F1 Driver "rootability"

F1 driver “rootability”
2004-06-17
Burd Phillips

It has been over a decade since a US-born driver sat on the starting grid at a Formula One event, which means the average American racing fan often has a difficult time deciding who to root for when the USGP rolls around. In order to help those who don’t quite know what to make of a race that’s not chock-full of Dales, Darryls, Tonys, and Jeffs, I have created a list that ranks each of the current F1 drivers according to their “rootability.” From worst to first, the list is as follows:



Kimi Raikkonen. Photo by Brousseau Photo.


20. Kimi Raikkonen: Let’s face it. Raikkonen has the personality of baking soda. It used to irritate me when people were constantly comparing him to Mika Hakkinen early in his career. Mika wasn’t very outspoken, but he had a sharp wit and a brilliant sense of humor. Watching Mika’s reaction after capturing the final victory of his career at the USGP in 2001 made my heart soar. Watching Raikkonen’s reaction after earning the pole in 2003 made me think that I should go home and clean out the refrigerator, do some laundry, go grocery shopping, maybe walk the dog...

19. Ralf Schumacher: No.

18. Rubens Barrichello: If the primary purpose of an F1 driver is to whine, complain, make lame excuses and constantly assign blame, Barrichello would be a world champion many times over. Since that’s not the case, there is simply no reason to root for ol’ number two. The only mildly interesting thing about him is the fact that he apparently has a foot fetish of some sort.



Rubens Barrichello. Photo by Brousseau Photo.


17. Gianmaria Bruni: He’s no Alex Yoong.

16. Olivier Panis: After a decade in F1, I still don’t know how to pronounce his last name.

15. Giorgio Pantano: It must be hard to concentrate on driving when you’re constantly having nightmares about being attacked by Jos Verstappen’s father.

14. Felipe Massa: After crashing out of nearly every session as a rookie with Sauber in 2002, Massa took a year off to test with Ferrari. If he keeps his head down and continues to work hard, he could easily become the next Rubens Barrichello.



Cristiano da Matta. Photo by Brousseau Photo.


13. Cristiano Da Matta: Da Matta waffled heavily about making the step up to the big leagues after winning the CART championship in 2002. That should have told Toyota that he was too timid for the cutthroat world of F1. Maybe Newman Haas will take him back next year.

12. Zsolt Baumgartner: As the worst driver on the worst team, you have to pull for this guy at least a little bit. Zsolt’s best quality is his first name. Zsolt. Zsolt. Zsolt. I can’t stop saying it. Zsolt. Zsolt.

11. Giancarlo Fisichella: Is Fisi really Italian? He seems to lack the fervor and flare inherent in most of his countrymen. Is he just sad because he knows he’ll never land a drive with Ferrari? Probably.

10. David Coulthard: This will probably turn out to be Coulthard’s final season in F1, and that’s a bit sad. I’m really going to miss all of those square-head jokes.



Nick Heidfeld at pitwall. Photo by Brousseau Photo.


9. Nick Heidfeld: Heidfeld is the consummate “little guy,” both literally and figuratively. The former Mercedes employee who was shunned by McLaren in favor of Kimi Raikkonen must be laughing his head off about the fact that he currently has more points in the disastrous Jordan than his Finn ex-teammate this season.

8. Michael Schumacher: Love him or hate him, you have to admit that Schumi is the king of Formula One. Unless you’re a Ferrari fan or a shameless bandwagoneer, however, his winning ways have worn thin. Nevertheless, it’s nice to see that he still appears to enjoy his success on the podium, and I have this weird feeling that deep down he’s actually not a bad guy. At least compared to Ralf.



Jarno Trulli. Photo by LAT Photographic.


7. Jarno Trulli: It was nice to see Trulli capture his first win at Monaco, and it was extremely touching to hear him dedicate his performance to his former engineer who was recently diagnosed with inoperable cancer. If you’re into wearing fruity headbands and sporting corny little ponytails on top of your head, this is your guy.

6. Christian Klien: As part of a promotional stunt for the upcoming film Ocean’s 12, Jaguar agreed to have a pair of diamonds worth about $350,000 each imbedded in the nosecones of both cars at Monaco. Klien immediately went out and crashed nose-first into the guardrail on the opening lap of the race. The diamond, obviously, was lost. This is easily the funniest thing that has ever happened in the history of Formula One, and therefore Klien has my utmost respect.



Jenson Button. Photo by LAT Photographic.


5. Jenson Button: He’s young, he’s English, and the femmes think he’s a big cutie-pie. Oddly enough, I don’t hold that against him. For a while, it appeared that Jenson was taking a long walk on the short “F1 playboy” plank, but apparently his awful stint at Renault turned him around. He has become a solid driver and appears to be a hard worker. As long as he can avoid having a fling with Britney Spears, he’ll have an excellent career.

4. Fernando “Fred” Alonso: I like this kid. He’s lightning-quick and he has the potential to be a world champion with more experience. Though some have accused him of being rather dull, on occasion you can see the fire in his eyes. Fred’s tirade against Ralf Schumacher after he crashed in the tunnel at Monaco while trying to lap the Williams driver was top-notch. Anyone who publicly trashes Ralf has to be okay in my book.



Mark Webber. Photo by Jaguar Cars and Wieck Media Services, Inc..


3. Mark Webber: The word “machismo” has been missing from the F1 lexicon since the retirement of Nigel Mansell’s moustache. Luckily, Mark Webber has brought it back. Webber is a man’s man. He’s 6’1”. He’s Australian. He’s hairy. Oh, and he’s a hell of a driver, too. If Williams rings his number for next season, we could be looking at a future world champion.

2. Juan Pablo Montoya: Vibrant, fiery, and fast, JPM is easily one of the most entertaining figures in F1, both on and off the track. He’s easily the best overtaker in the sport, quite possibly one of the best ever, and his confrontations with MS are becoming legendary. Too bad he’s a lame duck on a team with a sketchy car.

1. Takuma Sato: Yes, that’s right. Takuma Sato is my number one guy. To be dead honest, I’m not exactly sure why that is. Maybe it’s because he drives with a seemingly reckless abandon and is not afraid to take incredibly insane chances during overtaking maneuvers. I could almost hear him screaming “Banzai!” as he dove wildly under Barrichello in the first turn at the Nurburgring.



Takuma Sato. Photo by LAT Photographic.


Maybe it’s because he seems so friendly, humble, thoughtful, and well-spoken during press conferences, completely the opposite of what you would expect him to be like after seeing him in the car. Or maybe it’s because I’ve watched every episode of Most Extreme Elimination Challenge at least 50 times and have developed an obsession with wacky Japanese pop culture. It’s probably the latter. Regardless, Sato is the man that I will personally be pulling for on June 20th.

So there you have it: my breakdown of every current F1 driver’s “rootability” factor. Hopefully this will help a few of my fellow Americans determine who they want to support until the next US-born driver comes along in… oh… let’s say, 2027.

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Sorry that the pics are missing. Overall I think it's a good writeup.

http://motorsport.com/magazine/feature.asp?C=OverTheWall&D=2004-06-17