Zen's World: The Message A First Contact Story CHAPTER ONE The Launch 02/07/2074 03:00:00Z (20:00 Z-7) Ellie sits in the sleek maglev shuttle from Long Beach to the Catalina Spaceport, grinning like a kid on her first roller coaster. I’m going to space! She marvels at the cabin interior covered in view screens. It’s like riding in an underwater glass train! As the car clears the murky, industrial waters of the port, the view outside the submerged tunnel suddenly opens into the deep, dark blue of the San Pedro Channel. Above, a cluster of brilliant spotlights cuts through the darkness, revealing the immense, dark hull of an outbound cargo freighter. A team of tugboats guides the hulk towards an unknown destination. The sheer scale of it, even from this distance, is breathtaking. The miracle of modern technology, she thinks. This is ultra-first class. She chuckles to herself, thinking about where she was this morning. I woke up in a mud hut covered in green clay goop wearing nothing but a loincloth, and here I am, on my way to space, all clean and fresh in my fancy dress. A dress she’d grabbed in the Rio airport during a short layover. The view is so different from her last six months in the Amazon that she doesn’t notice the man sitting beside her is already speaking. She turns to look at him and hears only, “Blah blah, bla, blah?” Ellie laughs out loud and realizes she’s been thinking in the native dialect of an uncontacted tribe. “Excuse me?” “Hey gorgeous… I saw you in the terminal and figured I should introduce myself.” He bats his eyes. “Marcus.” Ellie suddenly remembers how modern men act and says, “That sounds a lot like stalking.” Marcus responds, “Let me guess, you’re a dancer for the Bolshoy?” Ellie laughs, thinking again about washing her only pair of pants in the river just that morning. She says, “Yeah, close.” She muses to herself, My ten year grant extension for one year offworld made me want to dance, so ya, a dancer. “You might have seen me in Ocean’s 77 or Sands of Mars,” Marcus adds, watching for a reaction. “I was in both.” Marcus waits, as if expecting applause. “Impressed?” She easily reads his intentions. “That’s nice,” she says smoothly. Marcus asks, “Where are you headed?” The hair on the back of Ellie’s neck stands up at the thought that he might be an EC agent, probing for information. She has been warned not to discuss any aspect of her contract. The briefing officer’s voice echoes in her head: They will test you. They will probe. Be polite, be vague, be forgettable. She could respond, “That’s classified,” but that would reveal too much. Instead, she just turns it on him. “Where are YOU headed?” Marcus reacts, and Ellie thinks, He’s suddenly unsure. Just another narcissistic predator trying to score? Ugh. Ellie jams it home and says, “I see. You’re on a classified mission. What’s the nature of your command? Are you TKA?” Marcus is confused and babbles uncontrollably. Ellie keeps it going. “Ah, TKA on a secret mission and you’re not in command. What’s the nature of your classified work?” His jaw works, then he chuckles. “I’ll let you wonder what you’re missing. Enjoy your trip.” He retreats behind her. Ellie smiles to herself and goes back to staring at the amazing view. Full manuscript: https://zens-world.com/downloads/the_message_draft.pdf
I would work on descriptions. The phrases the sheer scale is breathtaking and the view is amazing doesn't really describe anything and is a little bland. I would actually offer a description that leads us to the conclusion that the sheer scale is breathtaking. You also tell us a lot about what the character's motivations and intentions are. A bit too much hand holding. If you just describe what is happening in a little more nuanced detail then we can likely figure out the intentions. Also, I could be wrong but the tense or whatever its called does not seem correct. I think it should be Ellie smiled to herself and went back to staring at the amazing view. The way its written is like its present tense. I would recommend reading a ton of Steinbeck and Faulkner. Karl Ove Knausgaard is a modern author who can describe eating a carrot and make it seem interesting. They say if you want to write you got to read.
@3POINT8 - While I agree that my writings will never win a Pulitzer or be outlined in creative writing class, I think that expending impressive words to describe eating a carrot wastes the reader's time and effort. If the story is about eating a carrot, then sure. But if eating a carrot is just a means to an end, then why not just eat the damn carrot and get it over with? My mother, a professional journalist, would review my English essays full of flowery nonsense and say, "Big words waste space. Rewrite it."
I completely agree. Less is more. That is why I referenced Steinbeck and Faulkner. They do not use flowery language often but they say a lot with a little. The descriptions they do use or the details they do offer really get to the point. The carrot example was just an example to indicate how impressed I was with Knausguard's writing style.
Here's my cover. Image Unavailable, Please Login Signup page: https://zens-world.com/the_message_signup.html
Its very dry. That doesnt mean it needs more and/or bigger words, but what words are used are just not flowing like a melody. And thats what separates the real writers from the rest. The choice of words. Dialogue is stilted and doesnt feels more like exposition than real people talking. In a novel, dialogue should immediately identify a characters personality so going forward you have that shorthand. Its not bad but I wouldnt call it professional level writing.
I think it all boils down to individual preferences. I've read Faulkner and his ilk and to me, I get to that melody and I just shut the book. Thick paragraphs full of flowery descriptive words just waste space and time. I see those dense paragraph and I want to skip them. Perhaps that's from 50 years of reading newspapers but that's the style I prefer. Primarily, I am a storyteller. Not everyone is going to like my stories, but I think many who gets to the last page will enjoy my creation. Thanks for taking the time to respond.
I think you missed where I said "That doesnt mean it needs more and/or bigger words, but what words are used are just not flowing like a melody." Same amount of words, just better choices of words.
I didn't find the excerpt very engaging, I wouldn't read past the excerpt, let alone to the finish. Some things that were offputting in the excerpt: - Use of present tense vs the more traditional past tense. I find the choice interesting as you see yourself as a storyteller, but stories are typically told in the past tense. - Your dialog isn't very engaging and doesn't convey enough of the character's personality. If I don't find the main character interesting after 2-3 pages, then I likely won't go past those pages. - You've explained why you prefer less description, but descriptions aren't just wasted words. Descriptions can also substitute as the first impressions we get when we see someone. That gives us an expectation of how the person should naturally behave or what is in vs out of character. Descriptions can also be a way for authors to guide the user's expectations or redirect them. It's a part of setting the scene. Your avoidance of descriptions tends to leave the scene colorless. - Unexplained acronyms (TKA). Sci-fi and fantasy are challenging genres to write as the author has to convey what is "normal" in that universe without getting too verbose, explanatory, and boring, but unexplained terms are distracting. This goes back to good use of descriptions. Descriptions can help set the "normal" for that universe. - Odd choice of words, e.g. Marcus "bats his eyes". Because batting eyes is considered a manner of flirting, it's usually attributed as a woman's action. Using the word here creates an impression of the character being effeminate. It doesn't seem very relevant, unless Marcus comes back in later scenes. But if this was an "extra" character, then creating that impression was another distraction.
