Joke Thread

Post yer best joke! This one's always been a favorite of mine

So a pirate walks into a bar with the ship's wheel in his pants. The bartender looks at the pirate oddly, and then asks "Why do you have a ship's wheel in your pants?" The pirate responds "Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! It's driving me nuts!"

 

I like that one too...........

 

A cop on horseback is at a traffic light, next to him is a kid on his
bike.

The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you've got there. Santa bring that
to you?" The kid says, "Yeah." The cop says, "Tell Santa next year to
put a tailight on that bike."

The kid says, "Nice horse you've got there. Did Santa bring that to
you?" The cop says, "Yeah." The kid says, "Well tell Santa next year
to put the dick underneath the horse instead of on top."

DL

 

Pirate goes into a bar.

Bartender asks, "Well, where are your Buccaneers?"

Pirate replies, "They're under me buckin' hat!"

 

woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds,"
They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

 

A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said "Can you please help me, I don't know what hole I'm on."
She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6."He thanked her and continued playing golf.
On the back nine he got lost again.
He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on."
She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13." Again he thanked her and continued playing golf.
When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living.
"I'm in sales." He replied "no kidding so am I.
What do you sell?" She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised.
She said, "I sell tampons".
He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.
She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh".
He replied "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper. I'm still one hole behind you."

 

Two guys are fishing when one of them catches a fish. He brings it in the boat and as he cuts it open to clean it, a genie pops out and says, "Thanks for freeing me I will grant you one wish"
The fisherman looks around and says, "well we are almost out of beer, how about you turn this whole damn lake into beer". *POOF* the jenie grants his wish and leaves.
His partner slaps him on the chest and says, "What the hell did you do that for, now we have to piss in the boat!!"

 

One for the women: Whats the difference between a christmas tree and a man....
A christmas tree stays up for twelve days and nights, has cute balls and looks good with the lights on

 

A piece of string walks into a bar. The bartender says they don't serve pieces of string in his bar. The piece of string leaves, goes into the alley and begins to unwind and twist himself all over. He then goes back to the bartender who says "Hey, aren't you the same piece of string that was in here a minute ago?"
The piece of string says, "No, I'm a freyed not."

 

I fellow was playing golf. He makes his tee shot and lands in the center of the fairway. He is just about to chip onto the green when he hears"FORE" yelled behined him. He looks up and the ball hits him right on the thumb!!

He grabs alhold of his thumb and holds it to his stomach in pain.

Just then he hears a women running down the fair way saying "I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry is there anything I can do?" He shakes his head no. I can't beleive I hit you there!! I'm so sorry!!

She says let me make it all better come over here in the bushes. Still in pain he goes with her. She starts to unzip his pants and then begins to pleasure him. After shes done she says "now doesn't that feel better?"
The guy says thank-you very much but my thumb is still sore!!

 

A woman is approaching a very small Bistro. She calls the barkeeper and when he is standing in front of her she asks him in a very seductive way to come nearer. Then she bends over the desk and starts to carress his beard. "Are you the boss of this Bistro?" she asks and touches tenderly his cheek.
"Ehhh. No. Not at all!" the barkeeper replies.
"Would you please call him here?" the lady asks and gently touches his hair.
"Oh, I'm very sorry. But no. Impossible!" the barkeeper sighs who has - no doubt - fun with this situation.
"Would you then please do me a great favour?" the lady asks and follows gently the line of his lips.
"Of course. What ever you wish!" the barkeeper moans.
"I want to leave a message for the boss!" she says and let first one - then two - fingers slip into his mouth which he gently sucks on.
"What message?" the barkeeper asks with the two fingers in his mouth.
"Please tell him that there is no paper, nor soap, nor towel on the lady's toilet!"

 

The old gent was backing his Rolls into the last available parking space
when a zippy red sports car whipped in behind him to take the spot. The
young driver jumped out and said: "Sorry Pops, but you've got to be
young and smart to do that." The old man ignored the remark and kept
reversing until the Rolls had crunched the sports car into a crumpled
heap. "Sorry son, you've got to be old and rich to do that!"

DL

 

Not a joke but a true story.

During grand opening of a Safeway store in Texas I was part of the corporate grand opening team. We were giving a lot of buy one-get one free items away for the opening. We also had plenty of help on hand and most of them were newly trained young people.

A lady came thru one of the checkstands with her groceries and inquired of the young lady checking if there were any more of the Tampax that were on giveaway, as the shelf was empty. The young lady checking picked up the microphone and announced to the stockroom, which echoed thru the entire store, asking if there were any more of the Tampax that were on special. The stocker in the back room misunderstood her and thought she had said "thumbtacks". He lifted the microphone in the back and said to her over the entire system. "Yes we do, do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you drive in with a hammer"?......................The entire store went dead silent for about three seconds before the sound of laughter started from every corner. The young lady checking turned beet red and ran to the back room and would not come back out for an hour.

Again, one of the funnier true stories I have ever had the pleasure of witnessing. That was over 25 years ago and I still laugh about it.

 

LMAO...! There's some funny stuff in here... i like the golf/tampon/toilet paper joke... Really hilarious...!

 

A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the old west. The bartender asks him "how can I help ya?" The dog responds "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw"

 

very funny!

 

HHAHAAHAHA!!!!

 

A foursome is standing on the 18th green waiting for Bob to putt. Bob has about a six foot putt to win the $300.00 pot. The tension is so thick you can see it hanging in the air. Bob is bent over the putt ready to stroke the winning putt. Suddenly Bob stands straight up, pulls his hat off and places it over his heart. Everyone turns to look as a funeral procession passes solemnly by. They stand in silence as it passes. One of the foursome speaks up; "Bob, that was truly the most amazing thing I have ever seen." "So much riding on that putt.....but you still have the presence of mind to stop and pay your respects....truly amazing!"

Bob carefully places the hat back on his head, looks at the group and says: "It was the least I could do, I was married to her for 35 years"

 

A man is standing in his doctors office. "Doctor, I have terrible headaches. My work is so stressful my head pounds all day. I can't leave my job because I owe everyone in the world. Painkillers have proven completely ineffective. I am considering suicide to ease the pain"

The doctor feeling he is unable to provide any kind of relief offers his best advice: "When I have a headache that just wont go away, I often make wild passionate love to my wife. I completely surrender to the lust and immerse myself in the carnal expression of animal behavior. I always feel better and my wife looks forward to my headaches"

A few week later, the patient is back for his follow up visit. The doctor asks, "Did my suggestion do you any good at all? Have you found any relief? The patient, trying to contain his enthusiasm proclaims, "I took your suggestion and I am completely cured. My headaches seem to just melt away in an ocean of sexual pleasure. I just don't know how to thank you. And by the way..........you have a beautiful home".

 

Goldie, a recently widowed lady, was sitting on a Florida beach near Venice. She looked up and noticed that an elderly gentleman had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied.
"Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes," he answered, continuing to read.
Goldie persisted. "Do you like ***** cats?"
With that, he threw his book down, jumped off his blanket on to hers, tore off both their swimsuits, and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
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Two men are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window and "WHACK," the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick.
The driver says, "What the heck was that for?"
The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."
The driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."
The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and "WHACK," the trooper smacks him with the nightstick, too.
The passenger says, "What did you do that for?"
The trooper says, "Just making your wish come true."
The passenger says, "Huh?"
The trooper says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, 'I wish that jerk would've tried that bull with me.'"

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WHAT HALLMARK DOESN'T PRINT


So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day. Look at the bright side, it's really good pay.
My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat. When I looked at the tire... I noticed your cat. Sorry!
Heard your wife left you, How upset you must be. But don't fret about it... She moved in with me.
Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder? What the hell was I thinking?
Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your husband.
How could two people as beautiful as you... Have such an ugly baby?
I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you ... I've changed my mind.
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life... I never believed in Hell till I met you.
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... That you're not here to ruin it for me.
Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go ... would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again.
Someday I hope to get married. But not to you.
Happy birthday! You look great for your age... Almost Lifelike!
When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.
We have been friends for a very long time... what say we stop?
I'm so miserable without you .... it's almost like you're here.


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A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and placed the same order for drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender said "Darn! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife..."

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Duke, Tony - that's some seriously funny stuff...!

 

new medications for women only

DAMNITOL, Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours.
ST. MOMMA'S WORT, Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
EMPTYNESTROGEN, Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
PEPTOBIMBO, Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.
DUMBEROL, When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country western music.
FLIPITOR, Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
PENISCILLIN, Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as,"You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?"
BUYAGRA, Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
Extra Strength BUY-ONE-AL, When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.
JACKASSPIRIN, Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
ANTI-TALKSIDENT, A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
SEXCEDRIN, More effective than Excedrin in creating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache" syndrome.

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A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself. "You know love," she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, my butt is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs and my arms are all flabby." She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."
He thinks about it for a bit and then says, "Well... there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

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There was this couple that was married for 20 years, and every time they had sex the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was stupid. She figured she would break him out of the crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of doin it, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a dildo and reading the newspaper. She gets completely upset.
“You bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years. You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says, calmly, "I'll explain the dildo if you can explain our three kids."

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Des,
wish i could take the credit...... it's all plagiarized!
Tony

 

Doesn't matter, Tony - i'm not hearing or seeing these jokes anywhere else...!

 

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off the at the next stop.

When the bus starts on it's way the driver says to the hippie, "I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you." The hippie says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and prays to God. "If you went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are God and you could command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides this is a great idea, so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun to show up. Sure enough, at midnight the nun shows up and begins praying. The hippie jumped out from hiding and says, "I AM GOD! I have heard your prayers and I will answer them, but first you must have sex with me."

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity because she is married to the church. The hippie agrees to this and has his way with the nun.

After the hippie finishes he stands up and rips off the mask and shouts, "Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the hippie!!"

Then the nun jumps up and shouts, "Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the bus driver!"