I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors - green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at her. The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time. When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked: What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life? Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one! In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid Got stoned once and ****ed a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my daughter." Image Unavailable, Please Login
A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady 'Do you have a v****a?' She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman 'Do you have a v****a'? She slams the door again later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice, 'Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again'. The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it'. She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. 'Do you have a v*****a? 'Yes' she says. The man replies: Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you." The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves. What did I tell you? said the barber. "That kid never learns!" Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill? The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar the game's over!"
A man comes into a bar, orders a beer and takes out of a bag a tiny piano and a 10 inch high man. He puts the man behind the piano and the little man starts playing. People are amazed! The owner of the bar offers the man free drinks all evening and at closing time he asks: 'I'm sorry, but where did you get him?' Well, said the man, I found an old oillamp and when I was cleaning it a ghost came out and told me that I could make a whish. O, said the barkeeper, do you still have that lamp? Yes, said the man. Could you bring it tomorrow, asked the barkeeper. I'll do that, said the man. Next evening the man brought the lamp, the barkeeper cleaned it up and the ghost came out. You can make a wish, said the ghost to the barkeeper. I wish a million bucks, said the barkeeper. Right at that moment thousands and thousands of ducks came flying in the bar, sittiing everywhere. I don't understand, said the barkeeper, I've asked for bucks, not ducks! Well, said the man, do you really think I've asked for a 10 inch pianist?
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought.... Soon he sees another sign which reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?' He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business.....' 'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.' He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.' He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign: GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.
Man walks into his bedroom late at night carrying a sheep. His wife looks up from the bed, kind of glaring at him over her glasses. The man says: "This is the pig I sleep with when you aren't around." The wife says: "That's not a pig you idiot, that's a sheep." The man says: "I was talking to the sheep."
Little Stephanie returns from school and she says to her mom. "Mom, little Ricky showed me his penis today" The mom was a little shocked, and so she didn't know what to say. The little girl continued: "Yeah, it reminded me of a peanut." The mother, now a little relieved said: "Oh, because it was small like a peanut?" Then the little girl says: "Salty!"
An elderly couple is driving back from church one Sunday when the man tells his wife that he couldn't keep a terrible secret any longer. 40 years ago he had an affair while stationed overseas in the military, and while he was never untrue to her since and loved her more than anything, it was eating at his conscience and he needed to tell her. She didn't take it well. The man kept a knife in the glovebox, and in a fit of rage she snatched it out, pulled down his pants, cut off his penis and threw it out the open car window! Driving behind the old couple at the time was a car containing father and his little girl, who also happened to be driving home from Church. The severed penis flew backwards and SPLAT his the other car's windshielf before bouncing off into the road. The shocked father recognized what exactly had just hit his car, and quickly glanced over to see if his daughter noticed. She was looking at the splotch of mess on the glass, then asked her father what it was that just hit them. Thinking fast, he told her it was nothing but a bug, and that bugs are hit by cars all the time. The daughter thought about that for a few seconds, then said "wow, that bug sure had a big dick didn't it?"
A blonde city girl marries a Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?' The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.' The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, 'Tell me lady, cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know this is the cow to be bred?' 'That's simple. By the nail over its stall,' Amy explains very confidently. Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?' The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, 'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'
A man in West Virginia had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a withered bouquet of flowers in front of the car and another one behind it. Then he got back in the car and waited. A passerby rubbernecked the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, "I got me a flat tar." The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?" The man responded, "When you breaks down they says to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I doesn't understand it neither. But, you stopped, so, I guess it works! You got a extry spar?"
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls for his grandson to approach the bed, "Lissin a me. I wanna for you to taka my chroma-plated .38-caliber revolver so you will always a remember me." The grandson smiles weakly and replies, "But Grandpa, I really donna lika guns. Howzabout you leava me you ROLEX watch instead?" Gasping for air, the old man answers with a snarl in his voice, "Shuddup an a lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business. You gonna have a beautifula wife, lotza money, a bigga home, and maybea a couple of bambinos." After a slight pause to catch his breath he continues, "Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then...pointa to your watch and say 'Time's up?'"
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk,' worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote: 1.) It is perfect formula for the child. 2.) It provides immunity against several diseases. 3.) It is always the right temperature. 4.) It is inexpensive. 5.) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa. 6.) It is always available as needed. And then, the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell indicating the end of the test rang, he wrote... 7.) It comes in 2 cute containers. He got an A
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.' The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!' The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad'. 'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien.. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch. Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head. 'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?' The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.
