Rodney Dangerfield jokes: 1. I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ... I'd have had nothing to play with. 2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home." I went over. Nobody was home. 3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel. 4. One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said "Because you came home early." 5. Its been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom. 6. I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up. 7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio. 8. I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. She just liked me as a friend. 9. I'm so ugly...My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet. 10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry We did everything we could, but he pulled through." 11. I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness...AFTER I was born. 12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. 13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide." 14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Wednesday. 15. I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get. 16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect." 17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. 18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff. 19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times -three of those times I was reading it. 20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control. 21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair. 22. Even as a kid I got no respect. I was so short that I had to blow my nose through my fly. 23. When I was young, hey, I was a great lover. The women, they'd yell, they'd moan, they'd scratch my back. But I wouldn't take no for an answer.
My wife and I, we're very different. She likes to give to the homeless, I like to give to the topless... RIP Rodney, we all miss you. Dom
Thats great "One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said "Because you came home early."" Who was him ?
"That's the worst looking hat I ever saw..it should come with a bowl of soup...looks good on you, though" My dentist is no bargain either. I told him I had yellow teeth...he told me to get a brown necktie. I picked up a seashell to listen to the ocean...it told me to get off the beach I'm half jewish and half Japanese...in fact, I was circumcised at Benihana's He will always be my absolute favorite.
"Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity." "Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it." "Hey everybody, we're all gonna get laid." "Your a lot of woman, you know that? Yeah, wanna make 14 dollars the hard way?" Caddyshack is one of the best movies ever