many of you believein ghosts?” About 80 of his students raise their hands.

“That’s a good start I suppose. Those of you who believe in ghosts, how many have actually seen a ghost?” About 30 students raise their hands.

“That’s good. I’m really glad you’re taking this seriously. Ok, has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?” About a dozen students raise their hands.

“That’s a great response. Has anyone ever touched a ghost?” Two students raise their hands. “That’s fantastic. But let me ask you one last question… have any of you ever made love to a ghost?”

One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He removes his glasses, takes a step back, and says, “Son, in all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever actually claimed to have slept with a ghost. Why don’t you come up here and tell us about it.”

The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says, “Well, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost.”

The student replies, “Ghost? Oh… I thought you said ‘goats’!”

 

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said "I am a Father."

The little boy replied "My Dad doesn't wear his collar like that."

The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many."

The boy said "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way"

The priest, getting impatient, said "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should use a condom and wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."

 

Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in Lynchburg, Virginia. After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.

At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.'

'I doubt it,' said the truly proud Redneck. 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'

 

Nice ones

 

You're An EXTREME Redneck When.....

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

;6. Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.......!'

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines. '

;11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.


17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk..

 

Surely that should be:

17. You think loading the dishwasher means giving your wife a root

Pete

 

Medical Crisis
>>
>>
>> An elderly man suffered a massive heart attack.
>>
>> The family drove wildly to get him to the emergency room.
>>
>> After what seemed like a very long wait, the ER Doctor appeared, wearing
>> his scrubs and a long face.
>>
>> Sadly, he said, "I'm afraid he is brain-dead, but his heart is still
>> beating."
>>
>> "Oh, Dear God," cried his wife, her hands clasped against her cheeks
>> with shock!
>>
>> "We've never had a Democrat in the family before!"

 

One day little Tommy was walking with an older neighborhood kid named Billy Bob and he got curious.

“Billy Bob,” Tommy asked, “How come everyone calls you by your first name and your middle name instead of just Billy?”

“Well,” Billy Bob answered, “When I was little like you, I used to get in trouble a lot, and when I did my mom always called me by both names. I guess after a while, it just stuck.”

“Oh no!” Tommy cried. “I’d better straighten up then!”

“Why’s that?” Billy Bob asked.

“I don’t want to end up being called ‘you little sh#!’ for the rest of my life!”

 

Man that strikes too close to home lol!

 

A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas.

He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!

The Madam is astonished. 'But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal.

The trucker replies, 'Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny . . . . . . I'm homesick!

 

Fantastic!!!

 

A cop pulls me over and asks "Sir have you been drinking?"

I said "Why, is there a fat girl in the back seat?"

ba dump bump










....Larry the Cable Guy

 

A Harley rider is passing the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly...

A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter says, "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life."

The biker replies, "Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right."

The reporter says, "Well, I'm a journalist from the New York Times, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living, and what political affiliation do you have?"

The biker replies, "I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican."

The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on front page:

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH !

 

HER DIARY:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; he said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior;

I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep -

I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.. My life is a disaster.



HIS DIARY:

Harley wouldn't start today can't figure it out, but at least I got laid.

 

LOL thats great!!

 

Nice one Chris! Too true!

 

Superb!

 

DER!!!

Heck a woman, especially the wife, starting the process ... heck of course we'll respond!

Hope he sorts the Harley out, would be difficult not being able to share time with something that he thought he understood ... LOL.
Pete

 

Yeah, the world would be a much happier place if women would figure this out. They don't need to spend two hours in front of the mirror getting ready...just do IT!

 

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth,

"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

 

+1000000000000

 

Funny! Reminds me... I took this two nights ago. Hmmmmm. =)
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A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune.

"One Marine is better than ten Taliban".

The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune where upon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes,
then silence.

The voice then calls out "One Marine is better than a hundred Taliban soldiers".

Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The Marine voice calls out, "One Marine is better than one thousand Taliban".

The enraged Taliban commander musters a thousand fighters and sends them over the dune. Cannon, rocket, and machine gun fire rings out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.

Finally one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, it's a trap. There's two of them".