I just need to vent alittle aswell as get some opinions about what happened to me this past saturday so here it goes. I went to a friends familys ranch were his dad lives as we are also close and the friend I'm speaking of I have known since highschool and we have always been very close aswell. So anyway surprisingly he calls and says he will arive within the hour which was great and he will be with his sons and wife, excellent. So fast forwarding he and I go shooting with his two sons and then return to one of the houses on the property. His oldest son Breck (yep just like the shampoo) who is around 24-25 and was dishonorably discharged from the military and has been in rehab 2-3 times says to me out of the blue "So I hear you were a crackhead for about 2yrs" and I said "WTF is that supposed to mean?" It is not the first time he was a smarta$$ too me as he has a chip on his shoulder but then I became the bad guy for telling him that was very inappropriate and out of line but he and his dad were just all "It was a joke"! I do not consider that to be a joke or find any humor in it but my buddy went ballistic and told me to leave you MF!! Should I let it go and call him or did he show his true colors and should I end the friendship?
It looks like there is some tension between the father and son and you might have been caught in the crossfire. I'd attempt to have a discreet "problem-solving-approach" conversation with your friend (no judgements, let him talk). You probably could have shrugged off the inappropriate comment from the kid (consider the source). Some people are screwed up and the only way they know how to feel better is to try dragging others down to their level. It looks like it might be a good idea to avoid the dirtbag son when possible.
So, they accuse you of something false and later claim it is a joke. When you object to it he calls you a MF and tells you to leave? If this is isolated I might chalk it up, but if the guy has a habit of this kind of thing I'd distance myself. Seems like since they're inviting you to their place they think that they can subject you to some abuse and you're supposed to just take it. Personally I wouldn't tolerate it and why not ask for an apology? If you're ready to dump them why not in so many words get them to apologize for their bad behavior and see how they handle it?
Just dump the so called friend. Nobody worth your friendship will invite you to their property, make stupid remarks and then tell you to leave cursing. Apparently they have some issues of their own. Don't make a scene simply cut him loose.
My buddy and I have always been forthright and 100% honest with each other and I thought that was one of the true foundations of our friendship and I still believe that. I can also see him wanting to protect his 'flock' no matter how screwed up they are (his wife is no cake walk either) but I have always been called out when I did the same thing and I think that is healthy. It was a very unexpected outcome and has never happened before and was something that was totally unexpected from my friend. I do not care for his son Breck simply because of how he acts and I think he is alittle jealous of me for some reason. Yes there is some tension between father and son for the son's actions and history and I honestly do not think his father approves but he is an enabler. Knowing my friend I do not think asking for an apology would be productive simply because I do not want to loose his friendship nor his fathers so I'm thinking about calling him to just say hello and see where that takes us. I have been thru hell and highwater with him and hate too think something like this could eliminate all chances of us sitting around bs'ing about life in 20-30yrs.
Good idea, don't have too high an expectation. You might consider apologizing for even responding to Breck's comment (I know it's not your fault but sometimes it helps to accept some). It looks like your reaction was what triggered the drama. Breck is an idiot, they do uncouth things, plan accordingly.
Well I just called my friend and I left a voicemail and I did apologize for how things turned out but I did not apologize for my actions yet I did mention that I hope our friendship was not tainted. Heavy is the burden of being a bigger person so I guess I'll see if he calls back but if not I'm ok with that simply because I know the issue was not my fault.
Even though you've known a friend since high school, people can still change over the years, heck, sometimes people change over night.
From a perspective of self-respect, he asked you to leave, which is unforgivably bad manners. Some lines, once crossed, cannot be uncrossed. If you go back, it tells him his behaviour was ok, and that this is an uneven relationship, with him having some sort of superior position over you. Respect yourself. Don't go back. It's over. His son made a stupid joke. It was your mistake to not take it in the spirit it was intended. So what? Two wrongs don't make a right. He could just as easily have let it slide too. He escalated it to an unrecoverable point by asking you to leave. You don't need friends like that, no matter what you have shared in the past. He is a poor friend, or he just momentarily lost it. You don't want a poor friend, nor do you want one so lacking in judgment that when it comes to critical moments, he can lose his ability to reason. Either way, learn your lesson and move on. It's not your fault.
I believe I did also and I normally get his voicemail since he spends most of his days on a tractor clearing property for resale. I appreciate all the advice and for simply just letting me vent alittle so thanks too everyone. I doubt I ever will. Sorry but from where I come from one does not make sure idiotic comments especially when they are not your friend and just because he is my friends son does not automatically make him my friend especially when he is an adult. I called him on it and he got all defensive and then let his daddy fend for him, whats up with that? Where is the second wrong? Do you want someone who knows not a daym thing about you saying you have been a crackhead for two years, I doubt it. I know it's not my fault and I think your right I'll just put it behind me and move on.
The second (and much greater) wrong was on your friend's part. The first part was possibly a wrong on your part. Normally, I don't like political correctness, and I welcome/encourage off-colour/bizarre jokes about taboo subjects, unless they are from someone I don't like. Someone I don't know, ie. I am neutral towards...I would look on it as an attempt at friendliness ie. they are breaking down the barriers and reducing the formality level a notch or two. So, I would have just laughed and parried back with an even more outrageous comment...--but that's me. I have offended plenty of people with things I have said, when it was never my intention to offend, merely to make a light joke and establish camaraderie. I also don't like "uptight" people, and although I apologize quickly if I offend someone, I then steer clear of them going forward--obviously it's a personality mismatch. That said, I wasn't there, and if you don't give off the vibe of someone who would take a job like that too well in that setting, then the son should have had the social grace to pick up on that and not make the joke. It's amazing how powerful context is. Either he is an idiot for not picking up on it, or he lacks manners, or he just made a mistake. Your mistake was (possibly) in not allowing for it to be a mistake. A gentle "I don't joke about things like that" would have worked, without escalating the situation like your "calling him on it" did. If I read it right, his grandfather and father were there. Being put on the spot in front of his whole family like that...of course the family would rally around him, especially if they thought you were being needlessly sensitive. From their perspective, it was a bad joke, and he is allowed to make bad jokes, no big deal. From your perspective, he wasn't. Most neutral bystanders can see both perspectives, but surely you can understand the defensiveness, especially if the family felt your strong reaction was unwarranted. If you are that close to the father, they probably felt a certain closeness to you, but it seems you did not share that feeling. Still, no matter how it started, kicking someone out of your house is unforgivably rude, and the same as kicking them out of your life. I would not go back, not if they begged me for the rest of their lives. Maybe it's cultural, but some things you just don't do. Why couldn't the other family members have played peacemaker? If they valued your friendship, they would have.
I think if someone asked if I had been a crack head I'd be laughing so hard I'd pee me pants! Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
It was major suckage and really tear's my heart out, I have tried on three occasions to call him since then but have never recieved a reply, life goes on. He told me a few years back that I was really the only true friend he could trust and appreciated me helping his dad out on the ranch.
The son is a doosh and the dad likely enables his behavior. Your buddy knows his offspring has turned out to be an embarrassment, but when you called him out on his comment your buddy's enabling protective feelings kicked in and you suddenly became the bad guy in the situation. Addicts or otherwise toxic people are masters at manipulation and making things other people's fault. They train those close to them to unwittingly support them even when they are wrong. I doubt your buddy is a bad guy but may not realize his behavior and it is unlikely to change with respect to his son. So if possible just avoid both of them if the son is around. One on one your friend would probably be fine. I wouldn't insist on an apology from either, you won't get one.
Yep we are fine one on one and have the best times hanging out and I think I have previously mentioned that I apologized to him after the fact and did not ask his son for one either just an explanation. I ended up taking the 'bigger person' approach, so maybe he just holds senseless grudges longer than I do? Life is just to short for such behavior imo so if space is what he wants that is what he will get, my life will go on regardless.
Don't really understand why you had to be so uptight to begin with, it was just a joke, his background notwithstanding. I don't like it when people make things sacred for no reason. And in the overall scheme of things, if you don't have an addiction problem, drugs don't really figure compared to child porn, religion, grandparents/family, etc.--all of which people joke about and anyone with a healthy sense of humor can laugh about. So, you were needlessly anal. That said, kicking a guest out of your house is beyond unforgivable. I would not have made the three calls. Have some self-respect, and consider it a lesson learned. Next time someone says you are their best friend, it might be another jerkwad who could just as easily kick you out of their house. Talk is cheap, and his offence was the far greater one. But you screwed up by calling him back. You wrote earlier that it was his loss. Why are you acting like it's yours? It's your gain. You learned what he was really like. Don't forget that, or you will be forced to learn it at an even greater cost.
I guess that is the difference between you and I and you know nothing of the dynamic. If you called me a crackhead to my face with out knowing me personaly I would call you out aswell and even if you were a friend I would politely ask you not to do that anymore. You ever heard about respecting someone and their wishes? I guess you do not have any really close friends then or you would understand. I offered an Olive Branch via my calls because I'm a bigger person than that, my ego does not effect my common sense or rational thinking but maybe it is different in Cyprus?? This thread will NOT become a pissing match between you and I either.
No pissing match. To clarify some items you raised: 1. I don't live in Cyprus anymore. Split my time between France, California. 2. I choose my friends wisely, and not one of them has ever kicked me out of their house. If they did, the friendship would cease. I respect myself too much to ever approach someone like that again. 3. It's not about being big. I am plenty magnanimous, I can assure you, and my friends will be the first to tell you that I always give more than I take. Like you, I do more for them and their parents than they do for me, and sadly, they can't do jack for my parents since my folks do not travel with me and are on a different continent. I do know that if I was here, I would not hesitate to ask my true friends to help me if I needed something. They have always come through in the past, and I feel they always will. That's what friendship is about, as you know. 4. I think you should read some books on relationship dynamics. You are a nice guy, but you let yourself be taken advantage of, and justify it to yourself as being nice. It's not. Look for other ways to resolve the same situation. There's a huge chasm between what you are doing and being a hardass. It does not have to be one or the other. Plenty of diplomatic ways to resolve it that leave your pride intact. Being big does not mean having to swallow pride. Indeed, in a "real" relationship, pride does not even enter the equation. Both parties are committed and happy to do what it takes to keep it going. What you have described is you being a pushover and needy, and them walking all over you, and by calling him back, you are continuing this. Surely if he valued the friendship, he would call you back too? In fact, he would call first and apologize. He didn't, and you can't seem to read the lessons inherent in this. Instead, you are reading into it what you want it to be (you being the bigger man). That is simply an incorrect read. 5. About respecting other people...see, again your perspective is skewed. Respect comes from within. If you respected yourself enough, you would be secure in running with the joke. It seems to indicate something else deeper within you that is an issue. Resolve that, and the rest of this mess will fall into place. You are addressing symptoms right now, not the problem. You can fix the symptoms (no more jokes about drugs, no more kicking people out, no more ignoring each other, etc.) but the problem will remain (uneven respect). Resolve that (from within) and all these issues will cease to exist. Your friendship bonds will be stronger because you have a stronger personality, and people will respect you, and these kinds of unpleasant situations will melt away. Again, not about me vs. you, but I would NEVER allow myself to be in a situation where somebody would kick me out over a disagreement over a joke. Simply because I know what kinds of jokes I make, and if they can't take it, one of the required foundations for a solid friendship would be missing so we would never get to that level of friendship. In a similar vein, if drug humor is so deplorable to you, you should be able to state it and have a true friend respect it, and if someone does not respect it, then you should not entertain the notion that they could be a true friend. See what I mean? Another example: you said I don't have any real friends. If I was insecure, I would rise to the challenge and get hot under the collar and cite all sorts of examples of true friendships that I am at the center of. Being secure in oneself, however, means not taking the bait. It's sort of like "I know what I know, and what do I care whether you are on the same wavelength or not" except I do care to the extent that I want you to see my perspective, but not to the extent that I want to prove you wrong or get into an argument. You allowed the relationship to go where you didn't like it to be at. That's because you did not read your friend's personality and relationship dynamics properly. That was a mistake and it hurt you badly. You are a nice guy--respect that. Don't make yourself vulnerable again in the same manner. Next time this guy will do something even more outrageous, and why wouldn't he? You are showing him that you can forgive this, he will figure you can forgive even worse deeds. Not sure if you will get my logic, but that's the best explanation I can give. Maybe take some time out and build your own confidence more...rock climbing, training for something, some sustained team effort, travel by yourself in some challenging countries...something like that? You will come out of it stronger and more sure of yourself and what you will tolerate and not tolerate, and that will manifest itself in how you conduct yourself and your interactions with others. Right now, there is a conflict between what you say you cannot tolerate (that type of humor, the disrespect of being thrown out of his house), and what you actually do tolerate (your repeated attempts to reestablish contact show you are willing to forgive/tolerate it). You can consider all of the above to be worth EXACTLY what you paid for it.
