A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies. "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. "I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars." The guy says. "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" "Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that sh*t."
A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: "SWIFT BOAT HERO For Sale." He rings the bell and the RICH WIFE SETS DOWN HER KETCHUP and tells him that the HERO is in the DOGHOUSE. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a WASHED UP EX-PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the guy replies. "So, what's your story?" The guy looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk OUT OF BOTH SIDES OF MY MOUTH when I was pretty young and I wanted to GO INTO POLITICS, so I told the GULLIBLE LIBERALS about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from STATE to STATE, sitting in rooms with SPECIAL INTEREST GROUPS and TREE HUGGERS, because no one figured a LIBERAL would be LISTENING FOR ANYTHING THAT MADE SENSE. I was one of their most valuable CANDIDATES for two years running. "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any SMARTER so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the KENNEDY COMPOUND to do some SEVERE BROWN NOSING, mostly wandering near SUSPICIOUS DRUNK CHARACTERS IN WET CLOTHING and listening in. "I uncovered some incredible DOUBLETALK and SOME TRUTH SEEKING REPUBLICANS AWARDED ME a batch of medals WHICH I PROMPTLY THREW AWAY DURING A PROTEST. I got DIVORCED and REMARRIED AN EVEN RICHER WIDOW and BOUGHT A NEW SPORT UTILITY GAS GUZZLER and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the WAR HERO. "Ten dollars." The RICH WIFE says. "This GUY is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" "Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that sh*t."
