Joke.

Mommy, Mommy! I like my brother very much.

All right, you can take another slice.


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Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to empty the compost heap.

Shut up and keep eating.


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Mommy, Mommy! I don't like fishing.

Shut up and stop squirming.


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Mommy, Mommy! Suzi got run over by a steamroller.

Shut up. I'm in the bathroom, slide her under the door.

[Alt answer] Shut up and get the maple syrup.


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"Come upstairs, son, like a good boy."

"No, Mommy, you'll only throw me down again."

 

A koala walks into a bar one night, slams his paw down on the table, and orders a drink. When he's done, slam goes his paw again for more. This goes on for about half an hour, and just when he was going to do it again, the barkeep told him if he was looking for a good time, there was someone in the back room who could help him, the koala decides why not and goes into the back room. There he meets a prostitute who is waiting for him. That night he has the best sex he has ever had. After the prostitute turns to the koala and says, "How about my money," the koala looked confused and the prostitute brought out a dictionary and it said...PROSTITUTE: Has sex for money.

So in response the koala turns to the definition for the koala and it says. KOALA: Eats bush and leaves.

 

LMAO Nice one Brandon.


Mommy, Mommy! Why do other kids tell me I have a big head?

Don't worry. Take your cap and go get me 40 lbs of potatoes at the store.


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Mommy, Mommy! Why do other kids tell me I have a long nose?

You don't, but lift your head up or you'll scrape the floor.


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Mommy, Mommy! Are you sure this is how to learn to swim?

Shut up and get back in the sack!


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Mommy, Mommy! How come sister gets to watch TV and I can't?

Shut up or I'll cut your ears off, too!


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Mommy, Mommy! Don't push me towards the elevator shAAAAAFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!

 

The English Language

Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?

Let's face it
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!

English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all)

That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this observation,
It ends.

 

A 47 year-old lady gets a facelift. It turns out very well and
she enjoys showing off her new look. She goes to the newsstand
and asks the man, ''Sir, how old do you think I am''? The man
replies ''You're 30, right?'' She says ''No, I'm 47, but nice
try.'' The next day, she goes to McDonald's. She orders her
lunch and asks the young man at the counter, ''How old do you
think I am?'' The man replies, ''You're 37, right?'' The lady
says ''No, I'm 47, but good guess.'' After lunch, she gets on
the bus and she asks an 85-year-old man how old she is. He
replies ''Lady, I can tell how old any woman is by sticking my
hand down her panties.'' So, quietly and quickly, she lets him
do so. He thinks a moment and announces, ''You're 47!'' The
lady, astonished, asks, ''How did you know?'' The old man
replies ''I was standing right behind you at McDonald's.''

 

A blonde went to a store to buy a new tv for herself. When she
got to the store she asked the clerk how much a tv cost. The
clerk said" I'm sorry we dont sell to blondes". The blonde feeling
a bit insulted walked away.

The next day the same blonde went to the same store wearing a
brunette wig. She asked the same clerk how much that same tv
cost. The clerk responded " I'm sorry we don't sell to blondes."
the blonde feeling a bit angry left the store.

Again the blonde went to the store. this time she had a redhead
wig on. She asked the same clerk how much the tv cost. Once
again the clerk answered " I am sorry we don't sell to blondes".
The blond feeling a bit frustrated left the store.

The next day the blonde went to the store with a black haired
wig on. She asked the clerk how much the t.v cost. Once again
the clerk said" I'm sorry we don't sell to blondes". The blonde was
very angry. She asked the clerk how could he tell she was a
blonde when she was wearing a wig.
The clerk said " well first of all this is not a tv its a
microwave.

 

There was a little boy who walked onto a public bus. The little
boy started raving on and on about the facts of life to the bus
driver.
He said "if my daddy were a bull and my mommy were a cow I'd be
a little bull. If my daddy was a monkey and my mommy was a
monkey I'd be a little monkey .If my daddy were a fish and my
mommy were a ..." when all of the sudden the bus driver got so
angered that he pulled the bus off the road and said to the boy
" what if your mommy was a prostitute and your daddy was
Gay”. The boy thinks for a moment and then states in a cute
little voice "I'd be a bus driver".

 

One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the lawyer said. But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place - the grass is almost a foot high!"

 

A man went to his doctor and asked him how to prolong the lovemaking experience. The doctor told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer, extending the pleasure for them and their partner.

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he came up with a plan.

On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.

Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover.

As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"

He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"

The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."

Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there, because your truck rolled down the hill five minutes ago."

 

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."

Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing.
Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.

The guy calms down and says: " Make 'em all ugly again."

 

Two Arabs are sitting in a Gaza Strip bar chatting over a pint of fermented goat's milk.

One pulls his wallet out and starts flipping through pictures and they begin reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son, he's a martyr!"

"You must be so proud", says the other.

"This is my second son, he is a martyr also!"

"A fine looking young man", replies his friend.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Arab says wistfully. They blow up so fast don't they?"

 

Some excellent stuff here guys

 

A little boy comes home from school and tells his father that his homework assignment is to find out the difference between “potentially” and “realistically.”

“Easy,” says his father. “First, ask Mom if she’d sleep with the mailman for a million dollars.”

The boy runs off, then comes back and says, “She said yes.”

“Now go ask your sister the same question,” advises the father.

Again the boy runs off, and again he comes back and says, “She said yes.”

“So, potentially, we’re sitting on two million dollars,” replies the father. “But, realistically, we’re living with a pair of whores.”

 

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

 

An Asian man walks into a New York Currency Exchange with 2000 yen. He receives $72.00 in American currency. The following week, the same Asian man walks into the same currency exchange. He again exchanges 2000 yen. This time, he receives $66.00 in American currency. The Asian man doesn't understand why he received less money, so he asks the clerk, "Why less money when same 2000 yen"

The clerk replies, "Fluctuations." As the Asian man prepares to leave, he turns, looks at the clerk and angrily says, "Fluck you Amelicans, too!"

 

A man walked in to his local butcher to find his regular butcher, John absent so he asks the manager, "Where's John?" The manager tells the man that John was fired because he was found sticking his dick in the meat slicer" Then the man asked, "Where is the meat slicer now?" The butcher then replied, "I fired her too."

 

Three boys were sitting on some steps watching cars go by. They see a Cadillac Escalade drive by and the first boy says, "I wish i could have that Cadillac. The second boy says, "I wish I could have that Lincoln Navigator behind it. The third boy says, "i wish my whole body was covered in curly hair because my sister has a small patch between her legs and that is how she got both of those cars.

 

LMAO....these jokes are so funny!!! Keep 'em coming

 

Q: What did the left leg say to the right leg?









A: That one in the middle thinks he's hard

 

A woman sat on a plane heading for New York, when the pilot annouces that because of difficulties with the plane's engines, he must make an emergency landing. The woman, fearing that this may be the end of her life looks over to a man sitting next to her and rips her shirt and bra off, and throws herself on him. "Make me feel like a woman again!" she screamed. So the man rips his shirt off and hands it to her. "Here you go, you crazy bitc*, iron this."

 

One day a man walks into a tatoo parlor and tells the tatto artist that he wanted a 100 dollar bill tatooed on his dick, the tattoo artist told him if he could give him three reasons why he wanted the tattoo he would give it to him. The man says. "Well, for one, I like to play with my money, two, I like to watch it grow, and three, if my wife wants to blow 100 dollars again, she doesnt have to go to the mall"

 

A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde are riding in an elevator. The redhead notices a spot on the elevator wall and says, "That looks like a cum stain!"
The brunette leans over and smells the stain. "Smells like a cum stain too!"

The blonde leans over and licks the spot on the elevator wall, then says, "Yep, but it's nobody from this building."

 

chicken and an egg are lying in bed when the chicken takes out a cigarette and begins to smoke. The egg, pis*ed off, takes one look at the chicken, rolls over and pulls the blanket over him and says, "I guess we answered that question!"

 

Two sperm are swimming in a women''s body. One sperm says to the other in exhaustion, "Whew, Just how far is the uterus anyway?" The second sperm begins to laugh and says, " The uterus!? We just past the esophogus."

 

HAHAHAHAHAHA