Aussie joke thread

An Italian woman was leaving a convenience store with her espresso when she noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery:
A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian woman walking a dog on a leash.
Behind her, a short distance back were about 200 women walking single file.
The woman couldn’t stand the curiosity.
She respectfully approached the Italian woman walking the dog and said:
“I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?”
“My husband’s.”
” What happened to him?”
“He yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed him.”
She inquired further. “But who is in the second hearse?”
The Italian woman answered.
“My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her.”
A very poignant and touching moment of Italian sisterhood and silence passed between the two women…
“Can I borrow the dog?”

The woman replied, “Get in line.”

 

I don't get it

 

So I heard

 

How's the head ?

S told N you were grumpy

I said "what's new ?"

 

Better looking than yours

 

You could still be really ugly and meet that criteria.

 

That is not possible

 

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Grumpy Receptionist

Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam. Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.

The waiting room was filled with patients.

As I approached the receptionist’s desk, I noticed that she was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.

I gave her my name, and in a very loud voice, she said,

OH YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE. YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man. But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,

NO, I’VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON’T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.

The room erupted in applause!

 

Yeah

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I don't see the problem.

This is an actual extract from a sex education school textbook for
girls, printed in the early 60's in the UK. So goodnight don't have nightmares

When retiring to the bedroom, prepare yourself for bed as promptly as
possible. Whilst feminine hygiene is of the utmost importance, your
tired husband does not want to queue for the bathroom, as he would have to do for his train. But remember to look your best when going to bed. Try to achieve a look that is welcoming without being obvious. If you need to apply face-cream or hair-rollers wait until he is asleep as this can be shocking to a man last thing at night.

When it comes to the possibility of intimate relations with your
husband it is important to remember your marriage vows and in particular your commitment to obey him. If he feels that he needs to sleep immediately then so be it. In all things be led by your husband's wishes; do not pressure him in any way to stimulate intimacy. Should your husband suggest congress then agree humbly all the while being mindful that a man's satisfaction is more important than a woman's. When he reaches his moment of fulfilment a small moan from yourself is encouraging to him and quite sufficient to indicate any enjoyment that you may have had.

Should your husband suggest any of the more unusual practices be
obedient and uncomplaining but register any reluctance by remaining silent. It is likely that your husband will then fall promptly asleep so adjust your clothing, freshen up and apply your night-time face and hair care products. You may then set the alarm so that you can arise shortly before him in the morning. This will enable you to have his morning cup of tea ready when he awakes.

 

Spot on!!

 

So, what's the bed like in the dog house ?

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Those were the days...

 

Were?

 

And people wonder why Womens Lib became a thing... Interesting how things changed. We still had “Mothercraft” classes when I was in high school - I was a conscientious objector, unsurprisingly!

 

Know your place, woman!

 

I do! It’s wherever I happen to choose on the day. Right now, it’s plopped in my armchair in a pool of nice warm sun...

 

Geezus doesn’t anyone work around here?...

 

In a word?

 

I'm bloody working!

 

Fixed

 

Aren't they forced to offer these courses to gender-fluid milk-sop sons of leftie parents who are both academics in the arts faculty?

 

Did they have electricity ?

 

I enjoyed the course .... it's how I ended up as a mother******

 

Gold!!