Aussie joke thread

or the baseball "world" series

 

A traffic policeman pulled a car over on a lonely road and approached the blonde woman driver.
"Miss," said the copper, "why are you weaving all over the road?"
"Oh officer," screamed the blonde, "Thank goodness you are here. I almost had a terrible accident! swerving to avoid a tree, I looked up to find another tree in front of me, so I pulled the car to the right and, yet again, there was another tree in front of me!"
The policeman nodded and pointed at the blonde's rear view mirror.
"Miss," said the cop, "That's your f****** air freshener!"

 

A rather attractive woman goes up to a bar in a quiet country pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over to her immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.
"Are you the manager?" she asks softly stroking his face with both her hands.
"Actually, no." says the barman.
"Can you get him for me please - I need to speak to him." She asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid the manager is off sick, " breathes the barman, obviously aroused, "Is there anything I can do for you?"
"Well, as a matter of fact there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently, "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room!"

 

A crusty drill sergeant in the army lines up all his soldiers at the end of the day.

''Smith,'' the sergeant calls to one of the soldiers in his command, ''I didn't see you at camouflage practice today!''

Smith replies, ''Thank you, sir!''

 

How many fatalities?

https://www.youtube.com/embed/oFkw5JFOmHk

 

Did you film this on GG2012?

**************

That Ambo Driver did a good job at the start. All downhill from there though.

 

"My what big eyes you have, Mr Wolf!" said Little Red Riding Hood.
The wolf jumped up and ran away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again. This time he was crouched behind a tree stump.
"My, what big ears you have Mr Wolf!" said Little Red Riding Hood.
Again the wolf jumped up and ran away.
Some distance down the track, Little Red Riding Hood again encountered the wolf, this time crouched behind a road sign.
"My what big teeth you have, Mr Wolf!" taunted Little Red Riding Hood.
With that, the Big Bad Wolf jumped up and screamed, "Will you F*** off! I'm trying to take a sh*t!"

 

It's Official, BlackBerry Mobiles cures Blindness.

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When I was in India recently I saw a sign that said "English speaking taxi driver" I thought what a brilliant idea why don't we have them in Australia?

 

hahahahahaha

 

Is this a repost?

I would like to share an experience with you all about drinking
and driving.

As you well know some of us have been known to have had rare
brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd
social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago I was out for a few drinks, with some
friends and had a few too many beers and some shots.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit I did
something I've never done before???? I took a bus home.

Sure enough, I passed a DUI checkpoint, but because it was a bus,
they just waved it through.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise,
as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it!

 

A drunk is sitting in a bar totally pissed. He asks the barman where the bathroom is. The bartender told him to go down the hall and make a right.
Two minutes later! everybody in the bar hears a loud scream and wonders what is going on in the bathroom. A few minutes go by and again everybody at the bar hears another loud scream come out of the bathroom again.
This time the bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about.
He opened the door and asked the drunk, "What's all the screaming about in here pal? You are scaring all my customers away."
"I'm sorry," said the drunk, "but when I'm sitting on the toilet, every time I flush the toilet, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."
With that the bartender opens the door and looks in and says, "No wonder, your sitting on the mop bucket you imbecile!"

 

Wes Wes Wes, that joke is older than PP

 

I hadn't heard it...............






















and besides, I have a new funnier, and faster one coming next week.

 

*groan*

 

Echo, echo, echo.......

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What is the difference between an illegal immigrant and E.T.?

E.T. eventually went home!

 

A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Gillard fans.

Not really knowing what a Gillard fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.

The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different - again !!

Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not a Gillard fan."

The teacher asked, "Why aren't you a fan of Gillard?"

Johnny said, "Because I'm a Liberal."

The teacher asked him why he's a Liberal.

Little Johnny answered, "Well, my Mum's a Liberal and my Dad's a Liberal, so I'm a Liberal."

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "If your Mum was a moron and your Dad was an idiot, what would that make you ?"

With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, "That would make me a Gillard fan."

 

I'm beginning to understand.

 

Can anyone guess what I did today? Here's a hint.
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I'd be surprised.

 

Yes you would.

 

fed some seagulls ??

 

went swimming....how much of a hint do you need?

 

Is that Jonathan Livingstone and his family in the foreground of the pic.