Joke.

Image Unavailable, Please Login
Image Unavailable, Please Login
Image Unavailable, Please Login
Image Unavailable, Please Login
Image Unavailable, Please Login

 

A women without arms or legs is sitting on a beach weeping. A guy walks by and asks her what''s wrong. She says, "I''ve never been kissed before." The man feels sorry for her and gives her a long passionate kiss and starts to walk away. As he''s walking he hears her start crying again so he goes back and asks her what''s wrong now. She says, "I''ve never had sex before."
The man sweeps her up in his arms, looks into her eyes, and tosses her into the water yelling, "You''re screwed now!!"

 

LMAO they pinned the ribbon on

 

Two hicks from West Virginia got married and were having their honeymoon in a local motel. They begin doing what honeymooners always do, but right before they consummate the marriage the woman says, "Be gentle, I'm a virgin."
The man is shocked and visibly upset and storms out of the room without saying a word. He goes home to his family and tells them what happened, and his dad agrees, "If she isn't good enough for her own family, she sure as hell isn't good enough for you!"

 

Image Unavailable, Please Login
Image Unavailable, Please Login
Image Unavailable, Please Login
Image Unavailable, Please Login

 

Top Ten Pick Up Lines Women Should Use

10. Wanna come play on my slip and slide?
9. If you were a naval captain, would you let me inspect your seamen?

8. This bra is so tight its uncomfortable.

7. You must know a good rain dance, cuz you’re making me wet.

6. Excuse me my lipstick rolled underneath your seat, mind if I get under you?

5. I was thinking of volunteering at the fire department, could I practice sliding down your pole?

4. How many licks does it take to get to the center of your tootsie pop?

3. Stick it in!!

2. Either I just spilled my drink in my lap or I’m really happy to see you.

1. Your face reminds me of a La-Z –Boy, I could sit on it all day long!

 

If a woman said that to me i would run

 

10 Things In Golf That Sound Dirty

1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.

 

A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, ''Well, you see that 3-pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.''
The son then asks his father, ''What's the 6-pack for?''

The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.''

Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for.
The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for.....''

 

60 Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where's the rest of it?

 

Put it on the wall where you work

 

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face and sharpen the old straight edge while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.
The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."

She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.

The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."
She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."

 

Image Unavailable, Please Login
Image Unavailable, Please Login
Image Unavailable, Please Login

 

LMAO I would not like to be in Teds shoes or hands.

 

50 Ways To Say “I Love You”

1. “If my heart were a baked potato, I’d serve it to you with extra butter and sour cream.”
2. “Your terrible personality isn’t so terrible after a few drinks and even when I sober up, it’s not as terrible as everyone says.”

3. “I’d shave my entire body with a dull, rusty razor blade and take a vinegar bath for you.”

4. “I am rubber, you are glue, any feelings you have for me bounce off and stick to you. Ironically, I feel the same way.”

5. “The other day I saw this little girl day drop her whole ice cream cone on the ground and start bawling. After I stopped laughing, I thought, “I’m the same way when you don’t call when you say you will.”

6. “I saw you in the morning, on the toilet, and I didn’t run screaming. So there.”

7. “Hug me. If you let go -- you lose.”

8. “Umm… like… you and me? Yeah. You and me.”

9. “You are to me what an eye patch and parrot is to a pirate.”

10. “You are the hole in my donut.”

11. “I am the pork, you are the beans.”

12. “You make me want to vomit little chocolate hearts.”

13. “You are my personal parachute.”

14. “If you were a margarita, I’d drink you by the bucket.”

15. “I really like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like you.”

16. “If I had my junior high dance to do all over again, I’d lean against the far wall, stare at you, and hate myself for not asking you if you liked the punch.”

17. “I don’t love you. I merely enjoy tolerating your existence immensely.”

18. “I’ll still want to have sex with you even when you’re old, fat, and ugly.”

19. “You had me at ‘Stop following me’.”

20. “Your farts smell like vanilla.”

21. “We’re a two person chain gang.”

22. ““I am valedictorian of the University of You.”

23. “If you needed a kidney transplant, I’d also throw in a bonus lung.”

24. “The wet, fatty ball of muscle and sinew that pumps my thick, steaming blood to all of my internal organs starts to beat irregularly when you come into my line of sight.”

25. “You are to me what Oprah is to mediocre self-help gurus.”

26. “While you’re in the shower, I collect your skin flakes from the sheets and now I carry them around in this little napkin I keep tied around my neck.”

27. “You suck! So good.”

28. “If you were frozen in Carbonite and taken by bounty hunters, I’d gladly disguise myself, infiltrate a fortress of intergalactic gangsters, threaten them with a thermal detonator, and defrost you myself.”

29. “When I was a kid I was kind of stupid and I thought it would be fun if I stuck a fork in the wall socket and obviously I was thrown across the room. Well, that shock that made my teeth chatter and my hair fall out? That’s like you.”

30. “We are totally codependent and I don’t want it any other way.”

31. “This is the “happily ever after” part of the damn fairy tale, dig?”

32. “If you were a handful of genital crabs, I’d never change my underwear.”

33. “I’m not saying we shouldn’t see other people. I’m just saying I’ll chase whoever you see out of town with a nail-studded baseball bat.”

34. “I am your blank check. Don’t bounce me.”

35. “Shut your piehole! Okay -- now kiss me with that beautiful piehole.”

36. “If you were in a horrible accident and they put your head in a saline solution-filled fish tank, I’d feed you, change your water, and carry you on my back everyday until they built you a kick-ass robot body.”

37. “If given the choice between playing roundball like Michael Jordan or raising rugrats with you in a trailer park then I’d be the first to stand in line to buy diapers.”

38. “You’re such a ****ing *******! And so am I. Let’s forgive each other, get drunk, and screw.”

39. “If I was smart, I’d follow you around like a puppy and never, ever crap in the corner.”

40. “Not only would I carry you out of the factory and drive away you away on my sweet chopper… I’d also buy you a beer and a basket of fries.”

41. I wrote you a poem: “You walk in beauty like the night/ which means you’re the hottest babe in sight/Come home with me so I don’t get in a fight/I agree with what you said: you are always right.”

42. “I’m a grown up and just face the facts that you’re my security blanket.”

43. “You don’t know it, but right here, right now, is the point in the musical montage part of the movie. Let’s split a pretzel and go for a walk on the footbridge.”

44. “Not only would I die for you, I’d ***** slap Satan a good one, too.”

45.“Look: you’re the only one allowed in my bunker. So go get some batteries while I’ll clean my shotgun.”

46. “I’m a junky for your instant messages.”

47. “I had the weirdest dream last night: I was waking up just as dawn was breaking, but instead of the sun rising on the horizon, it was your glowing face. You were smiling and glowing and it felt to good. Isn’t that just strange? I have NO idea what that means. Pass the ketchup.”

48. “You’re my best and only naked friend.”

49. “I’d smoke five packs of you everyday and welcome each and every eventual tumor.”

 

Adam and Eve were standing opposite to each other when Adam got his first erection. The two watched, astonished, until Adam suddenly exclaimed, “Move aside -- I don't know how far its gonna go.”