Joke.

A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss here. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After more drinks he finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.

"Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance.

When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening." You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life."

 

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Ferrari 360 in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver's door of the F-car. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and it wasn't more than 5 minutes before a policeman pulled up. Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His 360, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again. After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief.
"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "My God, don't you even realize that your left arm is
missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!"

"My God!" screamed the lawyer.
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* "WHERE'S MY ROLEX?"

 

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?
The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the
window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00,
and vise versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00,
and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."
This catches the blondes attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays,
agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Okay says the lawyer, your turn.
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer.
He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer.
Frustrated, he send emails to all his friends and co workers, to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
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What?you thought blondes were dumb?

 

A girl came skipping home from school one day.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled "we were counting today and all the other
kids could only count to 4, but I counted to 10. See?
1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10! Very good, said her mother. Is it because I'm
blonde? "Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the Mommy.

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. " Mommy, Mommy,"
she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, all the other kids
could
only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,B,C,D,E,F,G! "Very good,"
said her mother. Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy? "Yes it's because
you're blonde!

The following day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy,
Mommy," she yelled, "we were in Gym class today, and when we showered
all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" She lifted her
tank top to reveal a pair of 36C's. "Very good," said her embarrassed
mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"No Honey, it's because you're 24."

 

Lmao Nice one

 

Evening Steve,
already e-mailed your lot off to my work server, should amuse them Monday morning
andy

 

Can't remember if I posted these elsewhere on here? Oh well here goes!
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View attachment court[1].doc

 

An old man in Alabama named Steve is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"Roll of chicken wire."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch some chickens."
"You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

The next morning, Steve is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something in his hand. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"Roll of duct tape."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch me some ducks."
"You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That night around sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

The next morning, Steve sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. ''Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"It's a ***** willow."
"Wait up...I'll get my hat."

 

Steve is shipwrecked on a deserted island, and after several years without his Collette, he begins to feel a bit horny.
Unfortunately, the only other living things on the island are a pig and a dog.
One day, after weighing his options, Steve approaches the pig for his moment of passion, but the dog bites him on his ass.
This pattern countinues for several days, frustrating poor Steve to no end.

Then one morning, Steve's luck changes.
He notices a beautiful young woman out at sea on the verge of drowning.
He swims out, drags her to the beach and revives her.

"Thank you," she says. "I will do anything to repay you, and I mean anything, just name it."
Steve can't believe his luck and quickly replies, "How about taking that damn dog for a walk?!"

 

One day, Steve and his son decide to go to the BIG CITY. Having lived in Wales all their lives, they have never been to a shopping mall and decide to visit one while in the BIG CITY.

Once at the mall, everything they see blows their minds, especially a pair of shiny walls that keep sliding open and shut.
Having never seen an elevator before, the son asks Steve what it is.
"Son," Steve says, "I have never seen anything like this in my life."

At that moment, a fat woman in a wheelchair rolls up and presses a button. The walls open and she enters a tiny room behind them. The walls then close and the pair watch in awe as a set of sequential numbers light up above them. They continue to stare as the numbers then light up in reverse order. When the walls finally reopen, a gorgeous blonde woman steps out.

"Son," Steve says to his boy, "run home and get your mother."

 

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately
spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a
sign on the cage that read $50.

"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should
tell you first ... that this bird used to live in a house
of prostitution, and sometimes he says some pretty
vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she
had to have the bird anyway. She took it home
and hung the bird's cage up in her living room,
and waited for it to say something.
The bird carefully looked around the room, then it
looked at her and said, "New house ... new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication,
but then thought, "That's not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from
school the parrot looked at both of them, and said,
"New house ... new madam ... new hookers."

The girls were at first a bit offended, but then began
to laugh about the whole situation.

She then began to think about how to explain this
to Steve, her husband. Moments later, the woman's husband came home
from work. Before he had time to close the door,
the bird took one look at him and said, "Hi Steve."

 

LMAOROTF

 

CIA Job opening

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists ... two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.. "This gun is loaded with blanks,” she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

 

More for the boys in work

Steve and Collette are traveling by car from Alabama to New York. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.

Steve explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, Steve insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for Steve and Collette to use.
"But we didn't use them," Steve complains.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.
He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains Steve again.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.
No matter what facility the Manager mentions, Steve replies, "But we didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually Steve gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.

"But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100."
"That's right," says Steve. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my Wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well," Steve replies, "she was here, and you could have."

 

*

Michael Burke on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."

Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."

'Winning Post's' Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."

Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."

Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."

Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."

The new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away..."My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."

Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."

Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."

Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"
*

 

WORDS WOMEN USE
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FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
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FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
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NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes.* "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"
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GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows! )
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"
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GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
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LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men.* A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"
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SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.
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THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."
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GO AHEAD!
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
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PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"
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THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.
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THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"
*

 

Tourists

This wind-up article appeared recently in an American magazine. By
all accounts it was taken seriously by a lot of people...


MONEY
The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is referred to
as "goolies" in slang, so you should for instance say "I'd love to
come to the pub but I haven't got any goolies." "Quid" is the modern
word for what was once called a "shilling" - the equivalent of
seventeen cents American.


MAKING FRIENDS
If you are fond of someone, you should tell him he is a "great tosser"
- he will be touched. The English are a notoriously tactile,
demonstrative people, and if you want to fit in you should hold hands
with your acquaintances and tossers when you walk down the street.


FOOD AND WINE
British cuisine enjoys a well deserved reputation as the most sublime
gastronomic pleasure available to man. Thanks to today's robust dollar,
the American traveller can easily afford to dine out several times a
week (rest assured that a British meal is worth interrupting your
afternoon wank for). Few foreigners are aware that there are several
grades of meat in the UK. The best cuts of meat, like the best bottles
of gin, bear Her Majesty's seal, called the British Stamp of Excellence
(BSE). When you go to a fine restaurant, tell your waiter you want BSE
beef and won't settle for anything less. If he balks at your request,
custom dictates that you jerk your head imperiously back and forth
while rolling your eyes to show him who is boss.

Once the waiter realises you are a person of discriminating taste, he
may offer to let you peruse the restaurant's list of exquisite British
wines. If he does not, you should order one anyway. The best wine
grapes grow on the steep, chalky hillsides of Yorkshire and East Anglia
- try an Ely '84 or Ripon '88 for a rare treat indeed.

When the bill for your meal comes it will show a suggested amount.
Pay whatever you think is fair, unless you plan to dine there again,
in which case you should simply walk out; the restaurant host will
understand that he should run a tab for you.


TRANSPORTATION
Public taxis are subsidised by the Her Majesty's Government. A taxi
ride in London costs two pounds, no matter how far you travel. If a
taxi driver tries to overcharge you, you should yell "I think not, you
charlatan!", then grab the nearest policeman (bobby) and have the
driver disciplined.

It is rarely necessary to take a taxi, though, since bus drivers are
required to make detours at patrons' requests. Just board any bus,
pay your fare of thruppence (the heavy gold-coloured coins are "pence"),
and state your destination clearly to the driver, e.g.: "Please take me
to the British Library." A driver will frequently try to have a bit of
harmless fun by pretending he doesn't go to your requested destination.
Ignore him, as he is only teasing the American tourist (little does
he know you're not so ignorant!).

For those travelling on a shoestring budget, the London Tube may be
the most economical way to get about, especially if you are a woman.
Chivalry is alive and well in Britain, and ladies still travel for
free on the Tube. Simply take some tokens from the baskets at the
base of the escalators or on the platforms; you will find one near
any of the state-sponsored Tube musicians.

Once on the platform, though, beware! Approaching trains sometimes
disturb the large Gappe bats that roost in the tunnels. The Gappes
were smuggled into London in the early 19th century by French
saboteurs and have proved impossible to exterminate. The
announcement "Mind the Gappe!" is a signal that you should grab
your hair and look towards the ceiling. Very few people have ever
been killed by Gappes, though, and they are considered only a minor
drawback to an otherwise excellent means of transportation.


AIRPORTS
One final note: for preferential treatment when you arrive at
Heathrow airport, announce that you are a member of Shin Fane
(an international Jewish peace organization-the "shin" stands
for "shalom"). As savvy travellers know, this little white lie
will assure you priority treatment as you make your way through
customs. Safe travels and Bon Voyage!

 

How to survive with women – you treat them like your car!
Lift up the front and have a good hard look.
Check the spare tyre and any handles.
Make sure the top can come down and look good in the summer.
Are the bodywork and lines to your liking.
Ensure it responds well when you are in the driving seat.
Fit a child lock.
Make sure any unusual noises can be safely ignored.
Ensure sole ownership.
If possible test drive several times before committing to ownership.
Make sure that there is a proper response when you put your foot down….
and that it is easy to control.
Ensure that no joy rider can get their hands on it.
See if the coil needs replacing.
Watch out for any nasty emissions.
Keep all leather accessories in order.
For your own safety never attempt to handle when drunk.
Never let your friends have a go.
German models- tend to be solid, steady runners, not ideal for frequent brief usage.
Italian models- are very responsive but change hands often and often make worrying noises.
American models- tend to consume excessive amounts of fuel.
British models- especially the attractive ones, are hard to find and expensive to maintain.
Swedish models- are usually versatile and safe.
Japanese models- are mass produced and reliable, but very common and often unattractive.
French models- are easy to come by but frequently disappointing.

 

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

Plagiarism saves time.

If at first you don't succeed, try management.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

We waste time, so you don't have to.

Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

Succeed in spite of management.

Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

 

LMAO This sounds just like my wife

 

Must have been buy one get one free M8, cos mine's the same

 

Talking of Wive's

Two guys are in a supermarket when their carts collide.
Steve says, "I'm sorry, I was looking for my wife."
"What a coincidence, so am I, and I'm getting a little desperate," says Joe.
"Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?" asks Steve.
Joe replies, "She's tall, with long hair, long legs, firm breasts and a magnificent backside.
What does your wife look like?" "Never mind," says Steve, "let's look for yours!"

 

Two men are driving through lower Alabama when they get pulled over by the boys in blue.
The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick.

"What the hell was that for?" the driver asks.
"You're in lower Alabama" the copper answers. "When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."
"I'm sorry, officer," the driver says, "I'm from Georgia".
The copper runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean-- and gives the guy his license back.
The copper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the copper smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

"What'd you do that for?" the passenger asks.
"Just making your WISH come true," replies the copper.
"Making WHAT WISH come true?" the passenger asks.
"Because I know," the copper says," that two miles down the road you're gonna turn to your friend and say, "I WISH that ******* would've tried that **** with me!"

 

One day while Steve is on duty at the motorpool, the phone rings.
“Hello,” Steve says.
“Yes, I am calling to find out if you have any vehicles available in the motorpool,” replies the voice at the end of the phoneline.
“Just an old Jeep that the Fat Ass General rides around in,” responds Steve.
“Do you know who this is?” shouts the voice.
“No,” replies Steve.
“This is the GENERAL” screams the voice.
“Umm....Do you know who this is?” asks Steve.
“NO?!” shouts the General.
“Then, Good-Bye FAT ASS” says Steve and he hangs up the phone.

 

LMAO