A high-wire artist was preparing for his first high-altitude walk without any type of safety gear or net. Another man was receiving head from a much older woman of 89. They were both thinking the exact same thing... DON'T LOOK DOWN!
An old woman is upset at her husbands funeral. "You have him in a brown suit and I wanted him in a blue suit" The mortician says "Well take care of it, maam" and yells back "Ed, switch the heads on two and four!"
Lesson One: An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?" The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. __________________________________________ Lesson Two: A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey. "But I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. Management Lesson: Bull shiit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there. __________________________________________ Lesson Three: A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He laid there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. Management Lesson: 1) Not everyone who shiits on you is your enemy. 2) Not everyone who gets you out of shiit is your friend. 3) And when you're in deep shiit, it's best to keep your mouth shut! This ends the three minutes management course.
A koala is sitting up a gum tree, smoking a joint, when a little lizard walks past, looks up and says: "Hey, Koala! What are you doing?" The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?" The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says: "Hey, you!" So the koala looks down at him and says: "Faaack'n hell mate.......how much water did you drink???"
A little boy comes to his Mom one day and asks her, ''Why does Daddy eat light bulbs?'' The mother laughs and says, What makes you think that your father eats light bulbs?'' The boy replies, ''The other night when you didn't know I was listening, I heard Daddy say to you, 'Turn out the light Honey, and I'll eat it!'
A Polish girl went to the gynaecologist. She disrobed and got up into the stirrups. The doctor was so shocked at the neglectful state of her vagi*a he asked, "When was the last time you had a check-up?" "Well, to be honest with you," she blushed, "I've never had a Czech up there, but I have had several Hungarians."
Little Johnny asks his Dad, "Why is Santa always so jolly?" "Because he knows where all the naughty girls live his Dad replied."
Question: What's the first thing a girl from Tennessee says after she loses her virginity? Answer: Get off me Daddy, you're crushing my cigarettes.
hahahaha. That kinda like the joke: Question: How do you circumcise a hick? Answer: Kick his sister's chin
The waitress was waiting as patiently as she could while a smartass customer was dawdling over the breakfast menu. He tells the waitress, "I never return to a restaurant unless at least one of the sausages I'm served is a match in size to my own." The waitress replied, "In that case, sir, perhaps you should take a look at the children's menu."
What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians? .. A licker cabinet. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian? .... A Klondyke. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns? .... Militia Etheridge. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time? Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe? ... Fur Traders. What is a lesbian dinosaur called? .... A Lickalotapuss. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers? .. Well Hung. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar? ..... Even the pool table doesn't have balls. What do you call lesbian twins? .... Lick-a-likes. What's the definition of confusion? ... Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market. What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian? One's a snack cracker, the other's a crack snacker.
In the immigration office: Q.: "Name?" A.: "Abdul Dalah Sarafi." Q.: "Sex?" A.: "Four times a week." Q.: "No, no, no... Male or female?" A.: "Male, female... sometimes camel..."
I know it is not Jokes...but they are funny from our president....lol.... 10) "Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream." —LaCrosse, Wis., Oct. 18, 2000 9) "I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." —Greater Nashua, N.H., Jan. 27, 2000 8) "I hear there's rumors on the Internets that we're going to have a draft." —second presidential debate, St. Louis, Mo., Oct. 8, 2004 7) "I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." —Saginaw, Mich., Sept. 29, 2000 6) "You work three jobs? … Uniquely American, isn't it? I mean, that is fantastic that you're doing that." —to a divorced mother of three, Omaha, Nebraska, Feb.4, 2005 5) "Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." —Poplar Bluff, Mo., Sept. 6, 2004 4) "They misunderestimated me." —Bentonville, Ark., Nov. 6, 2000 3) "Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?" —Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000 2) "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." —Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004 1) "There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again." —Nashville, Tenn., Sept. 17, 2002 You can actually hear him here.... http://politicalhumor.about.com/cs/georgewbush/a/top10bushisms.htm Good Night. And Good Luck. John
A knight and his men return to their castle after a long hard day of fighting. "How are we fairing?" asks the king. "Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west." "What?!" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the west!" "Oh, no..." says the knight. "Well, you do now."
A man walked into a bar, sat down, ordered 3 shots of whiskey, drank them, then left. This continued daily for several weeks. Curious, the bartender asked him one day, "Why do you always order three shots of whiskey?" The man answered, "Because my two brothers and I always used to have one shot each, and since they've both passed on, I've continued to order the three shots in their honor." The bartender thought that this was a very noble thing to do, and welcomed the man every time he visited the bar. Two weeks later, the man walked into the bar for his daily visit and ordered two shots of whiskey. Surprised, the bartender asked him why he only ordered two when had had always been ordering three. The man answered, "Oh, I've decided to stop drinking."
