I need opinions.....

Ok, here goes. I have a step daughter, and she is 24. She has been arrested twice for DUIs. The judge placed her in a program. They have been letting her out as of late on weekends.

2 weeks ago, I was out of town, as was my wife, so the only person at the house was my 25-year old step son. Last night, he tells me that she DROVE her car to our house from her dad's house, and she was wasted when she arrived. I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

Today, I decided to call the place where her program is taking place, and inform them of her latest actions. I mean, if she is putting on an act that she's doing well enough to be released on weekends, and the first thing she does is go and get wasted, AND gets behind the wheel again, there's obviously something very wrong.

My wife, who has been in Europe the past week, and will be for the next 2 weeks, calls me up today. I told her what was happening. She is now pissed at me for calling the place where her daughter is.

Was I wrong? Should I have not called? What do you guys think? What would you have done?

 

Driving drunk is the same as waving a loaded gun around people, or poking a bear....

Nothing bad may happen the first time, but pretty soon someones gonna die. I have zero respect for people that drive drunk.

You did the right thing.

 

Around here (BC), penalties for people caught with blood-alcohol level above 0.08 is face an immediate 90-day driving ban and related costs of $3,750.

Amount includes:
a fine
a driver's-licence reinstatement fee
the cost of a mandatory Responsible Driver Program
a towing and impoundment fee
and the cost of an ignition interlock device, which the offender must use for one year.

 

You did the "right" thing...But it would have been a better idea to talk with the wife first. Evidently if jail isnt enough to help her sober up, you may want to check out other options...

 

I went through something similar when my stepdaughter was living with us while she was 18-20. She also displayed many different forms of reckless and irresponsible behavior with drunk driving being one of the lesser issues. She is 22 now. In hindsight, I am convinced she is a sociopath given the way she deals with everyone around her, a cunning manipulator who only sees people for what they can give her. For better or worse, once my wife had had enough of her crap, my SD decided to "divorce" us. She hasn't talked to us for for more than a year, life is much simpler not knowing what she is up to these days.

One trait of people like this is that they talk a great game when confronted with their issues. I don't how many times I called my SD out and she would say all the right things to us, only to be making plans to just be more covert on her antics an hour later. Without knowing the situation, a red flag for you would be if she has been able to BS the counselors into letting her out, she is manipulating people that should know better.

There is no good answer if your wife will not back you up, and in fact is essentially condoning her behavior if she doesn't kick her daughter's *** for being so stupid. As you probably know, this is more of an issue now with your wife and you than your SD and you or your stepson and his sister. Family dynamics are so complex it is hard to say for sure but your wife needs to "man up" and confront her daughter on her behavior. Without your wife's complete support in pressuring your SD, any efforts on your part are useless.

If I had to guess I would say your wife has layers of lingering guilt over mistakes she perceives she made while raising her daughter (I assume divorced and doesn't get along with ex?). Basically she sees the addicted mess your SD is today and your wife thinks it reflects badly on herself as a mother. In her own way, the defense of her daughter now even when she has yet again broken the law, is a defensive mechanism of your wife's character not her daughter's.

This is sad because until your wife realizes this nothing will really change. Until your SD understands that the only outcome of her actions is either jail or death, she will never truly work to recover from her addiction, with her mother berating you it will only empower your SD to do this again.

Since you asked for opinions, what I would try to do is basically sit down as a family, all four of you (or five if ex is willing), and lay out the rules going forward. SD has to realize she is out of control and there is no solution other than for her to really change. If that means both households remove all alcohol so she doesn't have access to easy booze, it would be a small price for everyone. The keys to her car would also have to be kept secured, since she can't drive legally anyway she doesn't need them. Basically if she understands that both sides are united in their support for her recovery she might actually make progress.

Good luck with everything.

 

Excellent post, thanks!

Big problem is my wife's ex.....he's an ex-alcoholic, and believes that "kids raise themselves". All he cares is that his kids are happy, even if drinking and driving is what makes them happy. He's a complete moron.

 

Dan, you did the right thing.

This sounds like it will become an increasingly difficult time for your family, now that you're wife thinks you were wrong. From watching intervention and seeing other things in my life it sounds like your wife is in slight denial about her daughter. Mothers in denial tend to help drive a on-going problem.

Your step-daughter is in desperate need of help. The next question is where was she drinking? Was she drinking at her dads? If so, then maybe he needs some disciplining himself.

In this situation, thank God for your step-son who told you what was up, and for you doing what was right. This is your step-daughters life at stake and nothing should be taken lightly. You care.

I wish you my best Dan.

 

Thanks for the well wishes.

I don't know if my wife necessarily disagrees that I ratted my SD out, or if that's just her immediate reaction, which is one of protecting her own. My wife wants to believe that this program will change her daughter, and was worried that they would kick her out. I hope it will change her....only time will tell. I did call the center just to see what happened, and was told she is on lock-down for 30 days, and will be spoken to by the director. I can tell you that if I ever catch her having had a drink, the next call I make is to the cops to come and arrest her.

That is an excellent question - where was she drinking. I can tell you that her dad has been driving her car since she got her DUI, so she had to have gotten the car from him. Whether she drank at his place and then drove over to my place, or drank somewhere in between, I don't know. I wouldn't put it past him at all. He can never be counted on to do the right thing.

 

The irony of that unfortunate situation is that he should be the first person to recognize the problem and the most vocal about her not following down the path he chose. But that would be reasonable and mature, something apparently lacking with a few of these people.

If he is not supportive and your wife is enabling, you are in a difficult situation to say the least. Probably it cannot be fixed until the at least one of them pulls their head out. Perhaps in the future if you know for certain she is driving a discreet call to the police and another arrest for her would be the only thing that could wake all of them up.

Just don't ever tell your wife you had anything to do with it, her anger with herself and daughter would then likely be transferred onto you. The ends justify the means in this case, and she would be putting the lives of others in danger.

 

I can imagine that your wife is just under that much more stress being a world-a-way and that could have caused a more knee-jerk reaction.

Is this a sober-living type facility?

Ultimately she has to come to terms with why she is doing this to herself, in order to get better and change. Sometimes it takes someone else asking "that 1 question" that puts her brain into the right gear and the flood gates open up. I know this from experience.

 

I wouldn't say she got pissed at me, she just wanted to get off the phone, and not talk about it. Being a world's away certainly did not help the situation.

Yes, it is that type of facility, and is State-approved and is highly regarded. My understanding is they offer permanent living facilities once done with the program.

 

At least she's in a good, safe place. I hope everything works out for the best.

 

I agree with the others, I think you did the right thing. Normally I wouldn't condone ratting people out but when they are clearly a danger to themselves and to other people, something has to be done. Imagine if you had not turned her in and she wound up killing someone, now that would be something to feel guilty about.

 

You know you did the right thing.

Doesnt mean it is the easy thing !

 

+infinity and beyond

 

I've been through this with my sister, and it is extremely difficult. What you are implementing is tough love. Remember that women typically are going to respond more emotionally to crises, and she's just scared for her daughter's well-being. I'm sure this has been tormenting your wife for a long time, and she really wants it to go away. News of her daughter's relapse will naturally set her off to some degree. Be strong, and best of luck to you and your family.

 

You need to speak to AmmoMan.

 

+1, even though his username sounds a bit odd in this situation

Hope everything happens for the best

 

You did the right thing mate. It's no fun if anything happens to her, and you knew you could have prevented it if only you did the right thing.

Good luck.

 

Sorry to hear about this dilemma but one thing I know for sure is that if she is attending this program because it was simply ordered by the court or just her option to avoid jail time then it is doubtful that it will change her on a permanent basis. In all the years I worked in LE, I have never seen anyone successfully make a drastic lifestyle change that didn't first really want to change, second who had tremendous support and consequences from people who they respect/love and finally that everyone involved in her life agrees that the problem exists and they will all do what is necessary to help her work through it. I apologize for being pessimistic but I just honestly think if she has a significant person in her life IE(a father) that will condone her behavior then the chance of her making a permanent change is not good.

You did the right thing and your wife will realize it eventually because it is even more important to be part of the support and consequences group if her natural father is working against the progress she might have been making. Best of luck to you!