Joke.

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?" He replied, "To the kitchen." She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replied, "Sure." She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He said, "No, I can remember that." She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that." He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down." With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"

 

thanx Steve

"Justin, where's your homework?" Miss Martin said sternly to the little boy. "My dog ate it," was his solemn response. "Justin, I've been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that story?" "It's true, Miss Martin, I swear," insisted the boy. "I had to force him, but he ate it!"

 

A man pleaded with the psychiatrist, "You've got to help me. It's my son." "What's the matter?" "He's always eating mud pies. I get up in the morning and there he is in the backyard eating mud pies. I come home at lunch and he's eating mud pies. I come home at dinner and there he is in the backyard eating mud pies." The psychiatrist reassured him, "Give the kid a chance. It's all part of growing up. It'll pass." "Well, I don't like it, and neither does his wife."

 

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" "Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great." "That's great! And what was the name of the clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?" "You mean a rose?" "Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"

 

A man goes into a restaurant and orders soup. When the waiter brings out the bowl he has his thumb stuck in the soup, but the customer decides to let it go. "Would you like anything else?" the waiter inquires. "We have some very good roast beef today." "Sounds good," says the customer. So the waiter goes off and comes back with a plate of roast beef, and his thumb is in the gravy. The customer is irked, but decides to hold his tongue. "How about some hot apple pie?" asks the waiter. "Fine," says the customer. The waiter returns with his thumb stuck in the pie. Now the customer is pissed but decides to let it go since he is almost finished. "Coffee?" asks the waiter. And when the customer nods yes, he hurries off, only to return with his thumb stuck in the cup of coffee. By now the customer can no longer restrain himself. "What the hell do you think you're doing? Every time you've come to the table you've had your thumb stuck in my food!" "I've got an infection and my doctor told me to keep my thumb in a hot, moist place." "Why don't you just stick it up your a$$?" "Where do you think I put it when I'm in the kitchen?"

 

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess." "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher. Next little Lucy raised and hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched." "That was a fine story Lucy. Justin, do you have a story to share?" "Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then she killed the last ten with her bare hands. "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story? Justin say's "Stay the Hell away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking

 

Vinnie goes to the local novelty shop and finds a pair of
x-ray glasses. He checks them out, but isn't fully convinced. The store assistant comes along and closes the deal. On his way home, Vinnie puts on his new x-ray glasses and, bingo, he sees everyone in the street naked! He takes them off for a moment, and everyone has their clothes on. Puts the glasses back on...everyone is naked! "Cool!" As he arrives back home, he is eager to show his new toy to his wife but can't find her. He goes up to the bedroom and finds his wife and some guy, naked in bed. He takes his glasses off, and the two are still naked. He puts them back on, and they are still naked. Vinnie gets disgusted and says, "Damn, I just paid fifty-bucks for these, and they're already broken!"

 

Husband and wife go off to bed. As soon as they settle down, the man leans over and whispers softly "hey snuggle, your little hubby wubby isn't quite ready for bye-byes yet." The wife takes the hint and says "OK, but I have to use the bathroom first." So off she goes, but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face. Her husband jumps up, all concerned. "Oh my little hunny bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?" No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad sex for two hours. Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way back she trips over the piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor. Her husband looks over and grunts, "clumsy b*tch."

 

Sam had been a soldier at war for more than three years, during which he had been in many battles and won many decorations. He was finally discharged from service and returned home to a wife and son whom he hadn't seen in almost four years. As he was walking up the path to his house, his young son spotted him and yelled, "Mommy, Mommy, here comes Daddy, and he's got a Purple Heart on!" The mother replied, "I don't give a damn what color it is! Let him in, and you go play at the Jones's for a couple hours."

 

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer. "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor
and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says, "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?" The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "I do." The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal." The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."

 

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, "MAN, That is the ugliest baby I've EVER seen!"
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. She fumed for a few stops and started getting really worked up. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me!" she fumed. The man sympathized and said, "Hey! He's a public servant and he shouldn't say things to insult the passengers." "You're right!" she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind." "That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey!"

 

After just a few years of marriage filled with constant
arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. In contrast, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour, describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat speechless. The marriage counselor looked over at the husband, who stared
in disbelief. The counselor said to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!" The husband scratched his head and replied, "OK, I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

 

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who I haven't seen in a long time." "That's a shame," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said, "as I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!' It would make me feel so much better." "Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Good bye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

 

The newlyweds entered the elevator of their Miami Beach hotel. The operator, a magnificent blonde, looked at them in surprise and said, "Why, hello, Teddy, how are you?" A frosty silence prevailed until the couple reached their room, when the piqued bride demanded: "Who was that woman?!" "Take it easy, honey," said the groom, "I'm going to have trouble enough explaining you to her."

 

One day a five year old little girl excitedly approached her mother, and announced that she had learned how you get a baby. The mother was
amused and said, "Oh really sweetie, why don't you tell me all about it?"
The little girl then explained, "Well, the mommy and daddy take off all of their clothes, and the daddy's wiener stands way up high, and the mommy kneels on the floor and puts the daddy's wiener in her mouth, and then the daddy's wiener sort of explodes and makes sticky juice into the mommy's mouth, and then the mommy swallows the sticky juice, and that's how you get a baby." The mother looked lovingly at her daughter, leaned over to meet her
eye to eye and said, "Oh honey, that's sweet, but that's not how you get a baby. That's how you get jewelry."

 

My favorite thread when work is slow

 

A classic I love.



A man walked into a bar, sat down at the far end and had a drink. He noticed there was a horse in the back of the bar room with a big pot of money on the floor in front of it.
"What's up with that?" He asked the bartender, pointing at the horse.
"You gotta put a dollar in the pot," explained the bartender,"if you can make the horse laugh, you collect the pot."

The man walked over to the horse, dropped a dollar into the pot, and whispered into it's ear. The horse cracked up, fell over, and rolled on the floor in laughter. So the man picked up the pot and walked out.

Five years later the same man came into the bar, and saw the same horse, with another big pot of money in front of it. The bartender recognised the man and noticed him looking at the horse in anticipation. "It's not so easy now... this time you gotta make him cry." he said.

The man walked over to the horse and whispered in its ear, and from behind, in the shadows, appeared to pull something out of his pocket and showed the horse. The horse fell to its knees sobbing as though its heart was breaking. The man picked up the pot and was walking out the door when the bartender stopped him.

"Hey! At least you can tell us what you told him!" "Easy," said the man. "The last time, I told him my penis is bigger than his. This time I showed him.

 

LMAO Pap!!

Steve : :

TOP TEN THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR IN CHURCH...

10. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.

9. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.

8. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.

7. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.

6. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.

5. Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do.

4. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!

3. Since we're all here, let's start the service early.

2. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.

1. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!

 

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN GOLF BUT AREN'T

10. Nuts...my shaft is bent.

9. After 18 holes I can barely walk.

8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.

7. Look at the size of his putter.

6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.

5. Mind if I join your threesome?

4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.

3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.

2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.

1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first.