Ha Ha nice
A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, 'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.' 'What do you mean?' said the pirate. 'Aye.. I feel fine.' 'What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.' 'We were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.' 'OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?' 'In another battle I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off and I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really.' 'Ok what about that eye patch?' 'Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them dropped poop in my eye.' 'You're kidding. You lost an eye from bird poop?' 'Well... It was my first day with the hook.'
Maria had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was very nervous. Her mother reassured her; 'Donna worry, Maria, Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll taka good care of you. Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta.' So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest.' 'Donna worry, Maria,' says the mother, 'all good men hava the hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll taka good care of you.' So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. 'Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!' 'Donna worry! All a the good men hava the hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll taka good care of you.' So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!' Her Mama frantically said, 'Staya here and stirra the pasta.'
Governors are jogging with their dogs along their respective local nature trails. A coyote jumps out and attacks dog. California: #1. Governor starts to intervene, reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop; the coyote is only doing what is natural. #2. He calls animal control. Animal control captures coyote and spends $200 testing it for diseases and $500 upon relocating it. #3. He calls veterinarian. Vet collects dead dog and spends $200 testing it for diseases. #4.. Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting bite wound bandaged. #5. Running trail gets shut down for 6 months while wildlife services conduct a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is clear of dangerous animals. #6. Governor spends $50,000 of state funds implementing a "coyote awareness" program for residents of the area. #7. State legislature spends $2 million investigating how to better handle rabies and how to possibly eradicate the disease. #8. Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack and for letting the Governor intervene. #9. Cost: $75,000 to train new security agent. #10. PETA protests the coyote relocation and files suit against the state. Texas: #1. Governor shoots coyote and keeps jogging. Governor has spent $0.50 on one .380 hollow point. Buzzards eat dead coyote.
The Gulf of Mexico Leak is getting me sick so I need some laughs... here goes.... At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?" "Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages." "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?" "Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster." "I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on with his eyebrow raised, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?" "Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
A friend of mine just started his own business, manufacturing landmines that look like prayer mats. It must be doing really well... he says Prophets are going through the roof.
ITALIAN NURSING HOME An Arabic family was considering putting their grandfather Abdullah, in a nursing home. All the Arabic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in an Italian home. After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa. 'How do you like it here?' asks the grandson. 'It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful says grandpa. 'We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone. ''Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents", Abduello says with a big smile. 'There's a musician here-- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'! ' There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'! ''There's a dentist here 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him Doctor?! 'And me -- I haven't had sex for 35 years... and they still call me 'The ****ing Arab'."
Another Gelsga burd was involved in a serious crash; there's blood everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the floor. Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed." Danielle: "Ok." Medic: "Ok the how many fingers am I putting up?" Danielle: "Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!"
A man and a woman who had never met before, but were married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly; he in the upper berth, she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, Ma'am. I'm so sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to to reach into the closet and get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend we're married." "Wow! Yes, that's a great idea," he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "Get your own f*ing blanket" After a moment of silence, he farted. The End
A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location. The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish... No questions asked or answers given! Have I made myself clear?! Do you understand?!" The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull. With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs... "Your badge, show him your BADGE!"
The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful and rich lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid a visit to the lawyer in his lavish skyscraper office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is well over two million dollars, you don't give a single penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?" The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that." "Secondly," says the lawyer, "did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?" The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology but is cut off again. "Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another who has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?" The humiliated United Way rep, now totally ashamed, says, "I'm so sorry I had no idea." Then the lawyer finally says, "So ... if I didn't give any money to any of them what makes you think I'd give any money to the United Way?"
This is such a great thread. I've been reading through the entire thing for the past few weeks. Great stuff everyone! What happened to everyone though?
Breaking News! Stephen Hawking just got his first erection! Yeah, his doctors disabled his pop-up blocker.
I've got some for you from my (just turned) 4 year old. What do you call a snail on a ship? A Snailer. What's a cows favorite pastime? They like to go to the mooooovies. Sorry. That's all I've got
