Aussie joke thread

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs him that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.
Dad orders the biggest, strongest drink for the boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swooop! A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent, then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father shocked, begs the son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!" The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swooop! Two arms pop out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!" The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swooop! Two legs pop out.
The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks god.
The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.. then to the right.. right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, "that boy should have quit while he was a head."

 

That's it!

You're off the GG invitee list.

We can't have jokes as bad as that spoiling our fun.

 

Well you should take a walk -from Retro 2013
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Olio

 

Robot Secretary


Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techo-geek.

"Hey, bud, how are ya?"

"I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!"

"Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!

"No way, how could that be?"

"Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex, too!"

"Holy ****! You're kidding, right?"

"No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her"

So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!"

The guy says, "****! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!"

 

I feel sorry for the skinny kids!
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Am I mean? This just makes me think birds are really stupid.

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MN8JYhByVYg]This film should be seen by the entire world ! - YouTube[/ame]

 

just about as stupid as humans who kill themselves with Maccas and KFC

 

ummmm

nonsensical, again.

 

it's called the Pacific Gyre - millions of tons of plastic floating in the mid Pacific, most of it dumped by the emerging nations on the Pacific rim. Unfixable, not than anyone cares enough to even try.

 

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_5_DuZ8WuMM]Crows using traffic to crack walnut - YouTube[/ame]

 

ahhh...thanks KIAI.

Of course, I'm too self absorbed to care.

 

The IRISH 000 CALL

An Irish woman is cleaning her husband’s rifle and accidentally shoots him. She immediately dials 000.

Irish woman: ''It's my fooken husband! I've accidentally shot him, I've fooken killed him!''

Operator: ''Please calm down Mam. Can you first make sure he is actually dead!''

*click* .. *BANG*

Irish woman: ''Okay, I've done dat.................... What's next?''

 

Mrs Brown?

 

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Looks like this Daytona was delivered with the optional sat nav system.
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Jewish Sex in Australia

A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding meets with their rabbi for counseling.

The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave.

The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception. But, we'd like your permission to dance together, like the rest of the world."

"Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest. Men and women always dance separately."

"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"

"No," answered the rabbi "It's forbidden."

"Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"

"Of course!" replies the rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah a good thing within marriage, to have children!"

"What about different positions?" asks the man

"No problem," says the rabbi "It's a mitzvah!"

"Woman on top?" the man asks.

"Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah!"

"Doggy style?"

"Sure! Another mitzvah!"

"On the kitchen table?"

"Yes, yes! A mitzvah!"

"Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"

"You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!"

"Can we do it standing up?"

"No." says the rabbi."

"Why not?" asks the man.






"Could lead to dancing!"

 

Sounds like the GG.

 

OLIO

 

Which one are you?

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No Shyte Sherlock.

 

Hmmm, I don't see the resemblance

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Aussie students were out in force at DUB air terminal two nights ago - some of the calls coming over the pa for people to meet up at the gate leaving for MEL were " would Mr A. Herrick - Hunt please report to the Emirates ground staff!
About five minutes latter " would passenger Peter Vial please make himself known to security staff as soon as possible

 

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OLIO
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