A man walks into a busy Chinese restaurant in Dublin but is told by the waiter that there's going to be at least a 20-minute wait. "Would you like to wait at the bar, sir?" he says. So he man sits up at the bar and the barman says: "What'll it be?" The man replies: "OK, give me a Stoli with a twist." The barman pauses for a few seconds, then smiles and says: "Once upon time, there were FOUR little peegs..." -------------------------------------------- How To Get Ahead In The Office---------------------------------------- 1) Run one lap around the office at top speed. > 2) Groan out loud in the toilet cubicle (at least one > other'non-player'must be in the toilet at the time). > 3) Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you. > 4) Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and > say,"Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye." > 5) To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your > ears > and grimace. > 6) When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper > huskily,"Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!". > 7) Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it > out,say,"Sorry, I really prefer it this way". > 8) Walk sideways to the photocopier. > 9) While riding a lift, gasp dramatically every time the doorsopen. > 10) Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with > double-barrelled fingers. > 11) Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get > all > that,I don't want to have to repeat it". > 12) Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice). > 13) Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the > nozzle(there must be a 'non-player' within sight). > 14) Shout random numbers while someone is counting. > 15) At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice > to > conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you > actually launch into it yourself). > 16) Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you > with > growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times. > 17) For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob". > 18) Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do > a > number two". > 19) After every sentence, say 'Mon' in a really bad Jamaican > accent.As > in"the report's on your desk, Mon". Keep this up for one hour. > 20) While an office mate is out, move their chair into the lift. > 21) In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly > and > mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!". > 22) At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God is my > witness,I'll never go hungry again". > 23) In a colleague's diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in > tights". > 24) Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna > trade?". > 25) Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same > person:"Do > you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now". > 26) Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't > talk > about it". > 27) Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a > lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go. > 28) Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a > very > important conference call. > 29) Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk. > 30) Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your > pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out. > 31) Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit,smash > each biscuit with your fist. > 32) During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards > the > door. > 33) Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting > attendee,move them according to the movements of their > real-lifecounterparts. > 34) At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point > a > hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slow down. > 35) Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going > to > have to let one of you go."> > 36) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want > fries > with that.> > 37) Put your rubbish bin on your desk and label it "IN." > 38) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has got > over > his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. > 39) Don't use any punctuation marks at all in your e-mails. > 40) As often as possible, skip rather than walk. > 41) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they > answer. > 42) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go." > 43) Sing along at the opera. > 44) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme. > 45) Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of > jungle > sounds all day. > 46) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their > party > because you're not in the mood. > 47) Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling > name,RockHard. > 48) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won! I Won! > 3rdtime > this week!!!" > 49) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot > yelling,"Run for your lives, they're loose!" > And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity.... > 50) Send this to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it > to > you or have asked you not to send them stuff like this