One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister." Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."
At the end of a tiny deserted bar is a huge scouser bloke 6ft 5in tall and 350lbs. He's having a few beers when a short, well dressed and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him. After 3 or 4 beers, the gay fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Liverpudlian. Leaning over, he cups his huge ear "Do you want a bl*w job?" he whispers. At this, the massive Merseysider leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face. Knocking him off the stool, he proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar. Finally he leaves him, badly bruised, in the car park and returns to his seat as if nothing had happened. Amazed the bartender quickly brings over another beer. "I've never seen you react like that" he says "Just what did he say to you?" "I'm not sure" the big scouser replies. "Something about a job." ############################################################### Q. If you see a Scouser on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him? A: It might be your bicycle ############################################################## Q: Why does the River Mersey run through Liverpool? A: Because if it walked it would be mugged ############################################################## Q: What do you call a Scouser in a three-bed semi? A. A Burglar ############################################################## Q: What do you call a Scouser in a tie? A. The accused ############################################################## Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in Merseyside? A: Because God couldn't find three wise men and a v*rgin ################################################################ Q: What is the difference between a Scouser and a coconut? A: One's thick and hairy, and the other's a coconut ################################################################## Q: What do you say to a scouser in a uniform? A: Big Mac and fries please ################################################################## Q: What's the first question at a Liverpool pub quiz night? A: What you looking at? ################################################################## Q: What do you call a scouser in a White Shellsuit ? A: The Bride
Hi Andrew on top form again A kid came home from school and asked his dad, "Dad, I heard some kids talking about a thing called a vagina. What is a vagina, and what does it look like?" "Well, son, before sex it looks like a beautiful unopened rose." "Wow, what does it look like after sex?" "Well, son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonaise?" Image Unavailable, Please Login Image Unavailable, Please Login Image Unavailable, Please Login Image Unavailable, Please Login
These are getting bad What did the thirsty whale do? Bit the tail of a submarine and sucked out all the seamen.
Ancient Chinese Torture A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?" "Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man." "Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy. He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."
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Three words that describe Britney Spears My computer is like Britney Spears; cheap, white, and plastic.
The taste of a new generation What do Brittany Spears and PEPSI have in common? They both have plastic juggs.
A collection of insults! Even your best friend cheats on you and lies to you, and that's the best friend you can get. I don't think you are a fool. But then, what's my own humble opinion against thousands of others? Nobody says that you are dumb. They just say you were sixteen years old before you learned how to wave goodbye. People say that you are the perfect idiot. I say that you are not perfect, but you are doing alright. Ordinarily people live and learn. You just live. The mind reader had a very busy day today reading minds. You were a vacation for him. I thought of you all day today when I was at the zoo. When you talk, other people get hoarse just listening. I would say that you are barking up the wrong tree, but that is your natural voice. I reprimanded my brother for mimicking you. I told him not to act like a fool. I'm very careful of how I express my opinions of you because I want to put as much vituperation in them as possible. I don't hold your behavior against you because I realize it was caused by childhood trauma; your parents spanked you when you fell on your head and broke the cement.
The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having adrink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me." So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough." The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative enough." Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine."
Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all that dog food Fido wouldn't eat? Shut up and eat your meat loaf. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Mommy, Mommy! When are we going to have Aunt Edna for dinner? Shut up, we haven't even finished your Grandmother yet. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Mommy, Mommy! I hate my sister's guts. Shut up and eat what's put in front of you. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Mommy, Mommy! What is a deliquent child? Shut up, light your cigarette, drink your whisky and deal those cards. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Mommy, Mommy! What is a deliquent child? Shut up and pass me the crowbar.
One day a guy goes to his doctor and says, "Doc I have these real bad headaches. What should I do?" The doctor replies, "Well, to get rid of my headaches I just have sex with my wife." They both laugh. A week later the patient returns. The doctor asks, "How are you feeling?" The patient smiles and replies" You were right! I feel so much better. And, by the way, Doc, you have a lovely home."
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Once there were two farmers. One had a daughter and the other had a son. When thier kids were teenagers they started dating, and the two farners encouraged it. One day the girl's father went over to the other farmer's house and said that he didn't want thier children dating anymore. The boy's father asked, "Why not?" The other farmer said, "Come here and I'll show you." In his yard was the girl's name written in pee in the snow. The boy's father said, "Oh, come on, that's just boy stuff." The other farmer said, "You think I dont' know my own daughter's handwriting?"
Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung? A: You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck! Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do? A: Shoot the lawyer twice. Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A: A good start! Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? A: His lips are moving. Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? A: There are skid marks in front of the dog. Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers? A: Professional courtesy. Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? A: Not enough sand. Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers? A: To practice. A command was given to a dog: "SPEAK!" The dog said in return: "Not without my lawyer present!" Q: Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop? A: Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and nightcrawlers Q: Why are there so many lawyers in the U.S.? A: Because St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland. Q: What?s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo? A: The lawyer charges more.
I love animals, they taste great. EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later. "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes." Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. He who laughs last thinks slowest! Give me ambiguity or give me something else. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?" In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something." Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
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No doubt, thread of the year. >HOW TO POO AT WORK > >We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in >our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we >try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POO is inevitable. For those >who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump >at work. > > >CROP DUSTING >When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your >area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be >careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. > Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants. > >FLY BY >The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for >other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back >again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become >suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom. > >ESCAPEE >A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in >a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If >you release an ESCAPEE, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. >If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not >hear it. No one likes an ESCAPEE. It is uncomfortable for all involved. >Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy. > >JAILBREAK >When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is >usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do >not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to >spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred. > >COURTESY FLUSH >The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This >reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This >can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME. > >WALK OF SHAME >Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk >up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks >in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does >not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH. > >OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER >A colleague who poos at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an >OUT OF THE CLOSET enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his >or her arm. Always look around the office for the OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER >before entering the bathroom. > >THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) >A group of co-workers, typically women, who band together to ensure >emergency pooing goes off without incident. This group can help you to >monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOERS, and identify SAFE >HAVENS. > >SAFE HAVENS >A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect >visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will >reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the bathroom. > >TURD BURGLAR >Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force >the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that >can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall >until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye >contact. > >CAMO-COUGH >A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in >a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential >TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE. > >ASTAIRE >A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are >occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If >you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in >peace. > >WATERMELON >A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also >an embarrassing incident. If you feel a watermelon coming on, create a >diversion. See CAMO-COUGH. > >HAVANA OMELET >A case of diarrhea that creates series of loud splashes in the toilet water. >Often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE. > >UNCLE TED >A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended >lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED >makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait >to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other >bathroom attendees.
There were three men working at the top of a building. One was Chinese, one was Mexican, and the other one was Polish. At lunch they went to the edge and the top of the building. The Mexican guy pulled out a taco and said, "If I get another taco tomorrow, I am gonna jump off this bulding." The Chinese guy pulled out fried rice and said, "If I get fried rice tomorrow, I'm gonna jump off with you." The Polish guy pulled out a ham sanwich and said, "If I get another ham sandwich, I'm gonna jump tomorrow with you guys too." The next day the Mexican guy got a taco, so he jumped off the building. The Chinese guy got fried rice, so he jumped off. The Polish guy got a ham sandwich, so he jumped off. The next day their wives had a triple funeral. The Mexican guy's wife was crying, and she said, "I could have made him a burrito or something." The Chinese guy's wife was cring and said, "I could have made him some sushi." The Polish guy's wife couldn't stop laughing. The other's asked her what she thought was so funny, and she replied, "My husband always made his own lunch."
What Are Politics? A kid goes to his dad and asks, "Dad, what are politics?" His dad replies, " Put it this way; I am the breadwinner of the family so I am capatilism. Your mom is the owner of the money so she is government. The government is the provider for the people so you are the people. Your baby brother will be the future, and the nanny is the working class. Now think about that." So he went to bed. He was woken by his brother. The baby had pooped in his daiper. He went to tell his parents, but he only found his mom asleep in the bed. He didn't want to wake her, so he went to the nanny. The door was locked. He checked through a hole and saw the dad in bed with the nanny. He went back to bed. The next morning, he went to his dad and said, "Dad i know what you mean now." "You do? Tell me." "OK, while capatilism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, while the people are watching the future being pooped on!!!"
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