Joke.

>1. You leave clubs before the end to "beat the rush".
>
>2. You get more excited about having a roast on a Sunday than going
>clubbing.
>
>3. You stop dreaming of becoming a professional footballer and start
>dreaming of having a son who might instead.
>
>4. Before throwing the local paper away, you look through the property
>section.
>
>5. You prefer Later with Jools Holland to Top of the Pops.
>
>6. All of a sudden, Tony Blair is not 46, he's only 46.
>
>7. Before going out anywhere, you ask what the parking is like.
>
>8. Rather than throw a knackered pair of trainers out, you keep them
>because
>they'll be all right for the garden.
>
>9. You buy your first ever T-shirt without anything written on it.
>
>10. Instead of laughing at the innovations catalogue that falls out of the
>newspaper, you suddenly see both the benefit and money saving properties of
>a plastic winter cover for your garden bench and an electronic mole
>repellent for the lawn. Not to mention the plastic man for the car to deter
>would-be thieves.
>
>13. Sure, you have more disposable income, but everything you want to buy
>costs between 200 and 500 quid.
>
>15. Pop music all starts to sound crap.
>
>16. You opt for Pizza Express over Pizza Hut because they don't have any
>pictures on the menus and anyway, they do a really nice half-bottle of
>house
>white.
>
>17. You become powerless to resist the lure of self-assembly furniture.
>
>18. You always have enough milk in.
>
>19. To compensate for the fact that you have little desire to go clubbing,
>you instead frequent really loud tapas restaurants and franchise pubs with
>wacky names in the mistaken belief that you have not turned into your
>parents.
>
>20. While flicking through the TV channels, you happen upon C4's Time Team
>with Tony Robinson. You get drawn in.
>
>21. The benefits of a pension scheme become clear.
>
>22. You go out of your way to pick up a colour chart from B&Q.
>
>23. You wish you had a shed.
>
>24. You have a shed.
>
>25. You actually find yourself saying "They don't make 'em like that
>anymore" and "I remember when there were only 3 TV channels" and "Of
>course,
>in my day...."
>
>26. Radio 2 play more songs you know than Radio 1 - and Jimmy Young has
>some
>really interesting guests on.
>
>27. Instead of tutting at old people who take ages to get off the bus, you
>tut at schoolchildren whose diction is poor.
>
>28. When sitting outside a pub you become envious of their hanging baskets.
>
>29. You make an effort to be in and out of the curry house by 11.
>
>30. You come face to face with your own mortality for the first time, and
>the indestructibility of the 20s gives way to a realisation that you are
>but
>passing through this life and if you don't settle down soon and have kids
>you'll have no-one to look after you when you're old and frail and
>incontinent and you can't go on p**sing your life up against a wall forever
>and think of how many brain cells you're destroying every time a swift half
>turns into 10 pints, and look at that, a full set of stainless steel
>saucepans for 99 quid, they cost as much as 35 each if you buy them
>separately, and you get a milk pan thrown in, ...
>
>31. You find yourself saying "is it cold in here or is it just me?"
>

 

Alledgedly
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can't remember if a repost so here goes again (maybe)
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A tour guide attempting to explain British politics to American tourists remarked, "Tony Blair has been in Labour for years".

To which a yank responded, "When's he gonna deliver?"

 

Yep I'd like to know the answer to that one too

Which reminds me - What's the difference between God and Tony Blair?






























God doesn't think he's Tony Blair !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" She bundled him in the closet stark naked. The husband however became suspicious, and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him. "I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone." "What are you doing in there?" "I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths." "And where are your clothes?" asked the husband. The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards!"


==========================================================

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little amused, explains to the woman that they don't sell rectum deodorant and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more. "I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any." "But I always get it here," the blonde protests. "Do you have the container it came in?" asks the pharmacist. "YES!" says the blonde, "I'll go home and get it." She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who examines it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant." Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads aloud from the container, "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM!"

 

JoJo and Bobo wus ridin' to Tuscaloosa one day, and being a long ride, it got kinda boring.

So JoJo turns to Bobo an sez: Bobo, how 'bout we play 20 questions?

Bobo sez: Whell, what's that?


JoJo: It's when I think of suppin' and you ask questions til you guess what it is.

Bobo says; OK, you start.

So, JoJo thinks for a minute, and thinks of .....something.

.....


So, Bobo starts: Can you eat it?

JoJo: Well, I guess you can eat it.

Bobo: Is it a horse's ****?

JoJo: Dang, yer goooood.

 

A newlywed couple was relaxing at the beach. Suddenly the woman
jumps up and starts yelling, "something just flew into my
vagina! Do something!" The husband rushes her to a local
hospital where an x-ray is performed on her. A few minutes later
her doctor comes back with the results. "Mrs. Davis, apparently
a wasp flew into you, but fear not, there is a simple solution."
He discusses it quietly with the husband, "all you do is rub
some honey on the head of your penis, insert it and as soon as
you feel the wasp yank your penis out and the wasp should fly
out."

Due to the stressful situation, the husband could not get hard,
so the doctor said, "Due to the circumstances, why don't I do
the deed?" After discussing the matter, the couple agreed that
there is no other choice. So the doctor removed his clothes,
rubbed the honey and penetrated her, then he began thrusting in
and out, faster and faster. The husband grabbed him and yelled,
"What the **** are you doing?" To which the doctor replied,
"Change of plan. I decided to drown the bastard!"

 

A guy looking for a job finds that a certain mill is hiring
lumberjacks. So he goes out to the mill and talks to the foreman
who tells him all about the job, pay, and housing for all of the
lumberjacks. Everything looks perfect and the guy is ready to go
to work at once.

But when he was walking around he noticed that there weren't any
women around. So he pulls the foreman aside and asks him what
everyone does for sex. The foreman laughs and brings him over to
this big tree that has a hole in it. "This is the f*cking tree.
Whenever you get horny, come over and put your dick in the hole
and f*ck away. Trust me, it does the trick every time." The man
thinks it's kind of odd, but takes the job anyway.

The days go by and soon the man gets horny. He thinks about
taking it out on the tree, but it still seems weird to him, so
he goes to his room and jacks off. A week passes and the guy
gets hornier and hornier and jacking off isn't enough for him.
So finally he figures, "What the hell," and sneaks over to the
f*cking tree in the middle of the night, whips out his dick and
puts it in the hole. To his surprise, it feels great! Soon
enough he starts to f*ck the **** out of it. After a great
session he goes back to bed with a big smile.

The next day after a hard day of work, he makes another visit to
the tree and it's even better this time. Again he pounds away at
the tree. He can't believe how amazing the tree is and wonders
what kind of magic tree they have. Things just couldn't get
better for him.

The following day, he runs to the tree after work, hurriedly
takes out his dick and puts it into the sweet warm f*cking tree.
The tree just gets better and better everyday. He goes at it
again, and afterwards can hardly walk.

The next day all he can think about is going back to the ****ing
tree. Every tree that he cuts down is one less tree in his way
of the f*cking tree. Finally the day is done, and he takes off
for the tree. Pulls out his dick, grabs hold of the tree, and
shoves it in. Nothing. The man is shocked. He tries again, but
still nothing. Feeling very frustrated, the man storms off to
the foreman. "What's wrong with the f*cking tree? I've been
there three times already and it's been better each time, but
today, I ran up to it, stuck my dick in and nothing happened.
What the hell happened?" The foreman thinks for a second and
then says, "Oh yeah, I know, didn't they tell you? Today's your
day in the tree."