In a Chinese restaurant and a duck comes up with a red rose and says: "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds." ...... "Waiter, I asked for AROMATIC duck."
Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee, and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out." "Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!" "Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all." "Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old. "No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock -- no problem at all." "So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?" "No, I have one every morning at 6:30." Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?" "I don't wake up until about 7:30am."
I'm so funny. Dad Jokes The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death. A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.... I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!! My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web. I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over. I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move. I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown. Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy. My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes. Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador .Bugger that says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?" Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!" I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest p* nis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg!" I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse. My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet. I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified. A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair. I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening. The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back. They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & the Beanstalk' in Birmingham, Bristol, Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester, Luton and London. Apparently the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen. When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldnt feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing! Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter, who has stabbed six people in the a--e in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern. Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it! A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked." Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.
This made me LOL LiveLeak.com - 22yr Army Vet. tour guide (Yeoman)at the Tower of London (very funny)
he is pretty funny for an Irishman slagging off every nation bar his own bunch of drunks. His William Wallace anecdote was very amusing as well as his boogey man story for the kiddies
Speaking of which, what about that moron slagging off Webber?? Poor guy can't accept that Webber's there and being paid millions and he's not!!
