Top Gear JC best quotes

25 Jeremy Clarkson Car Quotes



“I’d like to consider Ferrari as a scaled down version of God.”



[On the Porsche Boxster]

“It couldn’t pull a greased stick out of a pig’s bottom.”



[When driving the Mercedes SLR McLaren through a tunnel]

“When they debate as to what the sound of the SLR engine was akin to, the British engineers from McLaren said it sounded like a Spitfire.

But the German engineers from Mercedes said ‘Nein! Nein! Sounds like a Messerschmitt!’

They were both wrong. It sounds like the God of Thunder, gargling with nails.”




“I’m sorry, but having an Aston Martin DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch.

If you’ve got even half a scrotum it’s not going to happen.”




“Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary… that’s what gets you.”




“Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable.

More comfortable than what… being stabbed?”




“Owning a TVR in the past was like owning a bear. I mean it was great, until it pulled your head off, which it would.”




[On the Renault Clio V6]

“I think the problem is that it’s French. It’s a surrendermonkey.”




[On the Enzo Ferrari]

“I rang up Jay Kay, who’s got one, and said: “Can we borrow yours?” and he said, “Yeah, if I can borrow your daughter, because it amounts to the same thing.”




[On the Porsche Cayenne]

“I’ve seen gangrenous wounds better looking than this!”




“The air conditioning in Lamborghinis used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw.”




“Whenever I’m suffering from insomnia, I just look at a picture of a Toyota Camry and I’m straight off.”




“If you were to buy a BMW 6-series, I recommend you select reverse when leaving friends’ houses so they don’t see its backside.”




“That [Pagani] Zonda, really! It’s like a lion in orange dungarees. Kind of fierce, but ridiculous all at the same time.”




[On a Chevrolet Corvette]

“The Americans lecture the world on democracy and then won’t let me turn the traction control off!”




[On the Alfa Romeo Brera]

“Think of it as Angelina Jolie. You’ve heard she’s mad and eats nothing but wallpaper paste.

But you would, wouldn’t you?”



“A turbo: exhaust gasses go into the turbocharger and spin it, witchcraft happens and you go faster.”




“This is a Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that’s much to shout about. That’s like saying ‘Oh good, I’ve got syphilis, the best of the sexually transmitted diseases!’”




“In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put it on sale, and then found out how it handled – usually when one of their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he was.”




[On the Mercedes CLS55 AMG]

“It sounds like Barry White eating wasps.”




“I’d rather go to work on my hands and knees than drive there in a Ford Galaxy. Whoever designed the Ford Galaxy upholstery had a cauliflower fixation. I would rather have a vasectomy than buy a Ford Galaxy.”




“Usually, a Range Rover would be beaten away from the lights by a diesel powered wheelbarrow.”



“Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It’s like making a hardcore adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels.

You’d just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke’s sweaty face.”




“I don’t understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?”



HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

 

Priceless! JC is a legend of the gob.

 

This is great....He is a showman.

 

The second to last one about the hotel porn has always been my favorite. You really have to see him do it on video to get the full effect.

 

A couple of these hang framed in the hallway of the Institute of Internal Combustion Engines at my university. When it comes to TV, the professor sure has taste

 

Is he officially the new "King of One-Liners"??

 

I just love that show. Best car show ever.

 

Awesome. nuff said.

 

Thats awesome!!!


PDG

 

Great list, thanks for sharing.

I like the last one.

 

One of my personal faves (sorry if I get a word or two wrong):

On the Caddy CTS-V:
"It's like a Steven Seagal movie. Sure there are explosions and people getting kicked in the face, but it lacks the depth and character of a Terminator or Die Hard."

 

Complaining about the civilizing influence of Audi on Lambo:

"The only reason we ever liked Lamborghinis is because they were silly."

But he warmed up to the LP640.

"Now you might expect that this sort of power doesn't come cheap, and there is evidence to support that, if you look at the options list."

Slagging on 911s as usual, this time about the instrument panel of an old one, he said something like:

"If I had stuffed all the gauges and switches in my nose and mouth, and sneezed them out all over the dashboard, it could not be any more disorganized."

Recent ep riding American muscle through America, noting that the Dodge dealer had not come through with the promised Challenger demo:

"If this were a normal episode of Top Gear, we would just make one, out of leaves or something."

A lot of their lines are even funnier if you write them down and read them.

 

"Supercars are supposed to run over Arthur Scargill and then run over him again for good measure. They are designed to melt ice caps, kill the poor, poison the water table, destroy the ozone layer, decimate indigenous wildlife, recapture the Falkland Islands and turn the entire third world into a huge uninhabitable desert, all that before they nicked all the oil in the world"


He's always got some gems in his Times Online articles as well

 

On the Panamera:

"It’s as ugly as an inside-out monkey."

 

While he fumbles to get the fuel filler door open on the Lambo Gallardo, he reads a passage from the owners manual which is printed in Italian. He then provides an English translation;
"We are useless Italians and have failed to build this properly"

 

On the Jaguar XJR-15:

"It's like being out on a date with Daryl Hannah, and finding out she's a vegetarian. This is the worst handling car ever."

 

On the Nissan 370z

"This is a racing hen."

God I laughed hard hearing that one for the first time.

 

From 2007, On America:

He has a go at pretty much everyone in the article - Part of his take on Japan:

The whole article: http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/driving/jeremy_clarkson/article2047749.ece

JC is da man!

 

Old one... on the Lincoln Town Car suspension.

"If you could imagine sharing a waterbed with a baboon that's been doused in itching powder..."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pjzpx_jUUA0

 

The Oscar Wilde of our time.
Minus the whole gay prison thing

 

New series starting tonight.

 

With nowhere to see it anymore

 

You sure you didn't miss an episode?

 

As a paying BBCA subscriber, I'll look forward to seeing it six or eight months from now, in (badly) edited form.

Pathetic...

 

More than one I'm sure.
Now that you have my attention might you explain?