Must Call My Mom A blonde goes into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland. When the man tells her it will be $300 she exclaims, "I don't have any money. But I would do anything to get a message to my mother in Poland." To that the man asks, "Anything?" And the blonde says "Yes...anything!" With that, the man says "Follow me." He walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door." She does!! He then says, "Get on your knees." She does. He then says, "Take down my zipper." She does. He then says, "Go ahead... Take it out." With that, she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands. The man then says, "Well. Go ahead!" She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips she says, "Hello? Mom?"
Young Love Little Mary and Little Johnny were 8 years old. They fell madly in love and wanted to get married so they went to Mary's dad and told him they were to get married. Mary's father thought this was very cute and questioned them, "But where will you live?" Little Johnny had thought of everything so he replied, "Mary's room is bigger than mine so we would live there". "Very good" replied Mary's father. "And where would you get money to survive?" asked Mary's dad. "I get $10 a week in allowance," said Johnny, "and Mary gets $5, so we would have enough to survive." Mary's father was thinking how cute that they have all this planned but was sure they would not have an answer for his next question. So he asked, "But what if Mary and you have little babies, what then?" Little Johnny replied, "I wouldn't worry about that one. I will just keep doing her up the a** like I have been!"
One day a cucumber, pickle and a penis were all discussing how much their lives suck. The cucumber says, "I get picked from my home, sliced up, and thrown a salad. My life sucks the most." The pickle then says, "I get picked from my home, shoved in a jar, submerged in liquid thats smells awful. So my life sucks the most." The penis then says, "Oh please! My life definitely sucks the most. I get a tarp wrapped over my head, stuck in a wet black hole, and rammed against a wall until I vomit."
A lady walks into her doctors office screaming. She yells, "Doctor, Doctor my breasts are hairy! What do I do?" The doctor asks, "Well, how long does the hair grow?" The lady replies, "From here to my penis, but that's a different story!"
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The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words. She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more than one syllable. "Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?" "After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday." "Great Jane. That has two syllables, Mon......day" "Does anyone know another word." "I do! I do!" replied Johnny. Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead. "OK Mike, what is your word." "Saturday." says Mike. "Great, that has three syllables..." Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says "I know a four syllable word. Pick me! Pick me!" Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says, "O.K. Johnny what is your four syllable word?" Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion." Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says, "Wow, Johnny. Four syllables! That's certainly is a mouthful." "No Ma'am, you're thinking of 'blowjob', that's only two syllables!"
The wives of four presidents and prime minister are talking together about how a penis is called in their language. The wife of Tony Blair says that, in England, people call it a gentleman, because it stands up when women are entering. The wife of Boris Yeltsin says that, in Russia, you call it a patriot, because you never know if it will hit you on the front or on the back side. The wife of Chirac says that, in France, you call it a curtain, because it goes down after the act. Well the wife of Clinton says in the USA, you call it a rumour, because it goes from mouth to mouth.
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Three dogs are at the vet in the waiting room. When the first dog asks the second dog what he's in for, he answers, "My master bought a brand new carpet the other day, and at the first opportunity I soiled it, so now I've been brought here to be put to sleep. So what are you here for?" The first dog replies grimly, "I'm also being put to sleep. My master had a table with a collection of expensive vases and while I was chasing my tail I accidently bumped into the table and broke them all." The two dogs then look over and ask the third dog what he's in for. The third dog answers, "The reason I'm here is the other day my master stepped out of the shower and she bent over. I couldn't resist, so I jumped her from behind and took her like a wild animal!" "So I guess you're also here to be put to sleep?" says the first dog. The third dog answers, "Nope, I'm here to get my nails clipped!"
Osama and Saddam are walking through a desert when they come across a fence where a goat has his head stuck. Saddam looks at Osama, Osama looks at Saddam and Osama smiles, drops his pants, and starts goin to town with this goat, just tearin' his ass up. After Osama is done, he says, "Alright, Saddam, your turn." And Saddam drops his draws, grabs his ankles, and sticks his head in the fence.
Yo mama''s so nasty, I came over and asked what''s for dinner and she opened her legs and said "TUNA SUPRISE!"
Two nuns from France were coming to New York. While awaiting their landing, one nun looks at the other and says, "Over here in America, they have strange customs." "Really? Like what?" says the other. "Over here, they eat dogs." Astounded, the other gasps, "DOGS! No way! Really?" "Yeah, they sure do." "Well, I guess we'll have to just get us some so that we can try to fit in." After they landed, they went to Central Park to a hot dog stand and ordered. "Two dogs, please!" the nuns said. Afterwards, they went to a park bench to eat their dogs. When one nun unwrapped hers, she blushed. She turned to the other nun and reluctantly asked, "Er, um...which part did you get?"
A sailor walked into a bar with a small head. The bartender asked what happened. The sailor said, "My boat sank. I was adrift for 3 days when I saw a mermaid." She said, "I will grant you three wishes." The sailor continued, "I wished there was a boat and suddenly I heard 'toot toot' for there was a boat on the horizon. Then I wished I looked like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and I did." Then I said, "I wish you would give me a little head."
America has finally captured Saddam Hussein! They sprayed a field with Viagra, and the prick stood up!
A local law enforcement officer stopped a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he was in a good mood that day he decided to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name." Fred" he replies. "Fred what?" the officer asks. "Just Fred" the man responds. When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nutcase on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?" The man replies... "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS. Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling MD DDS with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred."
My First Time The sky was dark, The moon was high, All alone, Just her and I. Her hair so soft, Her legs so fine, I ran me fingers, down her spine. I didnt know how, I tried my best, To touch her breast. I remembered my fear, But slowly she spread, Her legs apart, And when she did, I felt no shame. All at once, The white stuff came out! At last. It's finished. It's all over... My first time, Milking a cow.
A man goes to the nursing home to visit his 84 year-old father. While there he notices the nurse is giving his father hot chocolate and Viagra. The man asks, "Why are you doing that? I mean, at his age what will it do for him?" The nurse explains, "The hot chocolate will help him sleep." The man says, "And the Viagra?" "Keeps him from falling out of bed."
A beautiful woman loved to garden, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a stroll she came upon a neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes red?" The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much." The woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best. One day the gentlemen was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?" "No" she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."
