British Telecom service :)

At the risk of this being a repost.......

The British do have a way with words. A real-life
customer complaint letter sent to NTL (from their
complaints dept):

Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001,
when I signed
up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem,
and telephone. During this three-month period I have
encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously
considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of
monolithic proportions.

Please allow me to provide specific details, so that
you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and
seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so
that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while
away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee
on the bog in your office:

My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting
in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat
arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not
arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating
hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling
me to look at your helpful website.... HOW? I alleviated the
boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an
activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly
adept.

The rescheduled installation then took place some
two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a
number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.
Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After
15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem arrived... six weeks
after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it. I estimate
your internet servers downtime is roughly 35%... hours between
about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend.

I am still waiting for my telephone connection.
have made 9 calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have
been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of
disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled
bollock jugglers. I have been informed that a telephone line
is available (and someone will call me back); that
will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not
telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be
transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer
machine informing me that your office is closed); that
will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to
the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other
variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as
you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to
ignore, and also another one of those crucially important
testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more
satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to
shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore,
if I continue.

I thought BT were ****, that they had attained the
holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no one,
anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more
obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I
chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there?
How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my
considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless
shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces
of distended rectum - incompetents of the highest
order.

British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine
like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire
of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that
I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive
any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any
potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services
which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to
deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with
hilarity and disbelief - quickly be replaced by derision, and
even perhaps bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great
care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and
complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I
sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during
transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and
I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not
experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture.

Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings
towards NTL, and its worthless employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in your
miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly
unhelpful bunch of ****s.