My favorite ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ. These are absolutely hilarious ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney... Can I get a new attorney?
I thought I'd throw this out: My freind was summoned to serve on a jury, the trial was a lawsuit whereas a man was sueing Pepsi. He was seeking damages because when he was twelve years old he was hit by a pepsi truck rendering him gay. My friend didn't actually get selected so I don't know the outcome.
My two favorites. ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? Hahaha....the second one is what I would ask if a lawyer said that to me.
L-O-L at the last one: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No.... ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
All good! On a personal note - missus wax had a speeding ticket and had to appear, along with all the other speeders. No matter what the story or length thereof, hizzoner's response was always the same... "Can you pay today?"
I was in court a few years ago and this lady had written a bad check. The judge assesed the fine and would you believe she asked the judge if he would take a check. LOL
Without looking up from his desk he laughs and says, "you're kidding right?" the lady still didn't get it. I could tell she was pretty stupid.
I was in court to protest a traffic ticket. The case right before mine was a guy charged with resisting arrest and assaulting an Officer. Well, when he was called they actually had this guy locked in a closet in the back of the courtroom, he approached the judge, the judge read the charges and asked how he would like to plead. Of course he said "not guilty". Then the judge asked "how did your clothes get so torn up?" The defendant responded "The stupid cop did this when he caught me". Case closed.
These are classics. As a lawyer, once you've examined people in court you can read these and see exactly what the lawyer *meant* to ask, but it clearly came out as the wrong question (or something that could be understood two ways), which sets you up for a smartass answer. From most of these you can tell too that the lawyer was talking ahead of themselves and asking filler questions trying to think of the next question.
i was in court for a speeding ticket. i sat all morning listening to all of the lame excuses the other nitwits had. at the end of the day only the officer and i remained. when call up and asked how i pleaded i said, "your honor, after sitting here all day and listening to what you have had to hear on what i assume is a daily basis i throw myself on the strained mercy of the court." he smiled and dissmiised my charges.
Back in my former life in L.E., I was in court one day and this guy came in wearing Daisy duke shorts, construction boots and a handlebar mustache, with a newspaper tucked in his arm. I was certain he was going to be some kind of character. Anyway, he was charged with speeding. The Judge lets him explain what happened... and rather than discussing why he was or was not speeding, he opens up the newspaper and starts discussing a newspaper article on a string of robberies that occurred near a local shopping center. The prosecutor objects that this testimony is irrelevant, at which time the Defendant jumps up and says, of course it is relevant, Had the police been doing their job and watching this shopping center instead of pestering people with these stupid speeding tickets, maybe they would have caught these guys! The prosecutor, to his credit, started laughing his ass off, along with the Judge and the police officer. The prosecutor then moved to dismiss the case.
