Joke.

Steve, I decide that it's about time I got in some exercise, and so I've started going to a new gym. They have a radical new approach to keep fit. The instructor says that conventional weight lifting and power lifting are a thing of the past. The latest method is called "PORNO LIFTING". You have to close your eyes, think of some disgustingly obscene deviant act, and then VOILA!! You go for the lift like so
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She says all I do is give her a "hard" time

 

This was me before the weight lifting
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This one might not last long, even though it doesn't show any full frontal.





Any one for tree transplants?
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Must have been when he had only 8 cylinders

 

Steve,
as you still have PMT this might help explain the mood swings M8.
See you later.
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Couldn't have been me m8, I can't count that high

 

Question: What is a bastard exactly?


Quite often we ask ourselves hard to answer questions, like,
“What is a bastard?”


And we wax philosophic with metaphysical postulations, incomplete aphorisms, and inconsistent sophisms that make one more and more sure that the only true thing is that a picture is worth a thousand words.


In this photo, the guy on the right is a member of a bomb squad in the middle of a deactivation.


The guy behind him, well, he's a bastard.
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Some of the finest double entendres on British TV & Radio


Michael Burke on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."

Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."

'Winning Post's' Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."

Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."

Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."

Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."

The new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away..."My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."

Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."

Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."

Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

 

WORDS WOMEN USE
******************************
FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows! )
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."

GO AHEAD!
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"

 

Did George bush have coaching before his election campaign?
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Why I Fired My Secretary
Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that
morning.
I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy
Birthday!" and probably have a present for me. As it turned out, she didn't
even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday. I thought, well, that's
wives for you, the children will remember... The children came in to
breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I was
feeling pretty low and despondent... As I walked into my office, my
secretary Janet said, "Good morning, Boss. Happy Birthday!" And I felt a
little better that someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet
knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside,
and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By
George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. "Let's go!" We went to
lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private
little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way
back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't
need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said,
"Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss,
if you don't mind I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something
more comfortable." She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she
came out carrying a huge birthday cake --- followed by my wife, children,
and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.

And I just sat there --- on the couch --- naked.