The Bridge to Hawaii A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, ''Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'' The man said, ''Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want.'' The Lord said, ''Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me.'' The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, ''Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'' The Lord replied, ''You want two lanes on that bridge or four?''
Subject: FW: Disorder in the Courts I'm confident you will never be guilty of any of the following!!!! Disorder in the Courts: [These are from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts" and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters, who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place!] Q: Are you sexually active? A: No, I just lie there. Q: What is your date of birth? A: July 15. Q: What year? A: Every year. Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten? Q: How old is your son, the one living with you? A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years. Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult? A: We both do Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo. Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? A: Did you actually pass the bar exam? Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? Q: Were you present when your picture was taken? Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: And what were you doing at that time? Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls? Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated? Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female? Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral. Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy. Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere...
TO OUR VALUED CUSTOMERS: Lloyds bank is very pleased to inform you that we are installing new "Drive-thru" cash point machines where our customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable our customers to make full use of these new facilities, we have conducted intensive behavioural studies to come up with appropriate procedures for their use. Please read the procedures that apply to you and remember them for when you use our new machines for the first time. PROCEDURES FOR OUR MALE CUSTOMERS: 1. Drive up to the cash machine. 2. Wind down your car window. 3. Insert card and enter PIN. 4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw. 5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt. 6. Wind up window. 7. Drive off. PROCEDURES FOR OUR FEMALE CUSTOMERS: 1. Drive up to cash machine. 2. Reverse back the required amount to align car window with cash machine. 3. Re-start the stalled engine. 4. Wind down the window. 5. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat and locate card. 6. Turn the radio down. 7. Attempt to insert card into machine. 8. Open car door to allow easier access to cash machine due to it's excessive distance from the car. 9. Insert card. 10. After "Invalid Card" is displayed, remove the aforementioned "Marks & Spencer's" Charge card and insert correct cash point card, 11. Remove cash point card. 12. Re-insert cash point card the right way up. 13. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page. 14. Enter PIN. 15. Press "Cancel" and enter correct PIN. 16. Enter amount of cash required. 17. Check make-up in rear view mirror. 18. Retrieve cash and receipt. 19. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside. 20. Place receipt in back of cheque book. 21. Re-check make-up. 22. Drive forward 2 metres. 23. Reverse back to cash machine. Wave to exasperated male customer in car behind. 24. Retrieve card. 25. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided. 26. Restart stalled engine and pull off. 27. Drive for 2 to 3 miles. 28. Release handbrake.
A leprechaun walks into a bar, and he see's a sign that says: "Win a pot of gold if you can make the donkey laugh." The leprechaun decided to go for it, and he succeed in making the donkey laugh. So he goes to the bartender and asks for his pot of gold. The bartender says, "Ok, but first you have to tell us how you did it." The leprechaun says, "I can't tell you, it's a leprechaun secret." So the bartender says, "Then I can't give you the pot of gold." The leprechaun gets very angry and walks off. He comes back the next day and sees a sign that says: "Win a pot of gold if you can make the donkey cry." So he trys it, and he makes the donkey cry. He goes up to the bartender and asks for his pot of gold. But the bar attendant tells him, "First you have to tell me how you did it. So the leprechaun says, "Alright, yesterday I told him that I have a bigger penis then him, and today I showed him."
Corn Hole A truck driver had a 2 day lay-over during the St. Patrick's Day holiday. He was getting bored with just sitting at the truck stop cafe, so he decided to go for a few beers. After about the 4th one, he had to use the bathroom badly. He went into the bathroom, and he was peeing, lhe ooked into the next stall and noticed a leprechaun whose penis was HUGE! "Let me ask you something...how come short guys have bigger peckers than tall guys?" In his heavy Irish accent, the leprechaun looked up and said, "I don't know laddy, i'm a leprechaun". With that, the trucker reached out and grabbed him and said, "Well guess what? I caught ya!" "Aye lad, that ya did, but your wishes won't come true until tomorrow morning". The trucker was confused by this, "Why not? You're a leprechaun, I caught ya, so you are supposed to grant me 3 wishes." "Well", began the leprechaun, "you don't know anything about us leprechauns. We get a day of the year off and it happens to be St. Patrick's Day." Well, the trucker understanding this made his 3 wishes. He wanted to own his trucking company, he wanted every woman he saw to desire his body and he wanted 10 million dollars in the bank, tax free. The leprechaun said it would be done in the morning. On his way out of the restroom, the leprechaun says, "Lad, would you like to have your wishes come true tonight?" "Well yeah, but what's the catch?", came the reply. "Well, you gotta let a leprechaun corn-hole ya." The trucker, at first protested, but then the leprechaun reminded him of all that he would be gaining in few precious moments. Thinking about the money, the company becoming his and ALL those women, he agreed but told the leprechaun not to tell anyone. When it was all over, the leprechaun was getting ready to leave, turned to the trucker and said, "Laddy, can I ask ya a question?" "Sure", says the trucker. "How old are ya now?" "I'm 40 years old" says the trucker. With that, the leprechaun says, "You mean to tell me that you're 40 years old and still believe in leprechauns?"
Evening all, I'm back Just to annoy all our Liverpool friends again, heres some more Image Unavailable, Please Login
The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words. She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more than one syllable. "Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?" "After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday." "Great Jane. That has two syllables, Mon......day" "Does anyone know another word." "I do! I do!" replied Johnny. Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead. "OK Mike, what is your word." "Saturday." says Mike. "Great, that has three syllables..." Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says "I know a four syllable word. Pick me! Pick me!" Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says, "O.K. Johnny what is your four syllable word?" Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion." Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says, "Wow, Johnny. Four syllables! That's certainly is a mouthful." "No Ma'am, you're thinking of 'blowjob', that's only two syllables!"
A mother had 3 daughters. They were all getting married within a Short time period. Because mom was a bit worried about how their Sex lives would get started, she made them all promise to send a Postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt. The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the Wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe." Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter. The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges." Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size." She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter. The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by, and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words: "British Airways." Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for the airline. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways." Mom fainted.
A boy walks into his parents room to find his mom jumping on his dad so he runs back into his room. His mom followed him and asks, "Whats wrong, sweetie?" The boy asks, "What were you doing to daddy?" So she says, "Well sweetie you know your daddy has gotten really fat, so I was just flattening his belly for him" The boy replies, "Well what is the point if the neighbor comes over after you leave for work and blows it back up again?"
There was a couple who did not want their children to know when they were going to have sex, so they decided on a code of ''writing a letter.'' One day, Daddy said to his daughter, ''Tell your mommy that Daddy wants to write a letter.'' The girl went and told her mommy and the mom said, ''The red ribbon is coming out, not now.'' The girl went back to the daddy and told him. One day, Mommy told her daughter to tell her daddy that she wanted to write a letter. Daddy replied, ''Not now. Daddy already wrote the letter by hand.''
An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?" The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster Chucky, wherever I go, Chucky goes." "I'm sorry sir.", said the ticket agent, "We don't allow animals in the theater." The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge. The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unzipped his pants so Chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie. "Marge", whispered Mildred. "What", said Marge. "I think this guy next to me is a pervert.", said Mildred. "What makes you think that", asked Marge. "He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out", whispered Mildred. "Well, don't worry about it", said Marge, "At our age we've seen them all." "I thought so", said Mildred, "But this one is eating my popcorn!"
James was on the beach, and could not understand why Bob had attracted all the girls, while he had no luck. So he asked Rich "why do you get all the girls and I get nothing?" Bob replied "take a potato and tuck it in your swimming trunks. It drives the women wild!" So James stuffed a potato in his suit and paraded up and down the beach. Several hours later, he still had no woman. James went to see Bob again and said "I've tried the potato and it doesn't work!" Bob looked at James and asked, "have you tried putting the potato in the front?"
Adam was talking to his friend at the bar, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck." His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled." Adam decided to to his friend's advice. The next day at the bar his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?" "Yes, I did," Adam replied. "Did she like it?" "Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"
Beer Translations 1. "You get this round and the next round is on me." I'll be leaving before the next round. 2. "I'll get this round and the next one is on you." Happy hour is about to end. Beers are now a dollar, but by the next round they'll be $3.50. 3. "Hey, where is that friend of yours?" I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position. 4. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (female) I'm easy. 5. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (male) I'm gay. 6. "Ever try a body shot?" (male to female) I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you. 7. "Ever try a body shot?" (female to male) If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home? 8. "I don't feel well, let's go home." (female) You are paying more attention to your friends than me. 9. I don't feel well, let's go home." (male) I'm horny. 10. "Who's got the next round?" I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.
A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in uptown New York. The ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of this secretary that he asked her to marry him. The secretary was startled, but remembered that her boss told her never to insult foreign dignitaries, so she decided to let him down easy. "I'll only marry you under three conditions." "Anything, anything," said the ambassador. "First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72 carat diamond, along with a 28 inch studded matching necklace for our engagement." Without hesitation, the ambassador picked up his cellular phone, called his personal accountant, told him the instructions, and said, "Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!" The secretary thought that her first request was too easy, so she thought of a more difficult situation. "Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part of the Poconos along with a 40 acre summer home in the sweetest vineyards of Italy." The ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal broker in New York, then called another broker in Italy, and after his quick conversation, he said, "Yes, yes, I build, I build!" The secretary was very startled, and knew she must think of a final request that would be impossible to live up to. "Finally," she said. "I'll only marry you if you have a 10 inch penis." A sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands. After weeping in his native language for a few minutes, the ambassador slowly lifted his head and said, "Ok, ok, I cut, I cut!"
