Aussie joke thread

haha nice switch, but we all know you and Methusulah were brothers

 

My budgie broke his leg yesterday so I made him a little splint out of a couple of redhead matches.


His little face lit up when he tried to walk........unfortunately,I had forgotten to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.

 

"koala bear"

 

Kate and Will with their boy George.
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Fixed x GG

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=vrFz_05KOpE#

 

I was shopping at Bunning's Hardware the other day when I bumped into the
Legendary Entertainer Rolf Harris. I was so excited I said to him,"I
remember you doing Two Little Boys in 1970". He said .....**** off!... that
was Gary Glitter.

 

More like Gary Gutter.

 

Q. What do you call an Arabian window cleaner ?

A Sheik me chamois !!! (Shammy for those who can't spell )





Bahahahahaha

 

Err Steve,
time for bed methinks......faaaaaar tooooo many Guinesses under the belt.

 

Alcohol free tonight honest ! One more joke n then I'm off to bed

Paddy goes for an interview on a building site as a handyman .the interview proceeds as follows.

Foreman, Paddy you're here applying for the handyman position,now tell me can you bricklay?
Paddy, No
Foreman, Can you paint?
Paddy, No
Foreman, Are you any good at plumbing ?
Paddy, No
Foreman, Carpentry ?
Paddy , No
Foreman, Electrical ?
Paddy, No Sorry
Foreman, Jesus Paddy you applied for a job as a handyman what the hells so handy about you?


Paddy, I live next door

 

You're better when you're pissed....off you go then.

 

I found out that if the grind is right, 40ml of coffee should take about 25 seconds to make.

I've been playing all day with my machine to get that right and I have to say it made a massive difference to the taste.

Thought you'd all like to know

 

Westpac online banking has been down for at least 2 days. WTF????

Maybe Wes is in charge of the website.

 

Something new for conspiracy theorists. Anyone heard of this before?

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IqATQtwOY34]"Chemtrails" ? How They Affect You and What You Can Do - YouTube[/ame]

 

A tourist arrived in New Zealand, hired a car and set off for the mountains. On his way he saw a bloke having sex with a sheep. Deeply horrified, he pulled up at the nearest pub and ordered a straight Scotch. Just as he was about to throw it back, he saw a bloke with one leg masturbating furiously at the bar. "For ****'s sake!" the bloke cried "what the hell's going on here? I've been here one hour and I've seen a bloke shagging a sheep, and now some bloke's wanking himself off in the bar!" "Fair dinkum, mate" the bartender told him "you can't expect a man with only one leg to catch a sheep!"


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk 2

 

Poor Brett.

 

Yeah I've heard of it, it's another plaything for the looney fringe, like many of the ideas perpetrated by idle baby boomers looking for a new cause, trying to re-live the glory days of the 60's when their life had meaning......
I think that most of these people smoked way too much dope when they were young.

M

 

Thanks for reminding me....I want to try smoking a joint.

 

Pass to all 50 years and older & anyone else who could benefit from

Cardiovascular Exercise


The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into our daily routine. This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health and maintain muscle mass.

If you're over 50, you might want to take it easy at first, then do more repetitions as you become more proficient and build stamina. Warning: It may be too strenuous for some.


Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!



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That's enough for the first day. Great job.
Have a glass of wine.

 

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1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:

A. Lovemaking.

B. Screwing.

C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.


2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:

A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.

B. Your blood-test results.

C. Five tequila slammers.


3. You always time your orgasm so that:

A. Your partner climaxes first.

B. You both climax simultaneously.

C. You don't miss Footie on sky sports.


4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

A. Healthy, creative love-play.

B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.

C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out about.


5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:

A. The best part of the experience.

B. The second best part of the experience.

C. $100 extra.


6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:

A. Of no influence on your affection for her.

B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.

C. A conservative estimate.


7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:

A. A myth.

B. An oxymoron.

C. A moron.


8. Foreplay is to sex as:

A. An appetizer is to an entree.

B. Primer is to paint.

C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.


9. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.

B. Is uptight and a waste of time.

C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.


Evaluating Results:

If you answered A more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really ARE a man.

If you answered B more than 7 times, check into therapy. You're a little confused.

If you answered C more than 7 times, you're a healthy average male.

 

FWIW - I answered all the Questions correctly.


via rubber ducky

 

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Careful everyone!!

Jokes on a car forum are deeply politically incorrect

Liberal candidate Kevin Baker stands down over offensive website

Seriously, I used the mini-mods forum all the time. It was a pretty bland forum full of bits about minis! They must have had to trawl pretty hard through the forum to find three posts from 5 years ago that are "offensive". Pretty sad, really. I know the guy who was the candidate and hosted the forum.

God help anyone from the aussie section of fchat who ever tries to run for office!! This site is a thousand times more politically incorrect than mini-mods (and long may it continue)