This is pretty funny..... AUSTRALIA AND AUSTRALIANS The following has been written by the late Douglas Adams of "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" fame. "Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount of the bottom half of the planet. It is recognisable from orbit because of many unusual features, including what at first looks like an enormous bite taken out of its southern edge; a wall of sheer cliffs which plunge into the girting sea. Geologists assure us that this is simply an accident of geomorphology, but they still call it the "Great Australian Bight", proving that not only are they covering up a more frightening theory but they can't spell either. The first of the confusing things about Australia is the status of the place. Where other landmasses and sovereign lands are classified as continent, island or country, Australia is considered all three. Typically, it is unique in this. The second confusing thing about Australia is the animals. They can be divided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd, and Sheep. It is true that of the 10 most poisonous arachnids on the planet, Australia has 9 of them. Actually, it would be more accurate to say that of the 9 most poisonous arachnids, Australia has all of them. Any visitors should be careful to check inside boots (before putting them on), under toilet seats (before sitting down) and generally everywhere else. A stick is very useful for this task. The last confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants. A short history: Sometime around 40,000 years ago some people arrived in boats from the north. They ate all the available food, and a lot of them died. The ones who survived learned respect for the balance of nature, man's proper place in the scheme of things, and spiders. They settled in and spent a lot of the intervening time making up strange stories. They also discovered a stick that kept coming back. Then, around 200 years ago, Europeans arrived in boats from the north. More accurately, European convicts were sent, with a few deranged people in charge. They tried to plant their crops in autumn (failing to take account of the reversal of the seasons), ate all their food, and a lot of them died. About then the sheep arrived, and have been treasured ever since. It is interesting to note here that the Europeans always consider themselves vastly superior to any other race they encounter, since they can lie, cheat, steal and litigate (marks of a civilised culture they say), whereas all the Aboriginals can do is happily survive being left in the middle of a vast red-hot desert - equipped with a stick. Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans on 'extended holiday' and became Australians. The changes are subtle, but deep, caused by the mind-stretching expanses of nothingness and eerie quiet, where a person can sit perfectly still and look deep inside themselves to the core of their essence, their reasons for being, and the necessity of checking inside their boots every morning for fatal surprises. They also picked up the most finely tuned sense of irony in the world, and the Aboriginal gift for making up stories. Be warned. There is also the matter of the beaches. Australian beaches are simply the nicest and best in the world, although anyone actually venturing into the sea will have to contend with sharks, stinging jellyfish, stonefish (a fish which sits on the bottom of the sea, pretends to be a rock and has venomous barbs sticking out of its back that will kill just from the pain) and surfboarders. However, watching a beach sunset is worth the risk. As a result of all this hardship, dirt, thirst and wombats, you would expect Australians to be a sour lot. Instead, they are genial, jolly, cheerful and always willing to share a kind word with a stranger. Faced with insurmountable odds and impossible problems, they smile disarmingly and look for a stick. Major engineering feats have been performed with sheets of corrugated iron, string and mud. Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the 'Grass is greener on the other side of the fence' syndrome, and roundly proclaim that Australia is, in fact, the other side of that fence. They call the land "Oz" or "Godzone" (a verbal contraction of "God's Own Country"). The irritating thing about this is... they may be right. TIPS TO SURVIVING AUSTRALIA Don't ever put your hand down a hole for any reason - WHATSOEVER. The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong you think it is. Always carry a stick. Air-conditioning is imperative. Do not attempt to use Australian slang unless you are a trained linguist and extremely good in a fist fight. Wear thick socks. Take good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works when there are people nearby. If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of water with you at all times, or you will die. And don't forget a stick. Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there is always a core of truth that it is unwise to ignore. HOW TO IDENTIFY AUSTRALIANS They pronounce Melbourne as "Mel-bin". They think it makes perfect sense to decorate highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep. They think "Woolloomooloo" is a perfectly reasonable name for a place, that "Wagga Wagga" can be abbreviated to "Wagga", but "Woy Woy" can't be called "Woy". Their hamburgers will contain beetroot. Apparently it's a must-have. How else do you get a stain on your shirt? They don't think it's summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle. They believe that all train timetables are works of fiction. And they all carry a stick.. Image Unavailable, Please Login Image Unavailable, Please Login For the pedants, this was written by Jeremy Lee, but credited to Douglas Adams of whom he was a huge fan. And, imho, he has done exceptionally well at imitating his style.
Botany Bay natives replied that they could and would accept Visa, Mastercard or what ever they dreamed up in the next two hundred years.
Petrol? Only if it was AVGAS for their flying sticks - other stuff that they want to sell to Bently owners wouldn't get witcheries tribe to the next pub.
Wondering why you can't get a copper to show up to anything? The Commissioner decreed intakes of new recruits must be at least 50% female - dropped the entry standards to accommodate and has had to cancel multiple intakes. I hear up to 2000 suitable males got knocked back because of this.
The ignorance of a YES voter working in a public hospital in Melbourne ,living in a $5 million dollar Kew home ,never been to FNQ or an Aboriginal outer area and 20 years in Australia, The Yes vote gives them a say We don't know the full details It's a humanitarian issue Its a one page POEM the Voice from the heart and NOthing else Oh and Labor have rushed this through in order for it to fail as a vote It will cost us a little Never heard of ATSIC or how it worked We have all been brainwashed by the Govts Unaware Torres Straight people and the Aboriginals dislike each other as working groups Jacinta Price is dumb and did NOT listen to her address last week Never heard of Linda Burney! When she said its been rushed through.I said all the more reason to vote NO Asked me what my family background was -I called her a racist In the end told her she is happy in her safe life,and all she wants to do is Argue and bicker .
A good mate has been trying to become a cop the last few years and he was finally accepted into the QLD Police Academy for 2024. Another friend who is a copper was telling me about the “quota” they have to employ more female police officers which is what is driving all the blokes out of the police force he said. There is a lot of violence out here in the Communities and he said there is nothing worse than rocking up to a domestic violence dispute with 3x lady cops who can’t help. He’s ready to toss the job in and get into mining because he doesn’t enjoy the job anymore and it’s not worth doing for the money he is being paid without the support they need in certain circumstances out here.
I assumed you were arrested for abusing your elderly yes voting neighbor. Sent from my iPhone using FerrariChat
She was younger than me -Anyway Fark 'em their fair game, lack of knowledge so many dumb people out there. FFS never heard of ATSIC/ADC or Linda Burney . Forgot to mention she had NO idea of the difference between an Aboriginal and a Torres Straight person ..................Spare "The Statement from the heart " is a POEM. Another Biscotti eater !
Absolutely true! My son is a Detective up in Central Queensland and he says it is just getting worse. Many of the major stations have 30 - 40 vacancies that can't be filled. And the staff on the road are bogged down in DV's and juvenile crime.
Ah, the ABC. But they’re not biased. Honest! Interesting that their viewers appear to want diversity of views. Pity the (taxpayer funded) organisation itself doesn’t. Image Unavailable, Please Login Image Unavailable, Please Login
