Joke.

In school one day, the teacher decided that in science class she would teach about the elements. So she stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw element in the world what would it be?"
Little Stevie raised his hand and said, "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche."

The teacher nodded and called on little Susie.

Little Susie said, "I would want platinum, because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Ferrari"

The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny. Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicon."

The teacher said, "Why Johnny?"

He responded by saying, "Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!"

 

There is this old couple and they have been married for a long time. They hadn't had sex in a while, so the wife goes out and buys some crotch less underwear.
She goes home and puts them on and goes downstairs. Her husband is sitting in the living room watching sports on tv and she goes and sits in front of him, but he tries to look aroung her at the tv.

She opens her legs and says, "You want some of this?"

The husban replies, "Hell no, look what it did to your underwear."

 

A woman wearing a strapless gown and sporting a necklace with an airplane as the locket sees a young man staring at her at length during a party.
After the party the woman asks: "Wear you admiring my airplane?"

Man:"No, I was admiring the landing field."

 

A Redheaded mom walks into her daughter's room, finds a beer bottle and says, "I never knew my daughter drank!"
A Brunette walks into her daughter's room, finds a pack of cigarettes and says, "I never knew my daughter smoked!"

A Blond mom walks into her daughter's room and finds a condom.

She says, "I never knew my daughter had a penis!"

 

Q: What do puppies and gynecologists have in common?






A: Wet noses.

 

Confucius Say: Lady who give kiss like spider, lead to the undoing of the fly.

 

A trucker picks up a hitchhiker who climbs up in the cab and notices a monkey on the dashboard.
After a few miles, he asks the driver what the monkey is for.

The driver says "I'll show you," and with that he hits the monkey with the back of his hand, sending the poor creature rolling across the dash.

The monkey goes down between the drivers legs, unzips his pants, pulls out his unit and proceeds to give the trucker oral gratification.

When finished, the monkey pulls out a tissue, cleans the driver up, puts everything back and jumps back up on the dashboard.

"See that?" said the trucker.

The man said, "Yeah."

The trucker ask the man, "You want to try it?"

The man said, "OK, but don't hit me as hard as you hit that monkey!"

 

A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in.
The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.

“Breast fed,” the woman replied.

“Well, strip down to your waist,” the doctor asked. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.

Motioning for her to get dressed he said, “No wonder this baby is under weight! You don’t have any milk.”

“I know,” she said, “I’m his grandmother, but I’m glad I came.”

 

While going through his wife’s dresser drawers, a farmer discovered three soybeans and an envelope containing $30 in cash. The farmer confronted his wife, and when asked about the curious items, she confessed:
“Over the years, I haven’t been completely faithful to you.”

“When I did fool around, I put a soybean in the drawer to remind myself of my indiscretion,” she explained.

The farmer admitted that he had not always been faithful either, and therefore, was inclined to forgive and forget her few moments of weakness.

“I’m curious though,” he said, “Where did the thirty dollars come from?”

“Oh that, ” his wife replied, “Well, when soybeans hit ten dollars a bushel, I sold out!”

 

Things Couldn't Be Nurse

A man is lying in bed in a hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I''m only here to wash your face and hands."

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"

Again the nurse replies, "I can''t tell. I''m only here to wash your face and hands."

The ward nurse passes by and sees the man getting a little distraught so she marches over to inquire what is wrong.

"Nurse," he mumbles, "Are my testicles black?"

Being a nurse she is undaunted. She whips back the bedclothes, pulls down his pajama trousers, moves his penis out of the way, has a good look, pulls up the pajamas, replaces the bedclothes and announces, "Nothing is wrong with them."

At this the man pulls off his oxygen mask and asks again,

"Are my test results back?"

 

There's a woman in hospital in a coma. The nurse notices that every time
she sponge bathes the woman around the crotch her vital signs, according
to the nearby monitor, increase significantly. The nurse gets the bright
idea that oral sex might just provide the stimulus to bring the woman out
of her coma, so she calls the woman's husband, and he agrees. When he
arrives at the hospital, the nurse ushers him into the room, closes the
curtains around the bed, and closes the door. Five minutes later, the man
comes rushing out of the room screaming that all his wife's vital signs
have plummeted to zero, and she needs a doctor immediately. The nurse,
upset that her idea hadn't worked, and in fact might have endangered the
life of the patient she sought to save, asked the husband what had
happened. "I'm not sure, but I think she choked."

 

Bank President's Balls

An elderly woman walked into the main office of Chase Manhattan
Bank building, holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told
the young man at the teller's window that she wished to deposit
the $3 million in the bag and open an account at the bank. She
said that first, though, she wished to meet the president of the
bank due to the amount of money involved. The teller thought
that to be a reasonable request, and, after opening the bag and
seeing bundles of $1000 bills, which amounted to approximately
$3,000,000, telephoned the bank president's secretary for an
appointment for the lady.

The woman was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president's
office. Introductions were made, and she stated that she liked
to get to know people she did business with on a more personal
basis. The president then asked her how she came into such a
large sum of cash. "Was it inherited?" he asked. "No," she
replied. He was quiet for several seconds, trying to think of
where this elderly lady could possibly have come into $3 million.

"I bet," she offered. "As in horses?". "No," she replied, "as in
people". Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bet
on different things with people. Suddenly, she said, "I'll bet
you 25,000 that by 10 o'clock tomorrow morning your balls will
be square."

The bank president figured she must be off her rocker and
decided to take her up on the bet. He didn't know how he could
lose. For the rest of the day, he was extremely cautious--he
decided to stay home that evening and take no chances. $25,000
was at stake.

When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to
make certain that everything was O.K. There was no change in his
scrotal appearance. He looked the same as always. He went to his
office and waited for the woman to come in at 10AM, humming as
he went. He knew this was his lucky day. How often did he get
handed $25,000 for doing nothing?

At 10 o'clock sharp, the woman was shown into his office. With
her was a man. When the bank president asked her what the other
man was with her for, she informed the president that he was her
lawyer and she always took him along when there was this much
money involved in her betting.

"Well," she asked, "what about our bet?" "I don't know how to
tell you this," he said, "but I'm the same as I've always been,
only $25,000 richer." The old lady asked him to drop his pants
so they could all see. The president complied. The old lady
peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel
them. "Well, okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of
money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he
noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the
wall. The president asked the old lady, "What's wrong with him?"
She replied, "Nothing, except that I bet him $100,000 that by
10am today I'd have the Chase Manhattan Bank's president's balls
in my hand."

 

LMAO Hi Andrew mate, nice to have you back and on form

 

What do you call a masturbating cow?





Beef Stroke-n-off

 

What do you call 88 rednecks in an orgy?









A family reunion.

 

Intellectual Bathroom Graffiti

Cindy Lou Edleman Performs Quality Sexual Favors
Your Mother and Father Are of the Same Genetic Background

Mexicans Smell Vaguely of Jalapenos

Last Night You Enjoyed Carnal Pleasures With Your Sister

Your Intelligence Quota is Dubious at Best

For a Moderate Fee I Believe Your Mother Would Fellate Me

You Have Had Intimate Relations With a Person of African Descent and You Shall Never Know the Love of a Caucasian Again.

You Look Upon Your Dog With Lust

Methinks You Have the Odor of Fecal Matter Upon You

I Partook in Intercourse with Your Sister’s Derriere

The Acne on Your Face Spreads Throughout Your Nether Regions

The People of France Know Not the Joys of Deodorant

A Hamster is Superior in Intelligence to Your Mother

For An Evening of Sordid Delights Involving Both Sadism and Masochism, Please Ring Mary at 212.555.5555

Ryan Beaugarde is Inadequate in the Ways of Oral Enjoyment

The Heavy Metal Rock Band Entitled Motley Crue is Quite First-Rate

Your Sexually Promiscuous Mother Can Be Found in the Phone Book Under "Whore"

Homosexuals Are Men Who Have Intercourse With Other Men. If You Participate in Such Activities You Are A Homosexual

Your Father’s Proclivities Lead Him to Engage in Relations with Livestock

President Bush is Missing a Chromosome

The Toilet Upon Which You Currently Sit is Sprayed with a Mixture of Vomit, Feces and Urine.

 

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?






A: An ironing board's legs are hard to open

 

When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know sex," he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said, "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothes and lay down on the ground. "Here," she said. "You must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer with his huge erection, and then gave her an almighty kick right in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony, but manages to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?"

"Tarzan check for bees."

 

Yo mama is so nasty I called her on the phone and she gave me an ear infection.

(groans that sucks)

 

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, her husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks. "They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies. The wife stops. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?" Without missing a beat the husband says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

 

Not to bad then Kev

 

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the post office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor says the man. I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."

"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me."

 

A Mexican walks into a bakery and asks, "Excuse me, may I have a bum, please?" The baker laughs and says, "Oh, you must mean a bun, sure, here you go." The Mexican next goes to the hardware store. He asks the clerk, "Excuse me, can I get a fu*ket here?" The clerk laughs and says, "Oh, you must mean a bucket. Of course!" The Mexican then goes to a pet shop. He asks the manager, "May i have a Cockandspankit?" The manager laughs and says. "I think i misunderstood you, you must mean a Cockerspaniel. On his way home, the Mexican loses the leash on his dog. The Mexican frantically runs after it and yells at a woman and asks, "Can you please hold my bum and fukc it, while I go get my cock and spank it?"

 

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."