Giving A Kidney? What a Position to be in...

My brother has been diagnosed with some form of cancer that is, apparently, in his Kidneys.

The details as sketchy, but as I understand it from my mother's email, some time, sooner rather than later, he may have to have both kidneys removed.

Without actually asking, the obvious point of the email was "Would you give your brother a kidney?"

I haven't written back yet, because I honestly don't know how to respond.

The easy answer, obviously, is "Sure. Why not?" But in the last 54 years, I've found that the easy answer isn't always the best answer, so I'm thinking about it before I respond.

First, I don't even know if we even have the same blood type, or if that even makes a difference.

Second, having just gone through the Gates of Hell, also known as passing a kidney stone, I don't know if it's a 'good' idea to just give away an internal organ.

So, I thought I'd throw it out there, and see if anyone here had any input. Thoughts?

Mike

ps I suppose that if I were to give up a kidney, I'd choose the one that produced the stone.

 

Sorry to hear about your brother

I suspect you'll have the same blood type but I don't think that's the determining factor in a match. A friend has just had a bone marrow transplant and none of his family matched...

That made me laugh (because I thought that very thing!)

 

Thanks for that.

He and I aren't close, and never have been. He's two years younger than me and has never really 'succeeded' in life. Spent a number of years in prison for various crimes committed, and is in many ways the complete opposite of me.

He is, by nature, a very violent person, and has been one of those 'bad' guys since he was about 11... always looking for, and finding, a fight to get into. Joined the Marines and was released from service after about a year for being too violent and unstable.

I'm not saying I wouldn't do it... particularly if it was a matter of life or death. And, I'm kind of feeling guilty because I'm having second thoughts.

This is turning out to be one of those 'weird' days...

Mike

 

Wow nice of you to think about giving your brother the bad kidney!!

It's easy for me to read this and give you the "PC" answer.....If it were my brother I'd give up a kidney no problem. I'd like to think if it came down to it and I was a match, that I really would do that for my brother.

It's not so easy I imagine to wrestle with the decision for real though!

I suppose it doesn't hurt to think about the possibilities, but really until you find out the whole story and then find out if you are even a match it's really a theoretical exercise.

Best of luck to you and your Brother. Hope it all works out well.

 

Wow. Sorry to hear about your brother. Really tough question. Even based on the limited amount of info you gave about your relationship, I think you have to be a ready and willing donor. Not just for him, but for your entire family.

 

Actually, he would be getting the one I KNOW doesn't have a stone!

Seriously though, I feel like I have to think about it now, because if and when the call comes (and I think it will), there may not be time to think about it then. So, although it seems theoretical at this point, I'm sure it really is.

Mike

 

Of course, you're right.

I guess more than the question of "Would I", I'm more curious about the after-effects of only having one kidney... I suppose that means no more all-weekend benders. (In Kuwait.. yeah, right!)

Would losing a kidney require a change in diet? Lifestyle? I honestly don't know.

Mike

 

Well I know you only need one to live. I'm sure docs will chime in. I cant imagine the feeling of needing to have to get a donated kidney. Must be really scary.

 

FWIW: http://www.umm.edu/transplant/kidney/qanda.htm

that's a real pickle, Mike. good luck with your decision; I have a similar relationship with my sister (though she's not an ex-con ), I'd have a tough time being convinced to do it.

 

in my opinion being family shouldn't have anything to do with it. Just because you're related doesn't earn him the right for a 'second chance' so to say. from little info we have, he seems like a person who you only know because he's your brother, otherwise you'd have 0 to do with him. think of him as that annoying classmate who was an utter dick. Now he's dieng and your former classmates ask you to give him a kidney...

it might seem cruel but if you don't care about him and he's a bad person....why should you?

 

Thanks, Chas...

From that site:

He's screwed.



Mike

 

First, sorry for your bro. I don't know what kind of cancer would take both kidneys, other than synchronous Renal Cell Carcinomas. And even then doctors try VERY hard to preserve any kidney tissue. That is very unusual but has happened.

In order to be a candidate for donation you have to have one basically perfect kidney to keep. The donated one has to be good of course, but may have so minor problems.

Having a history of kidney stones may very well disqualify you as a stone in a solitary kidney is a much, much bigger deal than in someone with 2 kidneys.

I don't do transplants nor participate in anyway and my info maybe outdated.

 

Mike, due to circumstances very similar to what you've described, I would have no problem refusing my brother a kidney - even if it was a life or death situation. Like Bas said, you only know him because you're related - and from what it sounds like, his new lease on life would be undeserved. I imagine his antics have caused you and your family much grief over the years - a new lease on life would only allow him to continue being ...himself. Besides, what if your wife or someone you love needs a kidney later on in life? If it's something you'd really do, save it for someone you love.

 

Thanks for the input, Dean... it is appreciated.

Like I said, the email from mom was sketchy at best...I'm sure I'll find out more this evening when I call.

Mike

 

Sorry to hear Mike.

And you're right, it IS a tough call.

As much as I love my Brother and get along with him, I would still be crapping myself if I were in the same situation.

But if it meant life or death, then of course I would do it.

Wish you all the best mate.

 

This, to me, is a very interesting twist.

I guess, to some, family is family, regardless of the past and present circumstances.

To others, it's less important.

Both points of view are valid.

Carbon, you're right his 'antics', as you so diplomatically put it, have caused much, much more than grief... it caused a split in the family that still exists today. In spite of the fact that he's my brother, he is the guy I most expected to see on "America's Most Wanted" at some point. His crimes were not just car theft or not paying for gas. He did some serious stuff, and got caught. And, after he got out, he did MORE serious stuff, and got caught again.

In so many ways, we could not be more different. We just happen to have the same mother and father.

Mike

 

Some people don't deserve a second chance. I'm not saying we all have the right to play God, but if you a chance to improve someone's life, shouldn't it be someone who hasn't made such a negative impact on so many lives?

 

I don't want to turn this into a soap opera.

But what if this new kidney actually gives him a new outlook on life?

I know what you're saying, but this may the "wake up call" he needs to make a better life for himself, his family and those around him.

 

The "what if" road is a dangerous one. What if, a year after giving his brother a kidney, he finds out his wife needs a kidney? What if a new lease on life makes his brother feel invincible, and he goes out and is even more violent than ever, then gets shot and killed a week later?

I understand a new kidney, thus a new lease on life, could be a wake-up call for Mike's brother. But change happens over time, not during an inpatient procedure. He won't come out of the anesthesia with a new attitude - just a new kidney.

 

Come on, Pap... you know how we thrive on Soap Operas!

Actually, to be fair, he hasn't been in trouble for the last five or so years. He falls under the 'Three Strikes' rule, and one more trip to the joint will be his last. Period.

He's working construction in Texas and Louisiana right now, really the first time he's had a 'steady' job ever. Whether all that would be considered turning his life around or not is speculative at best.

I guess my biggest concern, if I was eligible but refused, would be the fall out from other family members... in particular my mother.

Mike

 

Wish I could help...but unfortunately I only have 1 Kidney

Lost it at 6mos old due to Cancer (wilms tumor). I am lucky to be here!

If I had two...I would donate one to family or a good friend.

Not any easy decision, but what a gesture.

 

That's the answer! Have him commit a felony! Once in prison, he'll be put on the transplant list, and system (a/k/a, your taxes) will take care of everything.

Sorry to be so grim. I just don't see why you should be weighted with obligation simply because you're related to him.

 

You voted for Obama, didn't you.

I think the reason IS simply because I'm related to him.

Mike

 

Yes, understand ALL that....................but you just never know.

The same thing can be said for all those that donate organs to people who need them and are waiting years for transplants.

The majority of those could be good or bad people, ya just never know what kind of impact this can have on a person. Especially if they are on their death bed (not saying Mike's Brother is), I am sure a transplant would certainly change their outlook on life.

I could be wrong of course and I am just sharing my opinion. I don't believe in the "what if's" when it comes to anything else but life or death situations.

Good to hear he has actually doing a lot better for himself.

I hope one day I never have to make a decision to share an organ with my Brother...................while I am alive at least. They can take anything they want when I am dead.

 

LOL! I'm a cold-blooded capitalist! I voted for Haliburton!

Well that's not very much of a reason at all. I think I should be awarded The Purple Heart simply because I have an uncle who was once in the service; doesn't mean I'm gonna get it, and it definitely doesn't mean I deserve it.

You're supposed to love him because he's family? Well why didn't he love you and your family and change his ways years ago?