ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you ****ting me? _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney Can I get a new attorney? _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 pm. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? _____________________________________ And the best for last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law THINK ABOUT IT! MOST MEMBERS OF CONGRESS ARE LAWYERS.....
Judy Rudd, an amateur genealogy researcher in southern Queensland, was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that Prime Minister Kevin Rudds' great-great uncle, Remus Rudd, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Melbourne in 1889. Both Judy and Kevin Rudd share this common ancestor. The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows at the Melbourne Gaol: On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription: 'Remus Rudd horse thief, sent to Melbourne Gaol 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Melbourne-Geelong train six times. Caught by Victoria Police Force, convicted and hanged in 1889. So Judy recently e-mailed Prime Minister Rudd for information about their great-great uncle, Remus Rudd. Believe it or not, Kevin Rudd's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research: "Remus Rudd was famous in Victoria during the mid to late 1800s. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Melbourne-Geelong railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the Victoria Police Force. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honour when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed." Now that's real POLITICAL SPIN. Image Unavailable, Please Login
The only cow in a small town in Scotland stopped giving milk.. The town folk found they could buy a cow in Wales quite cheaply. They brought the cow from Wales and it was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy. They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed.. The people were very upset and decided to go the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward, they said, when he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side. "The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "did you by chance, buy this cow in Wales ?" The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Wales. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said "how did you know we got the cow from Wales ? "The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "my wife is from Wales "
Tax system explained in beer: Every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100 They decided to pay the bill by apportioning the total cost of all the drinks in the same way that we, in Oz, pay our taxes. This meant that: the first four men (the 'poorest') would pay nothing. the fifth man would pay $1. the sixth man would pay $3. the seventh man would pay $7. the eighth man would pay $12. the ninth man would pay $18. the tenth man (the richest) would pay $59. The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with this arrangement - until one day, the owner threw them a curve. "Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20. "Drinks for the ten of you will now cost just $80". The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes - so the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men? The paying customers? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his fair share?' They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer. So, the bar owner suggested a graduated price reduction based on what each man was currently paying, so that everyone would benefit. They all agreed that this was a good idea so he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay: the fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings). the sixth man now paid $2 instead of $3 (33% savings). the seventh man now paid $5 instead of $7 (28% savings). the eighth man now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings). the ninth man now paid $14 instead of $18 ( 22% savings).. the tenth man now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings). Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But once they got outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings.."I only got a dollar out of the $ 20,"declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man," but he got $10!" "Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a Dollar, too. It's unfair that he got ten times more than I did!" "That's true!!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get $10 back when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!" "Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison. "We didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!" The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up. The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill! And that, boys and girls, journalists and college professors, this is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.
apparently there's a test to work out who loves you more, your dog or your wife. you put them both in the boot of the car and drive around for an hour....then you open the boot and see which one is happier to see you.
I just received my final cheque from RACV (other driver's insurance company) for the damage to my old GT4. Not only was it $5k more than I expected, I got paid for being a witness for 4 days at my own court case! Bonus! I'd still rather have had the car though. Image Unavailable, Please Login Image Unavailable, Please Login Image Unavailable, Please Login
Sydney corporate high-flyer and one of the country's most prominent executives, David Jones' chief executive Mark Innes, has resigned following an incident involving a female staff member. Mr McInnes issued a statement in which he admitted behaving in "a manner unbecoming of the high standard expected of a chief executive officer to a female staff member". The incidents occurred at two recent company functions. "As a result of this conduct I have offered my resignation to the David Jones board and we have agreed on the mutual termination of my employment with the company, effective immediately," Mr McInnes said. "As a chief executive officer and as a person I have a responsibility to many, and today I formally acknowledge that I have committed serious errors of judgment and have inexcusably let down the female staff member. I have also let down my partner, my family, all my staff, the board and our shareholders. I apologise to everyone I have let down. " Mr McInnes's resignation is effective immediately and said he hoped this would "minimise the impact of my errors of judgment on all and on David Jones". He had been employed by the company for 13 years and led it for the past seven. "I would like to thank my colleagues for their support during my time with the company. I am very sorry to be leaving in these circumstances and wish all involved with David Jones continued success," Mr McInnes said. Mr McInnes said he would be overseas with his partner for " the foreseeable future". Source: smh.com.au Image Unavailable, Please Login
