Joke.

NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now I have to use the library computers until I can figure out how to reinstall windows!

 

Subject: How To Deal With Annoying Passengers

Next time you are sitting next to somone who irritates you on a plane or train Follow these instructions:

1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.
2. Remove your laptop.
3. Start up
4. Make sure the guy who is annoying you, can see the screen.
5. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky.
6. Then hit this link: http://www.thecleverest.com/countdown.swf

 

Mrs. Cohen comes to visit her son Simon for dinner, who lives with a female roommate Rachel. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn’t help but notice how pretty Simon's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching
the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Simon and his roommate than met the eye.


Reading his mom's thoughts, Simon volunteered, "I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you, Rachel and I are just roommates." About a week later, Rachel came to Simon saying, "Ever since your mother came to
dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't
suppose she took it, do you?" Simon replied, “Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."


So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Momma,
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the sugar bowl from my house, I'm not
saying that you 'did not' take it. But the fact remains that it has been
missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Simon"

Several days later, Simon received a response email from his Mom
which read:


"Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Rachel, and I'm not saying that
you 'do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Love, Mom"



Lesson of the day - Don't Lie to Your Mother ... especially if she is Jewish!

 

A man & a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other
people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a
transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed & uneasy over sharing a room, they were both
very tired & fell asleep quickly... Him in the upper bunk & her in the
lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over & gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am,
I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet
to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that
we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own f'ing blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted.

 

IM afraid to click that link. The things that scare you make me freak out. THen i have nightmares........no lie.

 

Its not that bad honest.

 

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car.

There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it."

"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"

He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.

"But what about the smell?"

"Just hold its nose."

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with, died at the scene.

 

really good **** Steve! thanx for makin me feel better.

 

BRAIN OF AN ITALIAN:



This is not a story but a true incident that happened in USA.

An Italian man walked into a bank in New York City one day and asked for the loan officer.

He told the loan officer that he was going to Italy on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000.



The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan. The Italian man handed over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produced the title and everything checked out.

The loan officer agreed to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Italian for using a $450,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan.


An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parked it there.

Two weeks later, the Italian returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest, which came to $15.41.

The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow "$5,000"

The Italian replied: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return'"

Ah, the brain of the Italian..........

 

Kentucky Welfare

A Kentuckian walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the
counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really much
rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just
got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and
bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around
in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long
hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas
holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a
two-bedro om apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bull sh!tt!n' me, right!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it."

 

Christian.FR this is for you..........

Q. How do you say "Give me liberty or give me death!" in French?
A. I give up.

Q. How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris?
A. Nobody knows. It's never been tried.

Q. What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?
A. The French Army.

Q. Why was the Chunnel built under the English Channel?
A. So the French government could to flee to London.

Q: Did you hear about the new French tanks?
A: They have 5 gears...4 in reverse, and one forward gear just in case they're attacked from behind!

Q: Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney?
A: Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender.

Q: Why do they have trees in Paris?
A: So the Germans can march in the shade instead of the sun

Q: Why is good to be French?
A: You can surrender at the beginning of the war, and US will win it for you.

Q: What is the first thing you are taught when joining the French army?
A: To say "I surrender" in German

Q: Why was Jesus not born in France?
A: Because they couldn’t find three wise men or a virgin.

Q: Did you hear about France's new weapons contracts?
A: They gave one to Ace Hardware to produce 250,000 wood sticks...they are still looking for a company to produce 250,000 little white flags.

Q: Where are the brave French soldiers buried?
A: There aren't any so they had to bury some of ours on their soil.

 

A Husband's Mid Life Crisis

I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 36 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, no car, no TV, no money and slept on a sofa bed, but I got to sleep every night with a hot good looking 18 year old. Now, we have a beautiful house, two nice cars, king size bed, money and a 50" screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 54 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 18-year-old beautiful girl, and she would hold up her side of the bargain and make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, with no car, no money, and
sleeping on a sofa bed.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis.

 

Nice jokes John and Jon

Rich Man, Poor Man

A rich man and a poor man were discussing what they gave their wives for their Christmas. The rich man says, "I bought my wife a diamond necklace and a Mercedes Benz. Poor man asks, "Why did you buy her two gifts?" The rich man replies, "Well, in case she doesn't like the diamond necklace, she can drive her Mercedes Benz to take it back."

The poor man acknowledges the rich mans answer then proceeds to tell him what he got his wife. "I got my wife a pair of flip flops and a dildo." With a confused and intrigued look, the rich man asks, "Why did you buy her those gifts?!" The poor man replies, "Well, in case she doesn't like the flip flops, she can go **** herself."

 

A little boy and his frog -

There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam
answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.

He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?" Of course the Madam said no.

He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the
hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.

Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the
Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the
others?"

He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter.

After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught.

When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way,
he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease.

Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it.

In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-***** who ran over my FROG!"

 

For all the financial types

 

Complaint Filed
TO THE MANAGEMENT

Subject: Mr. Penis Wants a Raise

To Whom It May Concern:



I, Mr. Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

1-------- I do physical labor.

2.------- I work at great depths.

3.------- I plunge head first into everything I do.

4.------- I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

5.--------I work in a damp environment.

6. -------I work in a dark area that has poor ventilation.

7.------- I work in high temperatures.

8. -------My work exposes me to diseases.


Reply:

Dear Mr. Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have
raised, Management denies your request for the following reasons:


1. ------You do not work 8 hours straight.

2. ------You WORK IN SHORT SPURTS AND fall asleep after EACH brief work period.

3. ------You do not always follow the orders of the management team.

4. ------You do not stay in your designated area, and are often seen visiting other locations.

5. ------You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

6. ------You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

7. ------You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.

8. ------You will retire LONG before you are 65.

9. ------You are unable to work double shifts.

10. ------You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.

11. ------And if that were not all, you have constantly been seen entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.



Sincerely,

The Management

 

That is bad taste.
Also check your history books, when Jerry invaded France, the frenchies were fighting side by side with the brits.
Operation Dinamo rings a bell ?
Yeah the great british troops running for theiry lives.

The French army is one of the best in the world, could rival any other fighting force.

 

Best joke so far

 

You're fighting a losing battle, Ulmis Fair or not, Americans have a big hate on for the French these days, so bad that it makes Brits seem like France's staunchest friends (which they ain't in case anyone was wondering.) Might as well surrender!

FTR The poor showing against Hitler in 1940 had its roots in a poor decision to spend most of their defense budget on the Maginot line, as a famous General had declared the Ardennes "impassable." The bit they forgot was that he added "if adequately defended." A couple of old-school horse cavalry brigades turned out not to constitute "adeqate" defenses, and the rest is history. So if it makes you feel any better, it wasn't cowardice but incredibkle stupidity that lost to Hitler with amazing speed.

But the real point is that those are JOKES. Most jokes are at someone else's expense, and I'm sure a counter of some good "American jokes" will be much better received than any serious point you might try to make in a thread titled:

JOKE

Now then, you've got some work to do: don;t come back until you have a joke for us!

 

No more excuses...

The Wife Has A Headache
A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual,'' I have a headache.''

"Perfect," her husband said...."I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin......You can take it orally, or as a suppository ...It's up to you."

 

There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their a$$es. The results are pretty shocking:

1. Only 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.

2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.

3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him; he's a good man and they would have married him anyway.

 

Here`s some genuine humour for you

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fJuNgBkloFE

 

A Banbury senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z3 convertible out of the car salesroom.
Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 90 Mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M40, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly Nutcase as he floored it to 110mph, then 120, then 130mph.
Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!"
So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the Police car to catch up with him. Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir," said the policeman.

 

Why do NASCAR fans do it doggie style.
So they can both watch the race.

 

See? I knew you could do it!