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Top Gear JC best quotes

Discussion in 'Ferrari Discussion (not model specific)' started by Night life, Nov 3, 2009.

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  1. Night life

    Night life F1 Veteran
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    The city that rhymes with fun in Canada
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    Roberto
    #1 Night life, Nov 3, 2009
    25 Jeremy Clarkson Car Quotes



    “I’d like to consider Ferrari as a scaled down version of God.”



    [On the Porsche Boxster]

    “It couldn’t pull a greased stick out of a pig’s bottom.”



    [When driving the Mercedes SLR McLaren through a tunnel]

    “When they debate as to what the sound of the SLR engine was akin to, the British engineers from McLaren said it sounded like a Spitfire.

    But the German engineers from Mercedes said ‘Nein! Nein! Sounds like a Messerschmitt!’

    They were both wrong. It sounds like the God of Thunder, gargling with nails.”




    “I’m sorry, but having an Aston Martin DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch.

    If you’ve got even half a scrotum it’s not going to happen.”




    “Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary… that’s what gets you.”




    “Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable.

    More comfortable than what… being stabbed?”




    “Owning a TVR in the past was like owning a bear. I mean it was great, until it pulled your head off, which it would.”




    [On the Renault Clio V6]

    “I think the problem is that it’s French. It’s a surrendermonkey.”




    [On the Enzo Ferrari]

    “I rang up Jay Kay, who’s got one, and said: “Can we borrow yours?” and he said, “Yeah, if I can borrow your daughter, because it amounts to the same thing.”




    [On the Porsche Cayenne]

    “I’ve seen gangrenous wounds better looking than this!”




    “The air conditioning in Lamborghinis used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw.”




    “Whenever I’m suffering from insomnia, I just look at a picture of a Toyota Camry and I’m straight off.”




    “If you were to buy a BMW 6-series, I recommend you select reverse when leaving friends’ houses so they don’t see its backside.”




    “That [Pagani] Zonda, really! It’s like a lion in orange dungarees. Kind of fierce, but ridiculous all at the same time.”




    [On a Chevrolet Corvette]

    “The Americans lecture the world on democracy and then won’t let me turn the traction control off!”




    [On the Alfa Romeo Brera]

    “Think of it as Angelina Jolie. You’ve heard she’s mad and eats nothing but wallpaper paste.

    But you would, wouldn’t you?”



    “A turbo: exhaust gasses go into the turbocharger and spin it, witchcraft happens and you go faster.”




    “This is a Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that’s much to shout about. That’s like saying ‘Oh good, I’ve got syphilis, the best of the sexually transmitted diseases!’”




    “In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put it on sale, and then found out how it handled – usually when one of their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he was.”




    [On the Mercedes CLS55 AMG]

    “It sounds like Barry White eating wasps.”




    “I’d rather go to work on my hands and knees than drive there in a Ford Galaxy. Whoever designed the Ford Galaxy upholstery had a cauliflower fixation. I would rather have a vasectomy than buy a Ford Galaxy.”




    “Usually, a Range Rover would be beaten away from the lights by a diesel powered wheelbarrow.”



    “Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It’s like making a hardcore adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels.

    You’d just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke’s sweaty face.”




    “I don’t understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?”



    HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
     
  2. subirg

    subirg F1 Rookie

    Dec 19, 2003
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    #2 subirg, Nov 3, 2009
    Priceless! JC is a legend of the gob.
     
  3. ken qv

    ken qv Formula 3

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    #3 ken qv, Nov 3, 2009
    This is great....He is a showman.
     
  4. tundraphile

    tundraphile F1 Veteran

    May 16, 2007
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    #4 tundraphile, Nov 3, 2009
    The second to last one about the hotel porn has always been my favorite. You really have to see him do it on video to get the full effect.
     
  5. Far Out

    Far Out F1 Veteran

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    #5 Far Out, Nov 3, 2009
    A couple of these hang framed in the hallway of the Institute of Internal Combustion Engines at my university. When it comes to TV, the professor sure has taste ;)
     
  6. AceMaster

    AceMaster Three Time F1 World Champ

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    #6 AceMaster, Nov 3, 2009
    Is he officially the new "King of One-Liners"?? :)
     
  7. raptorduck

    raptorduck Formula 3

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    #7 raptorduck, Nov 3, 2009
    I just love that show. Best car show ever.
     
  8. ztunelover

    ztunelover Formula Junior

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    #8 ztunelover, Nov 3, 2009
    Awesome. nuff said. :D
     
  9. GrayTA

    GrayTA F1 World Champ
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    #9 GrayTA, Nov 3, 2009
    Thats awesome!!!


    PDG
     
  10. Asian1118

    Asian1118 F1 Rookie

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    #10 Asian1118, Nov 3, 2009
    Great list, thanks for sharing.

    I like the last one.
     
  11. J. Salmon

    J. Salmon F1 Rookie
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    #11 J. Salmon, Nov 3, 2009
    One of my personal faves (sorry if I get a word or two wrong):

    On the Caddy CTS-V:
    "It's like a Steven Seagal movie. Sure there are explosions and people getting kicked in the face, but it lacks the depth and character of a Terminator or Die Hard."
     
  12. HolyRoller

    HolyRoller Formula Junior

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    #12 HolyRoller, Nov 3, 2009
    Complaining about the civilizing influence of Audi on Lambo:

    "The only reason we ever liked Lamborghinis is because they were silly."

    But he warmed up to the LP640.

    "Now you might expect that this sort of power doesn't come cheap, and there is evidence to support that, if you look at the options list."

    Slagging on 911s as usual, this time about the instrument panel of an old one, he said something like:

    "If I had stuffed all the gauges and switches in my nose and mouth, and sneezed them out all over the dashboard, it could not be any more disorganized."

    Recent ep riding American muscle through America, noting that the Dodge dealer had not come through with the promised Challenger demo:

    "If this were a normal episode of Top Gear, we would just make one, out of leaves or something."

    A lot of their lines are even funnier if you write them down and read them.
     
  13. konatown

    konatown F1 Rookie

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    #13 konatown, Nov 4, 2009
    "Supercars are supposed to run over Arthur Scargill and then run over him again for good measure. They are designed to melt ice caps, kill the poor, poison the water table, destroy the ozone layer, decimate indigenous wildlife, recapture the Falkland Islands and turn the entire third world into a huge uninhabitable desert, all that before they nicked all the oil in the world"


    He's always got some gems in his Times Online articles as well
     
  14. zygomatic

    zygomatic F1 Veteran
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    #14 zygomatic, Nov 4, 2009
    On the Panamera:

    "It’s as ugly as an inside-out monkey."
     
  15. rudenoiz

    rudenoiz Rookie

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    #15 rudenoiz, Nov 4, 2009
    While he fumbles to get the fuel filler door open on the Lambo Gallardo, he reads a passage from the owners manual which is printed in Italian. He then provides an English translation;
    "We are useless Italians and have failed to build this properly"
     
  16. Jet-X

    Jet-X F1 Veteran

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    #16 Jet-X, Nov 4, 2009
    On the Jaguar XJR-15:

    "It's like being out on a date with Daryl Hannah, and finding out she's a vegetarian. This is the worst handling car ever."
     
  17. ztunelover

    ztunelover Formula Junior

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    #17 ztunelover, Nov 14, 2009
    On the Nissan 370z

    "This is a racing hen."

    God I laughed hard hearing that one for the first time.
     
  18. Fast_ian

    Fast_ian Two Time F1 World Champ

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    #18 Fast_ian, Nov 15, 2009
    :D

    From 2007, On America:

    He has a go at pretty much everyone in the article - Part of his take on Japan:

    The whole article: http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/driving/jeremy_clarkson/article2047749.ece

    JC is da man!
     
  19. Bullfighter

    Bullfighter Two Time F1 World Champ
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    #19 Bullfighter, Nov 15, 2009
  20. VIZSLA

    VIZSLA Four Time F1 World Champ
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    #20 VIZSLA, Nov 15, 2009
    The Oscar Wilde of our time.
    Minus the whole gay prison thing;)
     
  21. solowmodel

    solowmodel Formula Junior

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    #21 solowmodel, Nov 15, 2009
    New series starting tonight.
     
  22. Ferrarista3

    Ferrarista3 F1 Rookie

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    #22 Ferrarista3, Nov 15, 2009
    With nowhere to see it anymore :(
     
  23. the_stig

    the_stig F1 Rookie

    Sep 19, 2005
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    #23 the_stig, Nov 15, 2009
    You sure you didn't miss an episode?
     
  24. Bullfighter

    Bullfighter Two Time F1 World Champ
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    #24 Bullfighter, Nov 15, 2009
    As a paying BBCA subscriber, I'll look forward to seeing it six or eight months from now, in (badly) edited form.

    Pathetic...
     
  25. VIZSLA

    VIZSLA Four Time F1 World Champ
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    #25 VIZSLA, Nov 15, 2009
    More than one I'm sure.
    Now that you have my attention might you explain? :)
     
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