Advice needed from those with experience in complicated relationships

So I met this amazing girl. Healthy mentally, physically and spiritually. A perfect match - which has led to discussions of marriage. So far, we see eye to eye on everything. EVERYTHING.

Until now...

She keeps in touch with her ex-boyfriend who is not the best of specimens (abandoned her when he got her pregnant, then later got some other girl pregnant, and is now in prison). I thought this was strange, but that she might stop once our relationship grew stronger. NOPE. She keeps trying to become involved in his life & his family, and has stated that she will not stop under any circumstances. They write letters back & forth often. She sees it as a way to help him get his life back together, and wants her son to have contact with his biological.

This makes me sad because I am ready to "man up", take the kid as my own, and give everything I have to the relationship. However, I don't want this grey cloud looming in the background. It just seems like a wildcard to me. I would be making a ton of sacrifices to be a perfect dad, yet I feel she is allowing a third (very irresponsible) man to come in and undermine us, and pick from the fruit I would be working so hard to grow.

She thinks I am "worrying" and "shouldn't feel this way".

Am I foolish for thinking this whole situation is insane? Should I cash out my chips now?

Help!

 

Sounds pretty ridiculous to me. . . . .

Letters back and forth sounds like no big deal. But if it's more than that, then no thanks.

Every marriage should have compromises, but you're not married. Personally I would never get married to someone that I thought was somehow a compromise.

 

Get out while you still can. Seriously......she is not mentally and spiritually healthy based upon what I have just read.

 

Unless we are missing something here, a BIG +1 to this post.

 

Run! In the short term it may be difficult but in the long run you will look back and be glad you did. No matter what you do the baby daddy will always be in your life causing problems one way or another.

 

You can't save her. She just doesn't have it and will use you up.

 

This will always be a problem for these reasons:

1) He is the father, and nothing you can ever do will change that, as such will have a place in her heart and visiting your home.
2) Almost all girls, and obviously yours, like Bad Boys.
3) He won't stay in prison forever and she (with your money) will help him when he gets out.
4) 50% or more spouses end up in an affair at one time or another.

So, if you marry her, he comes along as a package that will always be there.

 

I should ad that whatever she says to you if you challenge her with the "I will leave you if you don't cut all contact with him" line will be a big lie on her part.

 

Just keep her at an arms length unless she totally dishes the jail bird. Sounds like she still has feelings for the guy. Once he's sprung from the joint she'll probably be banging him again. Don't be a sucker here as you will wind up hurt over this and it costing you. I'd be curious on the nature of the correspondence? Anyway you can find out?

 

Run.

There are plenty of "normal" women out there. No reason to settle and attempt to fix the unfixable.

Kai


Is it 2012 yet?

 

She is a wacko. I think she likes the bad boys AND wants to fix the old boyfriend. Run away!

 

Thank you all. The comments are worth their weight in Glasurit paint.

She offered to let me read all correspondence (which I hevn't got around to yet), which made me feel better initially. But even if the letters turned out to be decent (as "decent" as can be in this mess), as Innovativethinker stated... he will be out of prison eventually. Who really knows what happens then?

Where???

Had this been a divorce, I would be more understanding for some strange reason. Since this guy was nothing more than a sperm donor in reality, it's hard to swallo... I mean understand. It is beginning to seem like she still has feelings for him & just won't admit to it.

 

Nothing good will come of this, ever. Sadly, I would walk away. There is nothing mentally healthy about that. Wanting the kid to be a part of his father's life is one thing, all the peripheral is guaranteed to eventually blow up into something you won't want to deal with

 

It gets worse.

I remembered his name from an earlier discussion, so I Googled it tonight. He did something *I won't mention here*, chose to become a fugitive and was involved in a police standoff. When I asked her why her story didn't match the news, she said that the police reports were inaccurate. She refuses to consider that he may be feeding her a sack of bull**** with his Disneyfied version of the story.

I just can't win. You guys are spot on (sadly).................

 

I don't see any reason why her son needs to be in contact with a biological father like that. She should've cut off all ties from him a long time ago.

 

The whole "bad boy" thing is like a drug for some woman. She probably pictures straightening the guy out and living happily ever after, later and at some point with him. In the meantime she needs someone else to fill the role of Dad and provider. You could play along but as I said earlier keep it at arms length(live in two separate places) and don't allow it to be more than that. Probably best to keep looking in the meantime.

 

Been there, done that, crashed and burned. Run away while you still can.

 

Another vote for leave. I went through something similar in San Diego 30 years ago. A bad ex-BF who wouldn't get out of her life. She kept going back, then regretting it, then going back, then regretting it.

A strange mix of passive/aggressive and Munchhousen(sp?) proxy. They need to 'fix' something.

Say goodbye, if you want to hide the sausage, I guess that's no prob, but keep her out of your life long term.

 

nothing more needs to be said. It has all been said already. I've seen this happen many times, and I've even been victim to it. You may think you've found the perfect girl, but in reality, you haven't. Sorry. Run.

 

Time for you to go. Today would be good.

Expect her to continue to contact you, just like she has with the jailed ex. Old habits are hard to break.

She's either a fixer, wants to save all souls, or she's a collector, keeps old BFs on the hook one way or another. I'd be very surprised if she doesn't have a couple more old "friends" she keeps in contact with.

Ask yourself this, how many ex girlfriends do you keep in contact with who ARE NOT in jail. Answer, I would guess is none. IF she's still in contact with a jailed felon, imagine how many others she's hanging on to.

Run Forest, run.

D

 

Move along before she "pulls the goalie" and has your baby too.

 

There are normal women out there; those not involved with prisoned ex boyfriends.

The longer you stay, the harder it will be to leave.

If she insists on having a relationship with another man regardless of the intent and is unwilling to end it for you, she isn't really in a realtionship with you and really hasn't ever. Wait for the right one. It is worth the wait. Trust me, I know!

-Marc

 

did you find this (the relationship with old BF) out or did she informed you
if you found out instead of her telling you up front, I'd be very worried.

 

The motives are the hardest thing to determine. If she feels that the relationship between father and son is important, no matter how much of a loser the dad may be, on some level that might be understandable. But ultimately she has to realize that she cannot change the jailbird and only he can want to have a realtionship. She cannot "make it easy" for him to entice him to care about his child.

From the limited imformation you provided I would say she still has a thing for him, as he is an "unfinished project". Her dumped her after knocking her up, that is a big ego blow to many people and they have a much harder time letting the person go in that case.

Remain at your peril. I would just continue to date and use contraception. There is no hurry to marry or commit to her. If she pressures you, just let her know that what is holding you back is her pen pal in prison. I was/am a stepfather, and I can tell you the job sucks. You have no authority and all the responsibility. Especially when the dad is difficult.

If I found myself single today I wouldn't ever do it again unless the dad was completely out of the picture (as in dead).

 

+2 !!!!!
I watched an episode of Dr.Phil a few weeks back with basically the same situation and the woman was so blinded by her own self-serving agenda it made me,Phil and her current husband sick.

"self-serv·ing (slfsûrvng) adj.
1. Serving one's own interests, especially without concern for the needs or interests of others.
2. Exhibiting concern solely for one's own interests:"

We all have past baggage and I try not to judge people but in your case "RUN RUN RUN" and stop all contact and communication with her, she has made it blatantly apparent your feelings do not matter to her. I have to laugh at myself sometimes for still having not been married and with no children at 47yr's old and those are two items I have always wanted yet I know things in life either happen for a reason or you let them happen.

I live with dignity and self respect and if one does not have those they are in a bad place.

Good luck
GT

ps, On a lighter note just to add alittle lighthearted banter does she serve this?
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